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@ lapses Early last year 2016 my Dad died after a long painful illness (cancer), which he had been fighting for 6 years.
He survived that long only because of continuous treatments, otherwise he would have been gone in 6 months (they said).
My relationship with him had been somewhat distant at times - due my living in a different state from my entire family for the past 22 years.
Also due to my tumultuous upbringing & family background - which is why I could not stay in the city where I grew up, & chose to live here (3000 kilometres away) instead.
Also wanting to start anew 22 years ago, with needs for greater independence.
Yet those hopes to start a family of my own have never been realized. My marriage ended abruptly, & took my cherished plans & hopes for the future with it.
Then I was confronted with the memories of my SA only 3 months after the end of my marriage - which again turned my life upside-down. My gender identity was shaken, & I no longer felt secure with the sense of identity that I once had.
Followed by a severe health emergency - with 2 emergency bowel surgeries, a stoma & bag for 6 months.
Then a 3rd major bowel surgery to try to put things back together. I almost died twice in hospital they told me.
My siblings & I had found Dad to be emotionally distant & scary right into our adult lives - yet in the last few years we found him to be a kind, intelligent & very caring man. So it was so much harder to lose him.
Due to the stress of having to find a new job, having complex PTSD, & not coping well with the conditions of this occupation (carer) - I've been unable to effectively come to terms with my grief & loss.
It seems that my grief has been largely on hold for the past 14 months since Dad died. I don't feel in touch with it, despite my best efforts to.
I see a psychologist, yet we've been unable to do grief work, or help me to come to terms with the loss of my Dad.
I've remembered very little about him in the past year, which makes it harder - as I have so few memories to draw upon.
ABOUT GRIEF - do you ever think those In the 'hereafter' send messages? Or God gives us pieces of comforting awareness? I had a couple of visions this last week - my church friend meeting up with my girl, taking her underwing. Big smiles, introductions, hugs. She told me 'she's a beautiful girl' (,my girl, they hadnt met before)_ and she finally got it, why I oft said her D2 was so much like my girl. She even said with a chuckle - 'I see what you mean - her being so much like my girl" Both have a gap filled I guess, but now, so do I. Whose to say these are 'just' dreams? or wishful thinking? (not real). Nope! Itz real to me, and comforting, I'm hanging onto the gift they are.. Why not?
Does anyone else have these experiences?
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
AdgeSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Hi @Former-Member
My computer had problems yesterday - now it won't boot up or start at all today.
Only a few weeks after I've had the entire hard drive replaced.
I just don't get it, it doesn't make any sense. It should be running fine & now it won't work at all.
My kitchen fluoro light cord went bung yesterday - it's dark as a dungeon because that's my main light & I cannot turn it on.
I've been so fatigued, I can barely get stuff done or get through the day at work - now I have to deal with all these repairs somehow.
It's too much. Sorry.
Dreams are supposedly messages from our unconscious - trying to tell us something helpful. According to Carl Jung & the Jung Society (I used to be a member).
Jung was a famous dream analysis expert.
Though I don't often remember my dreams, & I can't often work out the meaning.
They do seemingly mean something. If you find them comforting then I'm sure that's a good thing.
I hope that was a bit helpful.
I find it really hard to use my phone to type messages - it's so fiddly difficult & frustrating.
I need a new brain, a new body & a new life. Not just a new light switch & a new computer (one that works).
I feel like crying sorry.
Adge
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Oh @Adge, so sorry you're so worn out and emotional. Maybe tears can be a release of a kind too. Maybe rest today. Use a lamp for light in the kitchen for now. // Thanks for the Yung info on dreams, fascinating - didn't know that. I think maybe the spiritual rhelm communicates easier with the subconscious. Definitely a concept to be further exored. The spirit lives forever, I just know it. // So relate to you wanting a new body & mind. We have to better manage and my work with what we got for this earthbound existence, but Jesus spoke of a new body in the resurrection with Him. That's my hope to get through the now best I can. Everything will be ok in the end. Can you do some gardening or go for a slow walk - always gives me a lift to be out. Alternatively - watch a couple of good movies, comedies can help.
