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@ lapses Early last year 2016 my Dad died after a long painful illness (cancer), which he had been fighting for 6 years.
He survived that long only because of continuous treatments, otherwise he would have been gone in 6 months (they said).
My relationship with him had been somewhat distant at times - due my living in a different state from my entire family for the past 22 years.
Also due to my tumultuous upbringing & family background - which is why I could not stay in the city where I grew up, & chose to live here (3000 kilometres away) instead.
Also wanting to start anew 22 years ago, with needs for greater independence.
Yet those hopes to start a family of my own have never been realized. My marriage ended abruptly, & took my cherished plans & hopes for the future with it.
Then I was confronted with the memories of my SA only 3 months after the end of my marriage - which again turned my life upside-down. My gender identity was shaken, & I no longer felt secure with the sense of identity that I once had.
Followed by a severe health emergency - with 2 emergency bowel surgeries, a stoma & bag for 6 months.
Then a 3rd major bowel surgery to try to put things back together. I almost died twice in hospital they told me.
My siblings & I had found Dad to be emotionally distant & scary right into our adult lives - yet in the last few years we found him to be a kind, intelligent & very caring man. So it was so much harder to lose him.
Due to the stress of having to find a new job, having complex PTSD, & not coping well with the conditions of this occupation (carer) - I've been unable to effectively come to terms with my grief & loss.
It seems that my grief has been largely on hold for the past 14 months since Dad died. I don't feel in touch with it, despite my best efforts to.
I see a psychologist, yet we've been unable to do grief work, or help me to come to terms with the loss of my Dad.
I've remembered very little about him in the past year, which makes it harder - as I have so few memories to draw upon.
Hi @Adge, its hard facing the passing of someone in the family, seeing how it affects those we live, and like me, in your case, you can't go be with them as we should at times like this.
Its hard with "so many people passing away, close to home" They are hard to process and then wammy! they start bumping into each other, as you said re your dad @Adge, and @Owlunar - how your griwf over your son collided with that of the young work colleague 😕 - it all mounts up. Its important we take time to sit with the pain in small doses - process it along the way as able, not push it down 🙂 xox
Nobody's wired for death. It all seems so surreal, it draws a thick fog around everything.
I really wat to go to our church friends funeral tomorrow but just found out it's at the same chapel as my girls viewing. I'm not sure I could walk in there again, the last time was to pick up her ashes. I cried and cried that day too. Its just not right. I asked god to take me instead, for the sake of the children, but he didn't.
Walking with you xox Wish someone would come grab me, take each other out for a movie 🎥
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Well Done re mailed sympathy card @Adge, I know how some things so simple can become overwhelming.
Not good how you felt after the Grief Study session, even hitting the curb. Hope you got home OK and settling in for a good sleep. You've earned it! Maybe gave an hours break after study sessions before driving, to gather your 'calm' Thinking of you 🙂
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Been awake since 3am, feel lost, Luke all is lost. Like I've upset everyone e and I'm outcast, like I've done some henious crime. I think maybe its the grief thing, or not...
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
OwlunarSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
I don't know what Behavioral Activation is @Adge - but I am beginging to think there is a body of people sitting around thinking up labels for a lot of these things
You have just had a loss that is rattling your bones right now and of course you will feel totally out of it atm when you attend your Grief Study Sessions and whatever your tasks are they will be harder to focus on
It's unfortunate you hit the curb with your car but no damage so far - I remember having a friend say to me ages ago - "Sh^t happens but this time nothing did" - and this is still true today
Give yourself a little time - I can be emotionally fragile at times - btw - less often with the years - everything takes time
And I just thought - for every birth there is a death - and for every death there has been a birth
We can't get out of life alive - life stings you atm - and I hear what you are saying
Dec
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
OwlunarSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Hi @Former-Member
Aw - what a terrible way to feel - I think it's probably the grief-thing - having someone else die has stirred up your feelings about your little girl - not at all easy but really understandable
How could you upset everyone? - that's not at all possible. I was told I upset my mother too much - alas - my answer was she upset herself - I hardly ever saw her - it couldn't have been me
What has happened to make you feel as if you have committed a major crime? I am sorry you feel this way
I read that the funeral is in the chapel where you viewed your little girl I think - or something similar - I went to a very cold and unfriendly funeral of a friend that was in the same chapel as my son's internment - which was private and took place after a very big funeral - so you chose yourself which is important - going to the funeral or staying home and caring for yourself
Sometimes we do have to put ourselves first and it will be a large funeral - when people die young lots of people go - for whatever reason
I flew interstate and back in the one day to go to my cousin's funeral - my cousin was important to me and I loved him - it was a big deal but something I just had to do and would not have felt at all good about not going - had I stayed home I would have felt wretched - and that's just considering myself
When my ex-h's mother died I didn't go - I couldn't see the point - I was not related to her and she was never a friend. As I wrote earlier I had 5 deaths in my family and I went to every funeral - so add on my very elderly ex-mil and that's 6 -
But I still figure - why get stirred up when that wasn't necessary
btw - you have not committed a terrible crime - you have every right to be here - just like everyone else
Lots of hugs though
Dec
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Thank you @Owlunar, I just super sad atm, lots of intrusive bad thoughts, even though really, there's not much bad in my face. Internal mostly (unconscious self inflicted maybe), or a 'collective' consciousness I'm picking up strong. Who knows. Maybe coming down with something, have a bad headache.
