Connect with people who understand what you are going through,
seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're
free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.
@ lapses Early last year 2016 my Dad died after a long painful illness (cancer), which he had been fighting for 6 years.
He survived that long only because of continuous treatments, otherwise he would have been gone in 6 months (they said).
My relationship with him had been somewhat distant at times - due my living in a different state from my entire family for the past 22 years.
Also due to my tumultuous upbringing & family background - which is why I could not stay in the city where I grew up, & chose to live here (3000 kilometres away) instead.
Also wanting to start anew 22 years ago, with needs for greater independence.
Yet those hopes to start a family of my own have never been realized. My marriage ended abruptly, & took my cherished plans & hopes for the future with it.
Then I was confronted with the memories of my SA only 3 months after the end of my marriage - which again turned my life upside-down. My gender identity was shaken, & I no longer felt secure with the sense of identity that I once had.
Followed by a severe health emergency - with 2 emergency bowel surgeries, a stoma & bag for 6 months.
Then a 3rd major bowel surgery to try to put things back together. I almost died twice in hospital they told me.
My siblings & I had found Dad to be emotionally distant & scary right into our adult lives - yet in the last few years we found him to be a kind, intelligent & very caring man. So it was so much harder to lose him.
Due to the stress of having to find a new job, having complex PTSD, & not coping well with the conditions of this occupation (carer) - I've been unable to effectively come to terms with my grief & loss.
It seems that my grief has been largely on hold for the past 14 months since Dad died. I don't feel in touch with it, despite my best efforts to.
I see a psychologist, yet we've been unable to do grief work, or help me to come to terms with the loss of my Dad.
I've remembered very little about him in the past year, which makes it harder - as I have so few memories to draw upon.
Cut & Parting this discussion here, from SAD thread, because its about grief. Hope thats ok (mostly me having a vent I guess, truing to be heard).
Lapses 11:47 AM 'It's difficult to be strong. While making my first cup of tea for the day (very late) I caught myself out, talking out loud, angry at police detectives at the hospital the night my girl died. I said "you people are useless" (dealings with them through years of family court battles trying to protect my girl from her father, juvenile justice and dpt child safety, while recognising the dangers and deeming her 'at risk' with her dad, the judge, after a 2day trial, eventually forced unsupervised time with her dad. Now, 2yrs later she's died, and they make another appearance (too f###### late!). I blurted it out. Oh God I don't know how to live this stuff down. What a horrible disgusting person I must be. And i even begged staff not to let her dad be with her body alone. Is there a @Former-Member around? Why after 6yrs does this still come? How... don't wanna live like this. Sorry. Gonna grab cuppa, try stop the tears and self hatred. Be back shortly.
@ Soul 11:56 AM It is difficult @ lapses because as mothers we have that instinct to protect our children from no matter what. That traumatic time is something you will never forget and will struggle to get through. It means you are human. Sending out a massive hug right now to you.
@ lapses 12:26 PM Thanks @ soul, I think it sucks, that it invades my now, without warning, I'm still crying but had my cuppa. Hate it when people tell me "You'll never get over it!" - what the hell wold they know! (no offense to you and I know they're trying to help...) but it wouldn't be said so flippantly by one who's lived it. Nobody else has the right to declare it. Besides, I believe there is a 'getting over it' of a kind, in between the waves I guess. I simply cant go another day if i didnt believe this, the pain is a too great, its like telling me to ho end it, to say it will never be got over. Does anyone 'get over' their childhood? Nope, but there is a separation from it, in between, we just get on with things. Sorry for the outburst, this flashback has bought with it a huge surge of anger I don't know how to get out, or contain. At least I'm in touch with it I guess. I have a theory that not being connected to the pain of internal rage was the driving force behind past SH & parasuicides, I believe. Its a tricky business balancing things, staying level. I just wanna go to bed now, frozen. My ladies afternoon tea is today, how do I do it like this? There's no place for the negatives there. Can I hold it in? If I don't they chip me for being absent and interpret it as weakness. Damned if ya to and damned if ya don't world we live in. But Need to socialise or I go a bit mad, and need to self care. I'm not sure what to do today. Stop crying would be good. Thanks for connecting Soul, yes, i know we don't stop loving them, out banies, being mothers, even after they grow up and leave home, or even after they die 😢 I know this well, live iy, its good but aweful... I'm sorry...
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Hi @Former-Member, I'm here but spread very thinly today. I'll be able to give a more considered reply later. But in the meantime just wanted to let you know that you've been heared.
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Sending you lots of love and hugs @Former-Member
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Hello @Former-Member, I've had a proper chance to read your post now. It must be hard to be overcome with such strong emotions - the anger and loss - after 6 years. We kind of expect our reactions to fade. I've often described grief that way myself. Like waves crashing on a shore, gradually getting calmer and less frequent. But there are some losses that defy the rules. And I think the loss of a child is one of those. It's not that things will never get better. It's that the waves are so much greater that it takes much much longer for them to calm.
