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Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor11 May 2017, 2:23 pm AEST

Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hi Everyone,

I've been away from Sane for a while, but I wanted to write about a recent upset. I have been feeling very angry and sad and anxious.

I was part of a community group, but I recently resigned, as I found it very unrewarding, time-consuming and frustrating. I had a leadership role. There was one lady in our group who really bothered me and confused me.

This lady resigned from our leadership board because she felt the group "lacked vision" which made her feel "uncomfortable". She made a big show of resigning in front of everyone and I felt very personally criticized by her actions, as I was ultimately in charge of the board.

(Some of you may remember me writing about this a few months back!)

Anyway, so as not to create disharmony in the group, I just accepted her resignation and thanked her. The bad news is that she decided to hang around.... as a regular member of our group. (Nothing I could do about that.) Then, she started turning up to board meetings again! And once or twice she landed on my front doorstep to ask questions.... without so much as a howdy-do! Like, she obviously has no social skills!

I tolerated her, but my anger began to grow.

The thing is, that up until her resigning from the board, I had had her around for tea and scones at my place and welcomed her into my home... we were also planning to run a workshop together.... then, bam, she just hits me with her resignation totally out of the blue!

Why?

Now that I too have left the group, I decided to tell her how I really felt about her inconsistent and confusing behavior. I emailed her and told her that I felt disrespected by her and explained why. I got it all off my chest in an articulate and pithy way. Then I blocked her emails because I am just so angry at her.

My anger seems to come from people who give me very mixed messages. I really feel so flat and drained now... I keep wanting to fall asleep. I'm also pretty anxious- like, what if she turns up at my house again? I know this doesn't sound very serious to most of you, but I have this huge problem telling people how I really feel and once I do tell them, I feel frightened.

Thanks.

274 replies

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In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Unknown userMember24 May 2017, 9:34 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@utopia @Sahara @Shaz51

excellent stuff

You are going ahead in leaps and bounds Utopia. Good for you.

You are so brave, attending those meetings in a small town where everyone knows everything.

You are definitely giving a strong message to the youth re stigma; re acceptance

this is brilliant.

You could contact sane re an article about what you are all doing, if everyone is comfortable with that. this is exactly what is needed to help combat suicidal feelings.

could be just an article with no names. The sky is endless.

In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Shaz51Senior Contributor24 May 2017, 9:36 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hello @Sahara, @utopia

I doubt I could ever stand up in a meeting and say "I am an Alcoholic." Partly, this is because I'm not sure that I am an alcoholic, --- I am sure i am not but i do like a drink or two on the front steps after work , i ahv only been drinking since i have been married

Hello @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Change123

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Unknown userMember24 May 2017, 11:49 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

hello @Shaz51

enjoying one or two drinks sitting on a front step with your man after working hard is not the signs of an alcoholic.

it is relaxing, chilling out and enjoyable.xxxx

In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

utopiaSenior Contributor24 May 2017, 1:27 pm AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@Sahara @Former-Member @Shaz51.
I do believe there is a difference between alcoholism, having a problem with alcohol, & enjoying a social drink.
My dad and my mums dad were both alcoholics. I have an addictive personality - I'm aware of that. So I stay away from gambling. Don't always stay away from chocolate.
But I drink on my own. Not with other people. Because I've been isolating myself again this year with my depression.
I would average 4 cans of bourbon and coke a day. But could on occasion drink up to 6 cans. I would often have my first can, my first drink, by 9.30am or when I woke up.
I didn't crave a drink. My brain would just say 'why not. There is nothing else to do'.
I might have 2 cans and then go back to sleep for a few hours. Then I'd have a couple more cans when I woke up later.
Not a healthy way to live. Not a healthy way to be a parent.
So I say I am someone who has a problem with alcohol. But in all reality, that problem could just as easily be called alcoholism. Especially if I don't stay off the drink.
My son is still not talking to me. My mum is concerned about his mental state. I'm worried I've really really hurt him. I know I have. But I'm scared that I have messed with his brain too.
So thif Friday - my first appointment with my psychologist will be spent talking about my boy, & what he can suggest.