The 'bad crime' condemnation I think may be a combination of having to be Tawney again here, and interpreting people absences as abandonment because I couldn't save my girl or control her asthma better... Treating me like a 'MURDERER' My clutter bugging and chubbiness and depression and fatigue is labelled as 'lazy' and 'welfare recipient malingerer' 'surplus population' people here on the forums & behind the scenes have called me names too... it goes on. Today the echoes are all hitting me at once (probably accounts for the bad headache. Can't switch it off atm, trying. So quiet otherwise.
Maybe just feeling bad, or powerless, that even when someone in my circle dies - I can not do nothing. Makes me 'feel' hopelessess I guess. And maybe I'm just beating myself up for not being able to 'bung-it-on' for people anymore, be tough... strong... sacrificial... giving... etc beyond my oen needs, like I was conditioned to by mother dearest, solidified in teaching by the church...
When I was strong, before the breakdown, I could do it, but now, now I have nothing left, not even for me (it feels today).
I have a lifetime of pushing passed myself for others.
Even at ladies bible study group yesterday one blurted out that I should be able to go and honour my friend, if she's important enough to me. And Her first question when I arrived was "how's ya mum?" (implying I should to more in that dpt too, which already guilts me), felt invalidated. Then another friend who rang back yesterday called me racist (because I'm weary of this tree man, and snapped at me for forgetting she'd old me she was going away 😞 I'm just very veeeeeerry tired.
But had a good chat with son last night, he said 'don't go' (he doesn't think he could, given his sis viewing was there), said to look after me... (wow, normally he pressures me to perform more).
Guess God knows our heart, I am not a strong person. Sorry 🙂
Wow, my dad just rang, said mum told him too (but she won't ring my number anymore - only tx me), he can't remember I spoke to him Monday, thinks its weeks, mum doesn't help with that either. They had a fight over a pen or something, as they do, grr but hey, my dad rang me. That's rare. Mum (in the background) told him to tell me he he puts his own 'nappy' on at night now, which he did (she knows I hate them calling it nappies so tried to not bite), poor dads dementia - he's mums puppet, she wouldn't talk to me but to say bye. So over her crap. But guess I'm glad dad rang from his mobile. He usually can't remember how to is it.
Sorry, don't know what I'm talking about, headache, bye for now, thanks again 💜
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
If I have to disappear again, know that I'll always remember you guys xox
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
hello @Former-Member
I wasn't going to disturb you as the conversation was flowing between the three of you.
You must be feeling exhausted with not feeling well, not sleeping properly, another passing of someone you knew and family contact.
all bound to test you separately and even more so when compounded.
You are the only one who can make the decision as to whether you go to this funeral or not. However, the reasons why you make that choice should be about you and not anyone else. I think that your son has given you a very healthy hint.
As for the so called "church ladies", dont get me started. Why is it I read time and time again the "so called good people" are passing judgement on others!! They need to be told that they are sitting in the wrong chair!! Theirs is not the throne!!
this funeral is about saying goodbye to an individual and if that individual was a true friend they would be tapping you on the shoulder and telling you that they understand why you won't be there.
You can have a special moment lighting a candle for them. visiting the church at a later date. you know that there are many ways to say goodbye.
look after you now. the signs are there. you are suffering fatigue. no more giving until you are more rested.
easy on the baileys too xxx
ps please understand everything that I have said comes from he heart. no judgement from me.
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Hi @Former-Member
Sorry to hear that you are very sad at the moment and experiencing intrusive thoughts. I am also sorry about the grief you are experiencing today and the negative experiences you are facing with the ladies at church. I am a little concerned for you given your statement that you are going to "disappear again," are you safe at the moment?
If not, please do not hesitate to call the numbers, below:
You may also wish to call the Griefline (1300 845 745), as they may help support you through your struggles at the moment.
Please let us know if you are safe!
Kindest,
Amour_Et_Psyché
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Thank you, i'll be safe, no alcohol in the house. Put a candle and insense on for my friend at same time as her funeral and was given a song I sang to her with the angels (magic). Still teary though. Mixed up. Doesn't make sense, she wasn't close enough to feel like this. I've let everyone down. Just gotta get through. Hopefully sleep it off (good at that), thanks for touching base. Already posted again elsewhere hoping for support before I found your reply thank you. Means a lot. Got the help numbers thanks. Betta not clog up Adge's thread furthet ❤ 🌷🌿
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