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Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor25 May 2017, 10:42 pm AEST

Grief & loss - may be triggering

@ lapses
Early last year 2016 my Dad died after a long painful illness (cancer), which he had been fighting for 6 years.

He survived that long only because of continuous treatments, otherwise he would have been gone in 6 months (they said).

My relationship with him had been somewhat distant at times - due my living in a different state from my entire family for the past 22 years.

Also due to my tumultuous upbringing & family background - which is why I could not stay in the city where I grew up, & chose to live here (3000 kilometres away) instead.

Also wanting to start anew 22 years ago, with needs for greater independence.

Yet those hopes to start a family of my own have never been realized. My marriage ended abruptly, & took my cherished plans & hopes for the future with it.

Then I was confronted with the memories of my SA only 3 months after the end of my marriage - which again turned my life upside-down. My gender identity was shaken, & I no longer felt secure with the sense of identity that I once had.

Followed by a severe health emergency - with 2 emergency bowel surgeries, a stoma & bag for 6 months.

Then a 3rd major bowel surgery to try to put things back together. I almost died twice in hospital they told me.

My siblings & I had found Dad to be emotionally distant & scary right into our adult lives - yet in the last few years we found him to be a kind, intelligent & very caring man. So it was so much harder to lose him.

Due to the stress of having to find a new job, having complex PTSD, & not coping well with the conditions of this occupation (carer) - I've been unable to effectively come to terms with my grief & loss.

It seems that my grief has been largely on hold for the past 14 months since Dad died. I don't feel in touch with it, despite my best efforts to.

I see a psychologist, yet we've been unable to do grief work, or help me to come to terms with the loss of my Dad.

I've remembered very little about him in the past year, which makes it harder - as I have so few memories to draw upon.

Adge

596 replies

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In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember04 Sept 2017, 10:17 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hello @Adge

are you on antibiotics for your bronchitis?

the illness plu the medication would tire you out even more

good that you are going on a bus trip you can rest whilst enjoying new scenery and take your mind off of everything else

you must tell us all about your adventure later once you are more rested

meant to ask you how minx is

take care

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor05 Sept 2017, 10:29 am AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Thanks @Former-Member
I'm on the bus now.
Was on long course of antibiotics (from locum Dr) - which finished yesterday.
I will have to see how I go now without the antibiotics.
I'm glad that that I didn't try to drive in to meet the tour bus - although the taxi in cost $50 (& will be the same to get home tonight).
Minx puss can barely walk, she's largely lost the use of her hind legs (except to stand briefly). She keeps having incontinence accidents on the floor.
I can't let her outside now, although she whines to go our (& tries to get out the door).
It's really sad. She's on tablets, but vet thinks there's no cure.
Adge

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember05 Sept 2017, 11:49 am AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

hello @Adge

I am so happy for you that you made it on to the bus trip.....taxis are expensive but are necessary in times like this to get us to our destination and back...you have done the correct thing...today is all about you and having some fun...interesting times just for you

it is very hard when our pets start to have ailments on top of our own....hard to see them less agile than they once were...the vet would know that minx is not suffering though...minx is adjusting to life changes also

make some mental notes...take some photos with your phone even....soak in everything on your trip

enjoy

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember05 Sept 2017, 11:51 am AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

ps @Adge

we once paid $150 in taxi fare to get us home from a late flight arriving at the airport

we didn't like paying that amount but it was the only way of getting home at that hour

we now pay to have our car stored in an area about 20 minutes from the airport....they drop us off and pick us up...our car is a lot safer than leaving it in the open at the airport

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor05 Sept 2017, 7:44 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Thanks @Former-Member
It's good to hear your experiences & that they are similar.

Exhausting but lovely trip. I won't be home for another 5 hours yet, till late tonight - I'm still on the bus.

I'm glad I did it, even though it was very rushed. I haven't been down to Margaret River & Busselton in more than 10 years - although I do love the area & scenery down there.

We will have traveled 700km in one day.

I really want to do a longer tour trip of the southwest, to see Albany & the giant Tingle trees. That would take several days.

So far I haven't felt that I had the energy or good health to do that - but I would need to book one soon (if I want to go).

This is the only time in many years that I have the time off available to do trips & go places.

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor05 Sept 2017, 8:44 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

I did take some nice scenery photos - I can't work out how to attach them here (on forum).

Not from my phone, which doesn't show any options for that.

I shall have to wait & see if there is a way to upload the photos to my computer - to attach them from there.

Adge

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember05 Sept 2017, 9:25 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

@Adge

That sounds like a wonderful trip for you

those two places are on my bucket list

we stayed in east Perth last year and absolutely loved it..our first time in WA.

will see more another time

would be good for you to have another short holiday if you are well enough

you will have those memories to look back on

take care

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor05 Sept 2017, 11:13 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

IThanks @Former-Member
I'm glad you liked it when you visited Perth.

I went in Mammoth cave.
I love caves, & Dad loved caves.

Dad used to be a cave guide years ago, was a geologist - so he could describe all the types of rocks & formations.

The last time I went in mammoth cave & down south was with Dad, when he was alive.
So it was rather sad.

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember06 Sept 2017, 7:23 am AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

@Adge 👍💜🐦💜🌷🌿

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember06 Sept 2017, 5:58 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

hello @Adge

I dont know whether you feel this or not......spirituality

sometimes experiencing sadness in relation to a painful memory is our mind's way of replaying the feelings so that we are better equiped to hold them, look at them, feel them again in a different moment of time.

In doing this the moment can become spiritual if we are open to that kind of experience. This is a very deep form of connecting with our original loss. words cannot do justice in describing the experience.

If you are not open to this there is no failing...no test...no judgement

my husband is not this way inclined. I certainly dont think any less of him. He is just as loveable and the same person.

I just thought I might mention that for you to do whatever you choose with it

I am so glad that you went down into the caves. Your father would be proud.

He was a very clever man with a wealth of knowledge.

Are you collecting anything?

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