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Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor11 May 2017, 2:23 pm AEST

Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hi Everyone,

I've been away from Sane for a while, but I wanted to write about a recent upset. I have been feeling very angry and sad and anxious.

I was part of a community group, but I recently resigned, as I found it very unrewarding, time-consuming and frustrating. I had a leadership role. There was one lady in our group who really bothered me and confused me.

This lady resigned from our leadership board because she felt the group "lacked vision" which made her feel "uncomfortable". She made a big show of resigning in front of everyone and I felt very personally criticized by her actions, as I was ultimately in charge of the board.

(Some of you may remember me writing about this a few months back!)

Anyway, so as not to create disharmony in the group, I just accepted her resignation and thanked her. The bad news is that she decided to hang around.... as a regular member of our group. (Nothing I could do about that.) Then, she started turning up to board meetings again! And once or twice she landed on my front doorstep to ask questions.... without so much as a howdy-do! Like, she obviously has no social skills!

I tolerated her, but my anger began to grow.

The thing is, that up until her resigning from the board, I had had her around for tea and scones at my place and welcomed her into my home... we were also planning to run a workshop together.... then, bam, she just hits me with her resignation totally out of the blue!

Why?

Now that I too have left the group, I decided to tell her how I really felt about her inconsistent and confusing behavior. I emailed her and told her that I felt disrespected by her and explained why. I got it all off my chest in an articulate and pithy way. Then I blocked her emails because I am just so angry at her.

My anger seems to come from people who give me very mixed messages. I really feel so flat and drained now... I keep wanting to fall asleep. I'm also pretty anxious- like, what if she turns up at my house again? I know this doesn't sound very serious to most of you, but I have this huge problem telling people how I really feel and once I do tell them, I feel frightened.

Thanks.

274 replies

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In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor18 May 2017, 8:51 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Thanks @utopia and @Shaz51,

Yes, I am sleeping much better. There has been a very interesting twist of events..... the vice president of the board is now moving to push the woman out! It is partially due to what I have said about her (I began to tell others in the group how I felt before I left) and partially due to him having a problem with her himself, now. Phew!

Of course, secretly I am gleeful that she is getting whet she deserves.

Part of me feels sorry for her because she is just a silly old woman. Part of me thinks I was petty for calling her out on her weird behavior. Part of me just can't stand her.

I am trying to put it all behind me. I hope I never run into her again.

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor20 May 2017, 6:39 pm AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Unrelated update- More Stuff Happens!!

A strange thing happened yesterday. I more or less kept in contact with a lady who I became friendly with while I was working at a certain place. That particular place of employment actually fired me by text message about 12 months ago!

I was really humiliated and upset when I got fired - especially the way in which it was done- so impersonal and casual, as though I didn't matter. It was a terrible feeling. But I didn't ever go in and challenge my boss over it.... partly because I hate confrontation and partly because I didn't believe they would ever tell me anything significant that could appease me.

Now, apparently they want me back. The boss that fired me has now left and they are desperate for staff. I guess because of the way they treat their staff, they would be desperate, wouldn't they?

I dropped by there to see the lady who I stayed friendly with, as I knew the boss had left and anyway, a year had passed.... and she said they wanted me back!

Who has been in this situation? Should I go back? I kind of liked the job. It wasn't an awful job, anyway... I kind of liked that lady who I worked with. What would you do?

In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

utopiaSenior Contributor20 May 2017, 7:13 pm AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@Sahara. So the boss has left the organisation. But was it fully the bosses decision to fire you? Were Managers involved? Do they still work there? Did any other staff contact you after you were fired? Did they offer you support, sympathy?
I can't advise you. You need to determine if this will be a safe workplace for you. Maybe you could speak to management or HR & find out why you were fired back then and exactly who caused thst to happen.

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor21 May 2017, 8:15 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

You are so right @utopia. The job was only a casual hospitality job. The manager, the guy who actually owns the business, is still there, but he wants to sell the business now. I don't know if he knew about my sacking or not...... I just presumed he did know. The lady I am friendly with tried to tell me that he may never have known I was sacked? My former boss may have told him I resigned!

It's all 'smoke and mirrors' at that place... so much gossip and mis-information.

