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Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor11 May 2017, 2:23 pm AEST

Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hi Everyone,

I've been away from Sane for a while, but I wanted to write about a recent upset. I have been feeling very angry and sad and anxious.

I was part of a community group, but I recently resigned, as I found it very unrewarding, time-consuming and frustrating. I had a leadership role. There was one lady in our group who really bothered me and confused me.

This lady resigned from our leadership board because she felt the group "lacked vision" which made her feel "uncomfortable". She made a big show of resigning in front of everyone and I felt very personally criticized by her actions, as I was ultimately in charge of the board.

(Some of you may remember me writing about this a few months back!)

Anyway, so as not to create disharmony in the group, I just accepted her resignation and thanked her. The bad news is that she decided to hang around.... as a regular member of our group. (Nothing I could do about that.) Then, she started turning up to board meetings again! And once or twice she landed on my front doorstep to ask questions.... without so much as a howdy-do! Like, she obviously has no social skills!

I tolerated her, but my anger began to grow.

The thing is, that up until her resigning from the board, I had had her around for tea and scones at my place and welcomed her into my home... we were also planning to run a workshop together.... then, bam, she just hits me with her resignation totally out of the blue!

Why?

Now that I too have left the group, I decided to tell her how I really felt about her inconsistent and confusing behavior. I emailed her and told her that I felt disrespected by her and explained why. I got it all off my chest in an articulate and pithy way. Then I blocked her emails because I am just so angry at her.

My anger seems to come from people who give me very mixed messages. I really feel so flat and drained now... I keep wanting to fall asleep. I'm also pretty anxious- like, what if she turns up at my house again? I know this doesn't sound very serious to most of you, but I have this huge problem telling people how I really feel and once I do tell them, I feel frightened.

Thanks.

274 replies

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In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

utopiaSenior Contributor26 May 2017, 11:02 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@Sahara. A workaholic is still using an addictive trait to get through the day. Same as the drug user, the gambler, the sex addict and the shopping addict.
I wonder if in future the doctor could send your dads scripts straight to the chemist anf then the pharmacist can call your dad to pick up his medicine or maybe have it delivered to him.
It's hard, because he is an adult and has a right to live and do as he chooses. But not easy for loved ones to sit and watch and feel helpless. I'm sorry.
Went to psychologist. He's going to call my psychiatrist. About readmission to hospital - don't think Workcover will approve it. And about meds to stop my cravings and to help me get through the days.
Last night was a very black day. Today is just as hard. Just plan to go to sleep with the aid of a few calmer tablets. Hopelessness is all consuming at the moment and the only way I think I can survive another day without going crazy or dying is to sleep.
So that's my plan. Sleep away the day.

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Unknown userMember26 May 2017, 11:15 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@utopia

sorry to read that you are struggling so

you have a very good psychologist who is on the ball and gets things done

remember how much you have achieved

going back to hospital does not mean in any way that you have gone backwards, failed in any way

it just means that perhaps you were discharged too early the first time

it is hard to tell when we are ready; your psychiatrist was mindful of you at the same time pressured by workcover bullies

one day at a time as corny as it sounds

you have all of your wonderful friends here supporting you

you can do this utopia as you have advised so many others; perhaps let go a little?

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor27 May 2017, 8:51 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hi @utopia and @Former-Member,

I am following @utopia's journey over on her discussion thread. I am thinking of you @utopia.

I struggled yesterday accepting that my Dad is sick and that the bulk of responsibility for his care may fall on my shoulders, again. I am really dreading having to go and stay with him a few days per week at his house, like I did last Winter, to oversee his care. If fact, I probably just wont do it. No-one is asking me to.

It was grueling and effected my mental health. I found that his misery really brought me down very low. I would do things like spend extra time in the shower, just to have some alone time and some escape! I would go to bed really early to "read my book" - really, just to escape him. I would take the dog for long walks.... "the dog really does need his exercise" I would declare - no, actually I just needed to escape Dad and escape that house of misery!

My Dad is not a great patient. Who of us is? He complains about everything, all the time. (He doesn't complain about me- he complains to me.) It really started to get to me, last year. I found that I was secretly pouring myself alcoholic drinks just to calm my nerves, while I was around him.

It would not be healthy for me to have to go back there this year. I don't think I will suggest it to my brother and sister. I think I will just say that I can't do it this time, because of my work. I really think this is the best course of action, for me.

In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

utopiaSenior Contributor27 May 2017, 8:13 pm AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

You and your health always needs to come first @Sahara.
I think your decision not to go down to dads is a great decision on your part. And shows great insight into what you need and putting yourself first.
Well done my friend.

