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Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor25 May 2017, 10:42 pm AEST

Grief & loss - may be triggering

@ lapses
Early last year 2016 my Dad died after a long painful illness (cancer), which he had been fighting for 6 years.

He survived that long only because of continuous treatments, otherwise he would have been gone in 6 months (they said).

My relationship with him had been somewhat distant at times - due my living in a different state from my entire family for the past 22 years.

Also due to my tumultuous upbringing & family background - which is why I could not stay in the city where I grew up, & chose to live here (3000 kilometres away) instead.

Also wanting to start anew 22 years ago, with needs for greater independence.

Yet those hopes to start a family of my own have never been realized. My marriage ended abruptly, & took my cherished plans & hopes for the future with it.

Then I was confronted with the memories of my SA only 3 months after the end of my marriage - which again turned my life upside-down. My gender identity was shaken, & I no longer felt secure with the sense of identity that I once had.

Followed by a severe health emergency - with 2 emergency bowel surgeries, a stoma & bag for 6 months.

Then a 3rd major bowel surgery to try to put things back together. I almost died twice in hospital they told me.

My siblings & I had found Dad to be emotionally distant & scary right into our adult lives - yet in the last few years we found him to be a kind, intelligent & very caring man. So it was so much harder to lose him.

Due to the stress of having to find a new job, having complex PTSD, & not coping well with the conditions of this occupation (carer) - I've been unable to effectively come to terms with my grief & loss.

It seems that my grief has been largely on hold for the past 14 months since Dad died. I don't feel in touch with it, despite my best efforts to.

I see a psychologist, yet we've been unable to do grief work, or help me to come to terms with the loss of my Dad.

I've remembered very little about him in the past year, which makes it harder - as I have so few memories to draw upon.

Adge

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In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor19 July 2017, 6:45 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Thanks @Owlunar Your thoughtful response almost brought a tear to my eye.

It was helpful to hear that you would find itemising every hour of every day daunting too.

I am having great difficulty in doing it. It's not like I'm sitting doing nothing - although my psych would encourage me to learn to actually spend time on myself relaxing.

I just can't clearly recall everything that I did (or for how long).

Yes I had very little input during that 1.5 hours, & a lot of it went straight over my head (I can't remember it), because I found it overwhelming.

I have to admit that I do have a habit of trying to pack too many activities (or trips) into one day, & it usually backfires on me.

It's partly because I'm afraid that I'll lose the motivation to follow through with things, if I don't act on them straight away. Not always such a good idea.

My computer has been fixed (sort of), it now has a completely new hard drive - that's because the old one had gone defunct.

I guess it's a stop-gap measure to save time & effort, the cheapest option - although I'm not fully confident in my decision. That's because I've now spent $320 on this computer (fixing) in the last 18 months, & it's now 7 years old. So it may not last much longer anyway.

The bonus easy part is that the computer people copied all the software across onto the new hard drive, so it's just as it was - & did not need many hours of setting up, as a new computer does.

Yes you are right, I need to set my own pace - the MH support worker assumed that I was fully functional during our appointment yesterday - even though I told her that I was utterly exhausted, & had just arrived back from a 3 hour trip to the grief study lady.

I think maybe I should go back to the Dr, as I'm not well yet. Though I'm fairly sure that he will say that there's not much he can do, just rest. So I don't know it there is any point in going.

Thanks, I'm thinking of you too - & @Former-Member, & as many othe people as I can think of.

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor19 July 2017, 9:45 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

I thought I would share this with you.

From the Behavioural activation (grief) study workbook -

Activities that are unfulfilling or forced by others can feel overwhelming.

They can actually increase your sadness - even whilst you are keeping active doing them.

It is never a good idea to focus so much on others that your own needs are completely neglected.

Focusing entirely on the needs of others may result in feelings of emptiness & dissatisfaction.

Hey, that's exactly how I feel! Its what I've been doing all day every day (in my work) for years - leaving me with no energy for myself or enjoyable activities in my own time.

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember20 July 2017, 1:10 am AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

🙂

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember20 July 2017, 1:12 am AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Adge, nice to connect. Those tips from the Behavioural activation (grief) study workbook sure fit. And can see how it is for you having a job that's the wrong fit for you. Doing what you don't want all day and tending yo the needs of others in need, while your needs go unattended, and even irrelevant to others. I call it 'giving out of my nothing' - its soooo exhausting. That's why, I think, that my recent shift into Retail instead of sick needy demanding people & health systems is better for me. Shop Retail is less stressful, less political, less responsibility (nobody gets hurt if I mess up the till balance or wrongly label something). Adge, maybe, you could try a different line of work / job. I know this is hard too.

I haven't got the birds yet, just don't wanna do much of anything actually, or organise my thoughts for a trip into town. I know its pathetic, jyst me.

Hope your virus doesnt hang around like sone to. You might have post viral fatigue happening - perhaps a liver tonic or detox might help. Get into the probiotics (when finished antibiotics), it all helps they say. Maybe even a 3month ccourse of multivitamin / mineral. Gosh I go on. lol Hope you're sleeping well at least (its 1am), good night 🙂 🌷🌿

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember20 July 2017, 5:58 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Adge, how ya going tonight? Thinking of you 🐦🌷🌿

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor20 July 2017, 9:57 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Former-Member How are you going?