If there were an infinite amount of jobs in this town, then I would not consider going back for one second; but its a small town and there are only so many jobs available. It's also interesting that many businesses have trouble keeping staff and a lot of people jump around from one job to the next or juggle several jobs.

I just said that I'd come in and talk to them properly in the spring as I'm already committed to work at another place over the winter. (another casual job) That way I have some time to think it over. I would also like to have a chance to go over everything with them in detail.... in terms of the job's conditions.

For one thing, last time they hired me immediately on the spot, so to speak, (they were desperate for people) but then seemed really peeved when I wanted to go on holidays. There seemed to be the expectation that I would be available to work 365 days a year!

In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

utopiaSenior Contributor21 May 2017, 10:22 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@Sahara. It's so hard to find suitable employment in a small town. I'm in the same boat there.
You could be right. Your old boss who left may have been in charge of the hiring and firing of staff. There may be a better boss now employed in his old job. So who knows what the owner thinks.
It sounds like you have sorted out what you want to know and what you need to determine with regards to employment there. Hours, time off, breaks, etc.
I hope come Spring, that you find that the business has changed for the better.
Good luck.

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor21 May 2017, 1:28 pm AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Thanks @utopia,

yes, it's hard in a small town, isn't it? I'd be very happy with only 2 days per week of work, as I love living a relaxed life-style... so I'll probably put it to them and see what they say. I have a very strong feeling that I will have to spell everything out for them... exactly what I want, and if it doesn't suit them, then it's better to find out up front so no-one gets disappointed.

I did get in a little dig when I spoke to my friend; she said "we have been advertising for ages and we can't get any applicants" and I replied "ahhh... so my campaign against you is working, then?" and I laughed. So funny- but I know I'm very sarcastic, which is not a nice way to be!

In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

utopiaSenior Contributor21 May 2017, 3:24 pm AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@Sahara. Spelling out exactly what you need from the job - what you will and won't do - what you will and won't accept from them sounds like a really great way to deal with this.
It's important to remember that when we go for a job interview, it's not just them seeing if we will bd a fit for their company. It's our chance to interview them too and determine if their workplace is good enough and safe enough for us. So well done in knowing what you need.
Sarcasm. I love it. Sarcasm to me is a little bit like black humour. It's a style of humour. It doesn't have to be hurtful.
I like my sarcasm. I like my quick wit (when my brain is working). It is part of my personality. I can use sarcasm in a negative way with someone who is disrespectful or downright rude to me. It's better than loosing my cool and getting angry and start swearing.
And one of the best bits of that scenario - is that often the person is too dumb to know you have just given him a verbal slap. Lol. Yes I am cheeky.

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor21 May 2017, 5:43 pm AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Oh @utopia,

I am the most sarcastic person in the world.... I have long thought that it was a bad thing! Sarcasm is passive aggressive behavior. It is much, much better to be assertive and just say what you really think. I should have said to the woman "Well... management will have to take a good look at why they have trouble retaining their staff. Perhaps there are some problems that they need to take a good look at. I could probably help them with that."

Like, could I ever!!!

Yeah, I dunno if my friend registered my sarcasm or not. She is not the brightest spark, with all due respect.

Sarcasm is part of my life.... I don't know if I could get rid of it if I tried.

In response to: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

utopiaSenior Contributor21 May 2017, 8:17 pm AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

@Sahara. Your sarcasm gave you a laugh. It wasn't hurtful. I see nothing wrong with it.
But as I've said before, I like my sarcasm. Like anything, there is a time it's okay to use it & a time it's best to zip your lips. Lol

In response to: Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

SaharaSenior Contributor23 May 2017, 7:47 am AEST

Re: Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Good News!

Yes, @utopia,

perhaps a little bit of sarcasm now and then is not too bad. I notice I never use it with the people I genuinely like. That friend of mine from work is just a lady I was friendly with and secretly, I always wondered if she had something to do with my sacking? I don't know... my feelings are that even though we got along well and she acted for all the world like she was on my side... somehow this might not be the case?

I had some great news yesterday. One of the universities I've contacted is considering taking me on for my PhD studies!! This very exciting. I've contacted 3 uni's and heard a pretty mixed kind of response form one of them... then I got a fairly positive response from another one. it's a bit of a drawn out process that I have to go through in order to get in, so I just have to be persistent.

How have you been? What is news?

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