Grief & loss - may be triggering

Good luck tomorrow Adge, I hope you qualify and get the grief counselling you need.

Did I tell you I was diagnosed with Complex Grief (CG) myself. Can't believe they have a 6month marker of the day that that clocks over. But guess everything needs boundaries.

After my miscarriages and 12yo - that first 6months was definately the hardest - so they have something there 2.5yrs before I stopped shaking inside. 4 years before I stopped fighting. 6yrs to come to terms with being bowled over by waves of grief. Some big, some small, some unexpectedly, but especially when I feel her loss most, miss her most, like annual anniversary dates. Oh yes, and theres triggers, everywhere - like this last week's sirens & helicopters attending an accident with children only two blocks away, waking me up to flashbacks and crying all day.

I just popped over the Worry Room thread you mentioned. Yes. Interesting. Sleeping all the time actually is a sign of relapse, depression, escape from pain, but actually matters more when you live with someone than on our own.

As for Complex Grief, I thought we had to be 'bereaved' (deprived of a close relation or friend through their death), to have a diagnosis of CG. However, as I've said earlier on this thread, we can lose important people in our lives to LOSS of the relationship, or who they once were when it changes. It really hit me hard (mysteriously) when my baby brother slipped into psychosis and we lost the personality of him that we once held dear. I miss him, yet he still is. Street drugs are a real problem too. Like your brother who's life is in the balance due to alcohol etc. Will you miss him?

My S3 is very affected by the bereavement loss of his sister.

I still long for, grieve for, miss a loving mother. My mum is a nassasist who draws caos, drama into her life and all the family - then Vries and demands sympathy and blames everyone else, and she lashes out pushing everyone away who cares about her, (a self fulfilling prophecy that proves her right in her own mind). She's incredibly moody, self serving and never satisfied, no matter how hard we try. Now, totally burned out, I find my internal conflict mostly comes in realising I'd rather bereave my mother than endure her constant black hole of pain. That's bad I know.

If my sister died, after teaching me to live totally without her for five years - what difference would that make to my life? I have grieved my sister - its what she wanted. But my mum, and dad, this will be harder I suspect. So much lost time.

Don't know how I'd cope with an adult child going off the rails. My kidaults are fairly stable, stayed away from drugs and bad company. They have jobs and partners.. They have gone from my parenting control into adult life, yet still hurt me without trying - mostly with their absence (which is natural) but also their lack of quality contact, gratitude and respect or appreciation. I know my loneliness is MY responsibility to deal with, along with MI - anxiety / depression / bipolar / complex / bpd / grief / ptsd / whatever... But it still hurts and they have the power to make it easier to live just by being in my life more. I still love them with the heart of a mother who once kissed their feet, and I miss them all.

But, I can't control them - my adult children, or force them to consider me in their choices more. They must find their own way. But are they really better off without me in their life more?. I dont know. I still love them, feel for them, worry for them and want their best welfare.

I believe Real love is so very pure and powerful and eternal - even if I only get to express it to God and into the universe where it will find them, comfort and strengthen them, i know it. Even crossing the divide between heaven and earth. I know it in my heart to be true. Ironically this refusal to accept death as an end is seen as CG, but I don't care - if it gets me through the day here on my own, then what does it matter.

Sorry, this wasn't meant to be so long. Night 😴🌷🌿🐦💕

Hi @Former-Member

I have been okay - I slept most of the weekend because for some reason when the doctor took a large piece out of my ingrown toe-nail it released a lot of pressure and I can hardly believe how I slept. I think I was blocking out the pain of the infected toenail and how it was distorted and the damage causing - it feels so different today - well - ever since I had it done late Friday - but I had to keep it elevated over the weekend - and sleep is not a bad way to pass the time when the weather is bleak etc

Complex Grief - I had not heard of that - nor long quesionaires to prove grief for whatever - it doesn't sound good at all - today is my cousin's anniversary - at least I think it is - no one knows when he died - it was lost in the bush - intentionally - and it was terrible when he died but not now - my son's death is closer to home and I still have some time left before the anniverary and I did have a bad day - last week sometime - and I couldn't face the serious messages here - so I stayed away - but mostly I have time out because of my toe

Amazing how a toe can cause so much trouble

Yes - it is hard to get past all of this stuff but easier as the years pass - but the second year is the hardest I think - maybe the shock etc has worn away and leaves the pain open in the cold wind or something like that

But loss and grief are both part of life - and no one gets out of this world alive -

It's a real pity more people did not understand this

Dec

Oh @Adge, I can feel your exhaustion in your words, and its no wonder with such a big day driving, concentrating and dealing with emotionally draining subjects.

Hope nothing we said here has 'disempowered' you too. Certainly not intended. Our troubled brothers are directing their own life as adults, like you say - you've tried everything. What is your bros added disability? That sure wouldn't help.

I posted on the Bird thread to you, but You probably need an early night and that would be very wise. And self caring. When you're up to it, love to hear more about the interview, what if anything was the point of it all, for you? Sleep well tonight 🌷🌿😴

Thanks @Former-Member I'm feeling bad guilty that I don't have the energy to respond to all of what you both said. Sorry.

No I didn't take anything the wrong way, it's fine.

My brother is both blind & intellectually disabled (all his life) - he keeps inviting strangers into his public housing flat.