Dec has a very wise way of looking at it. I'm going to paraphrase horribly now. But it was something like, the feelings visit and have their say and she knows now to listen and wait it out. What I love about it is that she's not trying to deny or push the feelings away. It must be incredibly painful to let them visit, and to listen, but in the long run that helps. The resistance, and questioning, somehow can make them stronger. Or just maintains the status quo so we feel stuck.
Your anger has a reason and a message. It's entirely justified given your loss and the circumstances. I wonder what would happen if you just let it visit like Dec does? Sit with it and acknowledge it's right to be here. Would it stay long? What would happen?
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
OwlunarSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Thanks for your sensitive and accurate response to my suggestion @Former-Member
Letting our feelings in and sitting with them, listening to them and waiting it out - yes - this is what I have learned to do -
And yes - it is painful - but as the years have a say too - it's not true that all things pass in time - but they lessen, become more familiar and give us wisdom.
Having a child die is a terrible experience. It's true that everyone dies but when a young person leaves before they have even lived a life it feels like such a waste - such a terrible shame - and so permanent. The anguish is hardly something I can explain
But we do learn through such experiences - I would not change my life - as rough as some parts of it have been - what I have learned has been so valuable - I would not want to lose that
Dec
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Hi @Adge, just checking up on you. How's things? How's ya birds?
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
AdgeSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Hi @Former-Member Thanks for asking. It's been an exhausting day.
I had my first grief study session this morning. I didn't talk about anything particularly emotional, in fact I hardly got a word in for the entire 1 & 1/2 hours.
The grief study lady talked so fast, & continuously for the 1.5 hours. Because she wanted to cover lots of theory about grief, emotions & physical symptoms.
Yes interesting & useful, yet too much to take in all at once. I found listening for that time very draining, along with the 50 minute drive each way. That was a 3 hour round trip.
I arrived home a zonked out zombie with no time to eat any lunch, before going straight into my MH support worker appointment - which I could not focus on, because I was so tired.
I've only just started to feel a bit better now (3pm), before heading off to a tax agent to try to get my tax done.
I have to fill out more mood questionnaires every week, for the grief study. Now I have to write down every single thing that I do every hour of every day - for the next 7 days. Then give each activity (item) a rating, as to how important & how pleasurable it was to do that task or activity.
I find that very daunting, as I cannot clearly remember exactly what I did this morning (to get ready), before driving to the university for the grief study.
Adge
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
AdgeSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
I'm feeling sick, with a possible resurgence of my throat (secondary) infection & virus. Today has taken far too much out of me.
Adge
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
IH dear @Adge, what a big day, get some rest. Talk tomorrow. 💜🌷🌿
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
OwlunarSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Hi @Adge
Man - that sounds like a lot
@Adge wrote:
The grief study lady talked so fast, & continuously for the 1.5 hours. Because she wanted to cover lots of theory about grief, emotions & physical symptoms.
That's a long drive to and from and then - obviously the grief study lady is no educator - wanting to cover lots of theory about grief, emotions and physical symptoms in 1.5 hours. Man - I have studied a lot in my adult life and I have read a lot on those subjects and lived it as well and I am astonded that anyone could imagine that people could take in so much about those subject getting lectured to for that long - I assume without a break - I find that unrealistic and hope you don't feel too down about it - just do what you can about it.
Then you couldn't focus on your MH Support worker from fatigue and either having another bout of flu or recovering from the last one - that's a lot - one thing after another - no wonder you felt like a zombie
Then the tax-agent - oh boy - that was really packing the day - what's next?
I have to fill out more mood questionnaires every week, for the grief study. Now I have to write down every single thing that I do every hour of every day - for the next 7 days. Then give each activity (item) a rating, as to how important & how pleasurable it was to do that task or activity.
I would find that very daunting - I don't think I know what I do with every hour of everyday - I know I write in my computer for a large part of the day - or play games - and I do my chores in between - and have the TV on at the same time - I could not do that.
I think I did something like that in the past - something for an support agency - and I found I couldn't continue - it wasn't a grief study - I don't remember but I discontinued because it wasn't relevant for me -
You could ask yourself if it's relevant for you - anyway - this study seems to be huge and from what I remember you don't get feedback at the end
Only do what you can Adge - it seems hard yards to me
And your computer - has that been repaired and are you using your phone - or can you use part of your system?
You've been ill Adge and it is taking a long time for you to recover and it seems your work is pretty hard too - shepherding people around. - yeah - tough
Take things at your pace and don't let people push you to do more than you can
We're improving how you access SANE services, starting with Forums
You’ll soon be able to use one secure login to access all SANE services.
For added security, members are now required to log in with their email address and password - member names are no longer supported for logging in.
If you had a Forums account before 19 May 2026 and haven’t set up your new login yet, you'll be prompted to set up your new secure login when you sign-in.
