Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Thanks @Former-Member,

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. It's so hard with aging parents, isn't it? Do you feel like you are the main support for your Mum?

My Dad is elderly and has a few pressing health issues, but has previously been well for the last 6 months or so. Now he seems to be sliding down-hill.

I had a good talk to him on the phone this morning and he expressed his fears to me- basically, he thinks he is dying and he doesn't want to die in hospital- he wants to stay at home. I told him that he may be sick, but that doesn't mean he was dying, but that he needed to get treatment- and if treatment means he has to have a short hospital stay, then I said I thought he should do that.

He actually came around to my way of thinking and said he would consider a short hospital stay, if that is what the doctors wanted. Thank God, he likes and respects his specialist, who is an amazing person and very compassionate.

I feel like a had a small win with him this morning. He is so difficult to manage - as far as his personality and emotions go. He can be very negative.

Well, I am just happy I am here in my own house and I haven't dropped everything and run to him. My brother and sister are taking him out to lunch today and he sounded like he was looking forward to that. I am glad they are taking the trouble.

Hi @Former-Member,

I can relate to pretty much everything you wrote about your parents.... one thing I will say is that you seem to have great insight into the situation and that will serve you well. Yes, it looks like your bro and your Mum have a co-dependency thing going on, I'm sorry to say it. It's best to leave them to it... even though it is sad and you don't like it... it isn't your job to save them.

It's just best to offer the level of support that you are comfortable in giving, and stick with that. It's something I have a lot of trouble with... and have done all my life. I find I take other people's troubles on board way too easily.

My Mum passed away nearly 2 years ago and my Dad is lonely and grieving. My Mum was a hard case too- very emotionally volatile, anxious and a bit dramatic, too. I always felt burdened by her unhappiness and that it was my job to 'fix' her.... well, I was so wrong about that! I suppose my Dad and my Mum were co-dependent: I don't really know.

I have to work today and so won't hear the next installment about Dad's illness until I get home form work. He's getting his test results today.

I spoke to my sister yesterday and she seemed bewildered and crushed that Dad is sick again... like she needed me to tell her he was unwell... I wonder why she can't see it with her own eyes? I think both my bro and sis live in La La Land!

But anyway, I had a good evening with Hubby and didn't dwell on it much at all. My new project is making a natural sourdough 'starter' culture, so I'm thinking about that, and of course, my PhD.

How are you @Former-Member?

Hi @Sahara

Just popping in to say I am sorry to read that your father is unwell. It was good that you talked him around to seeking proper medical treatment. Your dad would be going through a very difficult time right now and would need his family. I wouldn't be ignoring what your heart is saying when beckoning to run over and see him. Although difficult for you it would mean much to him as his depression/grief would be making him less able to cope and family support is what it's all about now giving him the added strength he needs to heal - and there would be no regrets later. In my life experience there is no greater pain than losing someone we love. And a person can become lost. Yes, it is like learning to walk again. I would never get over the loss of my soul mate.

We all need someone at times. Especially in grief or when faced with our mortality.

In my experience with my husband we are stronger together than apart and lean on each other. That's a healthy relationship with give and take. Co-dependency is different, with one side expecting their every need to be met in a desperate bid for survival or self indulgence and will go to almost any lengths to get it, without giving back in equal share, just take, take take; that's not a relationship based on real love - which drains those they are co-dependant on as they feel inadequate to cope with life or don't want to do the hard yards to stand on their own or commit to another fully. It can be a narcissist type of existence. I don't think that was the case with your parents @Sahara. Your father misses the loved they shared.

