AdgeSenior Contributor
Grief & loss - may be triggering
@ lapses
Early last year 2016 my Dad died after a long painful illness (cancer), which he had been fighting for 6 years.
He survived that long only because of continuous treatments, otherwise he would have been gone in 6 months (they said).
My relationship with him had been somewhat distant at times - due my living in a different state from my entire family for the past 22 years.
Also due to my tumultuous upbringing & family background - which is why I could not stay in the city where I grew up, & chose to live here (3000 kilometres away) instead.
Also wanting to start anew 22 years ago, with needs for greater independence.
Yet those hopes to start a family of my own have never been realized. My marriage ended abruptly, & took my cherished plans & hopes for the future with it.
Then I was confronted with the memories of my SA only 3 months after the end of my marriage - which again turned my life upside-down. My gender identity was shaken, & I no longer felt secure with the sense of identity that I once had.
Followed by a severe health emergency - with 2 emergency bowel surgeries, a stoma & bag for 6 months.
Then a 3rd major bowel surgery to try to put things back together. I almost died twice in hospital they told me.
My siblings & I had found Dad to be emotionally distant & scary right into our adult lives - yet in the last few years we found him to be a kind, intelligent & very caring man. So it was so much harder to lose him.
Due to the stress of having to find a new job, having complex PTSD, & not coping well with the conditions of this occupation (carer) - I've been unable to effectively come to terms with my grief & loss.
It seems that my grief has been largely on hold for the past 14 months since Dad died. I don't feel in touch with it, despite my best efforts to.
I see a psychologist, yet we've been unable to do grief work, or help me to come to terms with the loss of my Dad.
I've remembered very little about him in the past year, which makes it harder - as I have so few memories to draw upon.
Adge
Loss can be incredibly difficult and heart-wrenching. It is understandable if you are feeling a little teary and mixed up. It is so lovely that you lit a candle and put on incense in her memory - I'm sure she is watching down on you, with a heart full of love! 