They live there for free, then steal his possessions & smash things - it's happened many times. The user "friends" also verbally attack my Mum & other brothers, when they've come over to help my brother (visit).

So sad & complicated.

The grief study took little out of me emotionally (unless I'm just in denial). Grief & loss was barely talked about, it was all about what they hope to achieve, & many pages of questions to see if I fit the criteria.

I think it was the huge length of time taken, & the long drive (about 50 minutes each way) that was so draining.

There's nothing in it for me, sorry for being self-centred. It's the one on one sessions in several weeks (after 2 weeks of written questionnaires sent by post) that I am hoping is useful

That's when they start using "Behaviour activation" to try to get me involved in activities that bring more fulfilment or sense of purpose.

I think that's a great idea that makes a lot of sense - the point is where will I find the energy to get involved in more things - when I've already been trying to do that for several years, if not more?

I already go to 2 yoga classes per week (mostly) - that's a big effort on it's own.

Sorry so tired I can't think positive, always end up thinking negative or down when so tired.

Have a good night, thanks for your company. Goto go to sleep now.

Adge

Hi @Former-Member

Complicated Grief - ah ha - I think I must have had that when my son died - and I can't see anything wrong with it - it's natural when someone as precious as a child dies -- esp when the relationship has been difficult - I often think my son tested my love to death - his death - but he need not have bothered - I still love him

Why should I have been in a hurry to get over it? That is a puzzle - I think that was invented by someone who needed an answer to the question about people who grieve in a long, painful manner - but what is wrong with it - the emotions are hard and must be gone through to get out the other side

Of course it's unpleasant - and it has been "pathologized" - wonderful word - I can't see why it's unhealthy - it would be unhealthy not to have it.

Enough steaming - I can do without steaming

Some central European women express their grief by wearing black for the rest of their lives and that's their culture and it would be wrong if they did not - but I wonder about some women - I have been alone for 27 years and I don't miss my husband - I already had my own life when we were still living in the same house but not as a married couple - it was harder with him there. I have asked people at Life-Line why some women can't handle losing their husband - which strikes me as Complicated Grief - my mother totally lost the plot when Dad died and never got it back - wow - I don't understand that except maybe she was already having dementia before he died.

I think I am mad at her because she wouldn't let me grieve when my son died - and wouldn't let me talk about it - it upset her - and if women want to wear black clothes - to me that is okay - I wear a lot of black clothes - just by chance I am wearing black today - my daughter and grand-daughter do too

Sorry - I'm getting side-tracked.

Anniversaries - I sort of forget my mother's annivesary - and wondered what was wrong with me that day - what a headache I had and how strange I felt - then I realised she had died a couple of years back - weird - Dad - I was so close to Dad I feel as if he is in the next room and I could go and talk to him when I want to - I know he is not there - but on his anniversaries I don't feel bad at all - I feel as if he is deep in my DNA and I don't have to go far at all. If I want to ask him a question I just have to think for a while - that is really cool - I wish other people could have such an easy time losing one of their most important people. I am very much like him

I felt pretty bad for a while yesterday which we think is my cousin's anniversary - but that might have been my toe - I just had a shower and soaked my foot again and redressed it and it hurts like all the dickens right now - when I am walking - but it looks better - I think that is the exposed nail-bed which would be normal to sting

But yes - that might have been my cousin as well - I do miss him - we emailed a lot

My son though - that's a bad one - I can feel bad on and off for months - all the time he was in prison - but the years are passing and it is getting less - the anniversary will get to me though - it will hit me like a ton of bricks no matter how fast I run or how far I go and I never know what day that will be. Last year I was in Canberra and I woke up feeling a sense of terrible desolation - and I had to get out of the hotel room that day and fly back to Melbourne - and I had to ring Life-Line twice - but then the rest of the day was wonderful

So getting through that one is tricky - I will eventually get a migraine but I don't know when that will be and it will be a bad migraine - sheesh - is it ever -

The wound in my heart is light-years across and millenia deep - I guess you would have one the same

I hope your anniversaries get less - I try not to expect anything different - what will happen will happen - and it's my grief - it happened to me - it was my son and I am allowed to feel as bad as I feel - I deserve to have my time - I have earned the right to have it

And it hurts - it always does - and I think whatever you are experiencing is normal for you - running away from it is what makes it worse - and I try

Dec

The grief study does not involve “talking therapy”, the grief study lady said – it’s mainly trying (learning) behavioural activation techniques (or doing stuff).

She didin't really tell me what that means, so I looked it up myself - it's something to do with getting more involved in activities that give us a sense of achievement, value or pleasure.

I really don't find pleasure in (or enjoy) virtually anything at the moment - so finding some of that would be an achievement in itself.

Plus pleasure (or enjoyment) makes me feel guilty (bad), so I definitely have to work on relaxing & enjoying things without feeling guilty (or shame).

She said (thinks) that behavioural activation has not been used with people with prolonged (or acute) bereavement loss before.

The grief study is of such a short duration (just a few sessions), that they seem unable to “follow through” with any techniques or ideas (activities).

They will not be able to “track my progress” (so to speak), or prod me along the way (after that).

So that’s where longer-term therapy approach seems far more useful (& effective).

So I’ll be wanting to practice things with my Psych, or “run ideas past her" – if I learn anything helpful.

Adge