Chin up forum brother ❤❤❤ Here, I'll make a a coffee ♨♨
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Hey @Adge, just read this story online and thought you might like a read too, get your mind off things:
I went ahead & put the 2 new nest baskets in the aviary for the Bengalese finches.
I had to figure out how to attach it to the side wall with wire. I wasn't in a good state to think it through but I did it anyway.
I've goto find some positive distractions - I keep trying to turn the computer on & it still won't go. So that just upsets me again.
Yes dreams are fascinating & confusing at the same time.
Adge
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
hello @Former-Member@Adge
Yes I have had special moments after the passing of my father.
Recently wasn't about death probably more so grief, sense of loss, as in my older son
Spirituality is what I believe it is with my experiences. Of course the word spirituality in itself, has so many different meanings for each of us.
I personally feel that if you are open to the intangible, the unknown then you can be a receiver of such gifts, nothing like you could possibly imagine.
It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks lapses, the moment, vision was for you, a special vision from within you. another form of showing what a lovely soul you have xx
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
@Adge@Former-Member
so sorry to hear that you had one of those days!
it doesnt matter how often we have them they are just the pits!
writing this now I know that I have discovered about myself; my state of mind and energy levels have a lot to answer for in how I cope with such days
do you have any large candles.....a nice feeling about the room.....save on power which is unbelievably high now
I hate typing text messages I could not even begin to attempt writing on here with my phone. I have an ipad and that is bad enough. So well done for writing so much
a beautiful day here, the sun was out; more hours of gardening, pruning, weeding...still much to be done...starting to notice improvement though after winter growth
I wouldn't worry too much about the nest; the birds will mate regardless and when ready to sit on the nest will do so...exciting times ahead for you
big hug to you both xxx
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
AdgeSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Thanks @Former-Member
Yes maybe a candle might be nice.
I think your avatar is a mermaid - I love mermaids. I have a tattoo of an angel on my arm (detailed) that looks a lot like a mermaid.
A baby Bengalese finch flew onto the aviary wire & sat there looking at me when I was trying to attach the new nests. Really cute.
Adge
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
hello @Adge
yes she is a mermaid.......so mysterious and captivating
I saw a film about 20 years ago that was based in Ireland. The scenery was very rugged shores.
The mermaid changed between human and mermaid. The music was captivating. I had taped it back then.
Would love to remember the name of the film then I could get a copy of the music.
Well that is a spirtual moment for you a bably bengalese finch flying onto the aviary wire and watching you add the nests for a larger upcoming family.
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Hi @Adge, so proud of you for pushing yourself to put 2 new nest baskets in the aviary finches. I so 'get it' when the head is not in a good place to think tricky things through - but it often seems to be in the doin that it somehow works out. You did it! Yay! 👍🏆 My cages are sitting there, empty, ready, spending all my money on maintaining this property (trees) but hope to buy x6 little birds in next pay. Positive distraction does help. Sorry about your computer failing, and so soon after being 'fixed' - take it back. I can only go online on my mobile (unless I go to the library). So understand your frustrations. Also, my bro has been 'fixing' my laptop for 6months, sheesh! Try not to get strung out about it too much, glad you can still talk with us 😀 Miss ya when ya quiet.
Hi @Former-Member, good to see ya! Glad you too had special moments after the passing of your father. And think i know what you mean about living losses, as in your older son Spirituality is subjective I guess, an inward journey of faith, so personal. .Like what you said: " if you are open to the intangible, the unknown then you can be a receiver of such gifts" And thanks for refering to me as "a lovely soul" don't think I get that anywhere else 😓 Aso, like you said "my state of mind and energy levels have a lot to answer for in how I cope" This is so true 💮 I love candles. Lit one for my lost yesterday and fell asleep and when I woke the sun had gone down and it was the only light in the house - beautiful with my girls photo behind it too. It'd a beautiful day here too, i gardened too. Its a good fweling when we notice the improvements, hard work though, my muscles hurt 😞
Adge, how lucky were you to have a baby Bengalese finch fly onto the aviary wire & watch you attach nests - absolutely really cute, I'm so jealous lol That was your gift from the unicerse, to remind you you are not forgotten, a part of everything, and loved 💕
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