In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Unknown userMember28 May 2017, 7:51 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Wow, this thread has been really inspiring for me this morning! I've had 3 days of 12 hours sleep!in total. I resorted to a sleeping aid and honestly I find they just take the edge off and I've been trying not to become addicted to them but if I don't take them I usually wake, stew over and over thoughts. My partner is now saying I don't listen to him. In honesty it hurt greatly because my life revolves around him and 3 kids. I don't have pastimes!
Upon reading here I feel a bit more enlightened to look after me whilst I'm feeling unheard and basically communicating to get nowhere. Grrr.
@Sahara, I love what you are now doing with work to keep safe for yourself. I feel I walk in blind thinking roses of everyone to be robbed once their agendas become revealed. Not a nice feeling.
But that's where I end up really knowing and listening to myself more.
@utopia I'm sorry relationships with your son has become like this. Wow, it's so hard to be a parent and tune all out time into our children. I often feel I have to be this role model that honestly is not real. At the end of the day we are thinking, feeling human beings too. Keeping all that in check at challenging times is not an easy feat. By any shot of genius!
I feel much this way of late.
thank u all, I realise hey hang on my mental health is important. If I have to decline events or places I'm allowed for now.
WEL I'm two coffees in suns out. 🙂

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor29 May 2017, 7:34 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hi @utopia, @Former-Member, @Former-Member, and all.

I was pretty stressed out last night, as my Dad called and then he proceeded to have a massive coughing fit over the phone and then couldn't catch his breath. I called my brother and said that I think Dad needs to go back to the doctor today; but my brother was like "How do you think you are going to make him do that?"

My brother was not that helpful. I just said, 'I'm going to call Dad back and if I think you need to go over and check on him, I'll let you know."

I called dad back and he seemed ok. But I was really worried.

I sent a text message to Dad's specialist last night and amazingly, she replied and she wants me to call her this morning- she is an Angel. She is such a good doctor and seems to really care.

I'm pretty stressed because I'm supposed to go to work but now will probably need to be on the phone trying to organise Dad. Pretty hard trying to do both at the same time. I would not mind trying to get Dad admitted to hospital today.

It's so hard to do with my brother and sister having their heads in the sand, and me trying to advocate for him over the phone.

It's a bit like I'm on my own with this.

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor29 May 2017, 7:38 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hi @utopia,

I am following your progress on your thread. Thankls so much for keeping us updated. Wow, yes, absolutely, that grumpy nurse was a b*tch! I agree with you. I hope you have the nice one back today.

If people have no compassion, then they shouldn't become nurses, in my opinion. They should chose a different career.

Hope you had a good nights sleep with sweet dreams. xxxxx

In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

utopiaSenior Contributor29 May 2017, 10:24 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@Sahara. I'm sorry to hear about your dad and the worry it has caused you.
How wonderful is your dads specialist. Hopefully she will assist in getting him a hospital stay and then they can di a thorough check up with him. And hopefully get him into a routine of taking his meds and managing his self care.
please keep your self care a priority too.
♡♡

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor30 May 2017, 7:59 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Much, much better today. My Dad's specialist is in contact with his G.P. and they are organizing everything. Dad is grumpy at me for organizing the doctors, but I don't care. He is grumpy anyway. He is not going into hospital, which he despises, but he is having a lot of tests. Dad's specialist actually thought I should have acted sooner with all this. So there you have it.

I think a lot of my anguish comes from my brother and my sister not really helping with this. I have started to call them less on the phone and just deal straight with Dad (very difficult) and with the various doctors. If my brother and sis call me, then I will return their calls, but otherwise, I am going to leave them out of it a bit more.

That sounds really mean. I suppose I had better rethink that one.

I just get so frustrated with people. The same thing happened with the community project I was involved in.... my frustration levels went through the roof. People just didn't contribute.... they just sat back.... and a few of them complained in a way I personally found very rude. I obviously just don't have the knack if being able to deal with people or to tolerate people. I know I really need to learn to be more tolerant and understanding.

I guess I am learning from this. I have to plow ahead and do the things that I believe need to be done, without getting down on those people who sincerely believe nothing really needs to be done. Those people have every right to do nothing and to complain! But they irritate me.

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor31 May 2017, 7:59 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Had a good day yesterday and managed to finish my research proposal for my PhD, so I've sent it in to my potential supervisor. I'm a bit worried that it wont be good enough, but that's me- I worry about everything. Oh well- if I need to change it, I can do that. I have plenty of time.

I spoke to my Dad on the phone and he sounded terrible- he is getting worse each day. He sees the G.P. again tomorrow for the results of the tests.

I spoke to my brother and I felt good that I made the time to call him. We had a good chat. I could feel that he really was concerned about our Dad.

I have some anxiety over feeling I should rush over to Dad. Then I decide "No, I'm not going- I will feel miserable over there." Then I feel better. It's ok just to do what is best for me- I must remember that. Even if I was there, I could only sit and watch Dad coughing and complaining - It's not like I can physically do anything.

It's just amazing how my brother and sister carry on as though everything is fine and they don't seem to spend time with him. But I have to get over my resentment.

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