I've actually been caring for others for most of my entire life - except when I worked in horticulture (nurseries & gardening) for 12 years.

It started when I was very young, being part of a very dysfunctional family - I was doing the whole family's washing etc when I was younger than 10.

I've been trying to identify suitable jobs (not in carer work) to go for - I most hoped for & expected help from my MH support worker with that.

I did not receive that help. Instead they have continuously pressured me to continue to apply for other disability roles - simply because they tell me that is what they are most familiar with (& confident in helping me to apply for). Also because that is what I have most recently worked in.

I am trying to get back into horticulture work (so far with no success over the past 18 months). Because I have a great passion for plants & the environment, & many years of experience in that field.

Also because I have considerable difficulty in identifying other suitable positions that I would be suitable for.

There are some major limitations in my going back into horticulture - as many of the positions require heavy lifting, & working extremely early hours.

I cannot do any heavy lifting as a result of my 3 major bowel surgeries, which put me at a high risk of a hernia (for the rest of my life), the surgeon said. I cannot work such early hours anymore either, as my body simply does not take it anymore.

A lot of my horticultural experience was working in retail (& wholesale) nurseries, so I've been looking at that. Or even a pet shop, because I love animals. Unfortunately few pet shop positions seem to ever be advertised.

I've never done a tonic or liver detox. I've been taking probiotics for 2 years (since my bowel surgeries), & I take multivitamin & minerals every day.

Thanks, today was exhausting. I just got home from my yoga class, which I went to straight from work. Now I'm off to bed.

Yoga class is one of the few things that I really look forward to, I miss it if I don't get there. I usually go to 2 classes every week (for the past 6 years).

Adge

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor20 July 2017, 9:58 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

@Former-MemberI love your grief quote (above), that's a great one.

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember20 July 2017, 10:26 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Adge, glad you've gone to bed early. It does soundvlike you really need to get back into plants & birds. I think you'd love a bunnings store. You need to go for larger chains like that as they are more resourced to accommodate back issues. I would suggest cold canvas applying - drop in your redima ask for 5min with manager / human resources. Its good if the actually SEE you in person but if distance doesn't allow, picture on the top corner of your resume. You can push this with you employment provider, though they probably don't care cause you've already got work. You'll have to do it. LINKEDIN (online) is free, and also an excellent avenue for employers to find you, the machine matches you up once you register. Just for your own therapy, you could do 1/2day volunteer somewhere, get a foot in the door. All you havw to say is you love birds, or plants and would just love to be here" That's why I do volunteer work, for the nonfiscal benefits,vseems to be working. Sometimes I amaze myself. I think maybe some od your grief is loss of these things you love. You can take them back you know. Even in small doses, they are wonderful places to work I would think :). I had a friend who got do sick of nursing that she studied to be a Florist, eventually bought her own business and never looked back. Don't give up 🙂

Hi @Adge, @Owlunar @Former-Member @anyone else interested. . I just stumbled on this thread on the carers side, thought you might be interested (link below). Its a Topic Tuesday Discussion:
"DEALING WITH LOSS AND GRIEF"
As grief and loss can come to the surface for many reasons:
- A sense of loss of the life we thought we'd live
- A sense of grief for what our loved ones are going through
- A sense of loss for the life you wanted for your love one
During this Topic Tuesday, we look at managing loss and the myths of grief. We'll be joined by two guest speakers from Compassionate Friends Victoria.
https://saneforums.org/t5/Special-Events/Topic-Tuesday-Tues-26-April-7pm-AEST-Grief/m-p/62370/highlight/true#M1230
🌷🌿

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember22 July 2017, 2:27 am AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Adge, checkingbup on you. How's the health? How's the job? Hope you haven't had an more client violence and management incompetence? Just dropping in to say hi.

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

OwlunarSenior Contributor22 July 2017, 11:56 am AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Adge

When it comes to whatever we do - whatever we watch - whatever we read - it needs to come from some place inside ourselves rather than what people may say - like your Mental Health Worker

You're interested in horticulture - this is something I know about - my dd is a highly qualified horticulturist and works in High End Retail - I don't know how early she starts but I am sure she doesn't do heavy lifting - I hope you can find something that truly interests you - working with people with mental health issues would be hard when you are battling yourself - kinda like getting a wake-up MI every few minutes with more tomorrow

I take probiotics and vitamins as well - and a few other supplements - I have heard of de-toxing - people have varied views but I think a lot of fruit and vegies and keeping off certain things works better - your body is pretty good at de-toxing itself if giving the chance

I was on antbiotics for weeks and now it's taking me a while to get my appetite back - but the probiotics help - and I have yoghurt with probiotics too -

Really- I can tell that your life is a constant battle - and your health is a struggle too - but I do with you all the best possible and hopefully you can find some work with plants that has hours to suit

I find it hard to get up most mornings - my back makes it hard to start and in the cold time of year this is harder - so I do understand that

Dec

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