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Unknown userMember24 May 2017, 1:39 pm AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@utopia

yes you understand about alcohol and addiction.

your son is with your mum and is probably still feeling very unsure about a lot of things.

you are thinking very clearly, use the psychologist to help work out where to go with son and yourself.

You are healing, gaining strength, self understanding, groundwork for discovering the new relationship with your son. A relationship where there is honesty, commitment and examples of optimisim, self respect, love. You are putting all of this in place and just need support.

Remember you cant possibly imagine what is going on in the head of your son. Trust me I know this myself with my sons.

I have rebuilt relationships with my boys, after marriage break up. I will believe in them until the day I die and they know this. I just keep on reminding them of what they have to offer the world and of my unconditional love.

Happy days ahead Utopia just dont be in a hurry xxxx do understand though

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor25 May 2017, 9:05 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Thanks for your reply, @utopia. I actually drink when I am by myself, too. But I love being by myself these days.... it's not really that I'm bored or anything. I dunno, I just like drinking.

I can also be home alone without drinking and that's fine too. Some days I don't really even think about it. I just do the stuff I like to do and hey, presto, no drinking seems to have happened...? It's like alcohol doesn't even exist on that day.... it isn't even on my radar.

Good luck with the appointment with the psychologist... it's so good to talk things over and get your thoughts out in the open. I always liked and appreciated going to counselling in the past. I always felt grateful for the opportunity to do it. I felt like I unburdened myself in counselling.

It's good that your son is with your Mum and you know where he is. You have on-going communication with your Mum, so you can gauge where your son is at. You must miss him.

I wonder if you could go over there and see him, even for half an hour? Would he be glad to know that you tried? Even if he didn't show that he was glad to see you, he might secretly be relieved that you tried to have contact? I guess I'm a bad one to try and give advice, as I am not a parent.

In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

utopiaSenior Contributor25 May 2017, 9:29 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@Sahara. I go over there. He walks past me. Ignores me. Mum says he's irritable for the redt of the night after I've been there.

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor25 May 2017, 4:43 pm AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@utopia,

I think it's great that you keep trying. I know your son will recognise how devoted you are and how much he means to you. I wish I had some sage advice.... I was always reluctant to become a parent myself and so I never did. I know there are many loving parents here on Sane who will understand where you are coming from, though.

A few problems with my Dad today, who is sick and who is always reluctant to see a doctor. I live two hours away from him, and find it hard to work out what's going on, over the phone.

I made him a doctor's appointment for him this afternoon and co-ordinated my sister to go and meet him there. I think both of them are displeased with me now!

In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

utopiaSenior Contributor25 May 2017, 5:03 pm AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@Sahara. It wouldn't hurt your dad to get a check up twice a year anyway. Your sister should be happy you are helping.
Have you heard back from them yet? Hopefully it's nothing much, & your dad will recover quickly. But if he doesn't get checked out .... well then we are allowed to intervene.

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor26 May 2017, 8:36 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Thanks @utopia,

I wont bore you with all the medical details about my Dad, but he is elderly and has been sick, on and off, for some time. I spoke to him last night and he is Ok. One thing that did annoy me is that the doctor gave him a script but he didn't get it filled. My sister took him out for coffee after the doctors appointment, but didn't bother with going to the chemist?! Why have time for coffee but not going to the chemist? I don't understand! I just have to try and let this go, because at least she was there and at least she was trying.

My sister is a workaholic and can't seem to think of anything but work. I don't know what my brother is doing, but they both seem to keep their heads in the sand. I try to manage things from afar- it is hard over the phone. My brother and sister are both there, in the same town as Dad, but they don't do the normal, practical things that need to be done. Not because they don't care, but they seem oblivious ....

I do think sometimes that the same gene that made my sister into a workaholic is probably the gene present in me that makes me want to drink. It's that 'addictive' tendency. Just a thought.

Last time I was at Dad's house, I opened the fridge door and there was more alcohol in there than food! I had never seen that before. I felt a pang of concern, but then we just had a few drinks together. Oh Dear.

How are you today, @utopia? Did you see your psychologist?

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