@Former-Member - so sorry to read about your losses, I can so relate in part and empathise deeply. I lost three children and also had a mental breakdown five years ago 💜🌹🤗xx

Hi @Former-Member

I nearly didn't survive it all but now I am a lot better. It took 10 years to really heal from losing my 3 children through estrangement (divorced, then I had to move away with present husband and ex poisoned the minds of my three children against me whom I was so close too. I haven't seen them for 15 yrs, no card, contact or anything. I did nothing wrong - ex was jealous). I also had a miscarriage 35 yrs ago. I found estrangement harder - as when someone dies they don't choose to leave you (unless it's unnatural). But estrangement they choose to and the grief for me was worse than losing someone by death.

But I am mostly over the grief now - just left with mental scars that I battle with. But am much stronger than I was. Now for different reasons I am losing my daughter to my second marriage as she has gone off the rails on drugs and in the wrong company. She doesn't listen to us.

So many people say to me "have do you survive - how do you stay sane and cope?". My husband also suffers health issues such as cancer) I still have a love for my life now, not sure how but I treasure the peaceful moments. The good in it. The fun times with my best friend and people I work with voluntarily. But mainly it is the love of my husband that has seen me through. He is my rock.

I also took anti-depressants together with HRT/hormone replacement and this really helped also - hormone imbalance makes all the above near impossible to cope with. When I had a total breakdown I could not leave the house on my own. I could not be alone. Everyday I woke up in dread and could not get out of bed. I was catatonic. My anxiety was off the scales and I could not do anything. I found life unbearable and many told me that in the old days I would of been institutionalised and not many come back from where I was. And here I am. Much better. Finding purpose and keeping busy during the day and forcing myself out to do volunteer work was terrifying at first - panic attacks galore. But that is what I had to do to recover. Isolation mad enough me worse even when very ill. And it worked. I rarely have panic attacks now and enjoy socialising. Big change. I try and not look back to the past but can be triggered. I can see till have bad episodes but not as long or often. The best thing for me is to live in the now keeping actively engaged and look to a better future.

i do need to become fitter though and will work on that. I find being unfit can cause bouts of depression in itself.

Sorry, I posted more than I intend - sorry @Sahara. Just wanted to say yes, people who reach out here and care do help me a lot. I just hope I can be of help too. I believe if I can do it anyone can. You aren't alone my friend - am always here if you ever need me. Hugs xx

Hi @Former-Member and @Former-Member,

I am actually going to see my Dad, just for the day, tomorrow. I look forward to it and also dread it! But it is only one day... and my sis is coming over to his house as well.... which will help. Strangely, the doctor was vague about Dad's test results and wants to wait until he has spoken with Dad's specialist before deciding on a course of action. So; no real news.

@Former-Member - I know exactly what you mean... if Dad passes, I will regret having not spent time with him. Last year, I spent a lot of time with him. It brought me down very low, emotionally. I suppose it was a bit of a reminder of everything I've experienced in that house, with my parents being at each others' throats (verbally) and me being incredibly anxious in their presence. And now with Dad alone, I just feel his overwhelming misery wafting over me in waves...

When I am at home at my own house, I feel so much better than when I am with Dad- it is a complete turn-around; it really is an amazing contrast, you have no idea!

But anyway, tomorrow I will do my duty.

@Former-Member, yes, absolutely, I grieved when my Mum died and I still am, to some extent. All that gets amplified when I see Dad, too. My Mum was elderly and it was her time to pass on... I think somehow it is a bit easier to accept when someone reaches the end of their life and they are old and tired. You can feel that they are ready to go. You would not want a person to live on and on and on once they are ready to go. It's like life reaches it's completion, somehow.

That doesn't mean it isn't sad. It is very sad and it's like a type of very deep loneliness that you feel. You know you will never see that person again and you feel that loss. It takes time to get used to it.

I remember I just lay on the couch at home and sobbed my heart out every day at about 3 pm, for two weeks in a row. I don't know why that happened at 3 pm... it was a bit odd that I kept sobbing at the same time each day. Then I would get up and wash my face and go on. I was able to normal things, like go for a walk, do the housework and the cooking, etc. It's not like a was incapacitated.

But I would think about my Mum all the time.