Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hi @Former-Member,

and thanks for your on-going support. You are ace!

So, you understand all about committees...you have had some experiences too. Join a committee at your peril!

It must be universally true that 10% of group members do around 90% of the work.... but, unfortunately, I wasn't happy with that and there was no way to force people to participate.... I was not going to repeatedly ring people at home, at dinner-time and sound like a broken record by constantly asking for support.... that is not my style and not something I would be comfortable with!

I have had quite a bit of experience organizing art exhibitions and I discovered very early on that participants only ever wanted to drop off their art-work and run.... they were not available to help with the hanging or design the invitations or do anything much. I don't know, back then, I guess I thought that I was lucky to be getting a lot of experience in doing all the tasks by myself and that having that experience would set me up well for the future? Perhaps it did.

But now I feel it is my time to do some projects that are just for me. I shouldn't feel angry or resentful about what happened in the community group, as it was just a typical situation and it's not as though people conspired to try and frustrate me. They were just being their ordinary, disinterested selves.

Even the Weird Woman was just being herself and I suppose was not "purposely out to get me" - even though it felt that way.

I will never get involved in a community group again! Never.

Except that I am involved in Sane as a Community Guide! Oh, the irony of it! xxxx

Hi @Sahara

I have been in the same situation too, I find at the time I cant articulate what I want to say (too angry) so end up being nice and then later I'm really angry. Sometimes I wonder if the anger is more at me not being to say what I want at the time.

I think sending her an email is good and definitely unappropriate for her to rock up on your doorstep, without calling or emailing your husband. Unfortunately people are people so I limited myself from these type of groups as I just get aggravated.

Hi @Change123,

thanks for writing. Yes, I am a bit angry at myself as I might have managed that woman better from the start. I tried to be nice, understanding, tolerant, etc, just hoping I would get the same treatment in return, but it didn't work out that way.

In her email reply to me, I got the impression that she had no idea what I was annoyed about and felt that all her actions were perfectly above board! So; we will agree to disagree and I will avoid her in the future, to the best of my ability.

As for turning up on my doorstep- well, she is a country person through and through and maybe that is just what they do here. It wasn't so much the turning up here unannounced- it was that she failed to make polite small-talk, like "How are you? I hope I"m not intruding?" and just launched into annoying questions... questions I thought she no longer had a right to ask since she pointedly resigned from the group's committee.

But she sees herself and reasonable.... so i can only hope that other people call her out on her behavior and that one day she gets the message!

Sorry, I am probably raving on a bit. I am actually beginning to feel better about the whole thing. Today has been a good day.

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@Sahara wrote:

Except that I am involved in Sane as a Community Guide! Oh, the irony of it! xxxx

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laugh

never say never xx

Hi @Sahara, what a tricky situation. When a situation that should be over is still bothering me - i try to work out what the lesson is I have yet to learn from it. If I had your situation I'd be asking myself:

Is my reaction out of proportion? Is this happening joining up with similar old experiences or emotional pain that's trying to hijack a release of its own. Do I need to acknowledge and any resolve past.

Is it a bad idea to let strangers into my home. lts unfortunately you allowed this woman into your home before you got to know her. Most groups I have attendes hold to anonymity, for this reason - to protect all, have policy to not exchange personal details during gp time, as a safety measure, accept perhaps ph numbers. A bit like how sane forums are anonymous. Meeting out for coffee is so much nicer anyway. Sounds like this woman is got a few mixed messages from you - its hard being a leader. But youll know more about boundaries Next time.

Why am scared of her retaliating? Do I deserve a comeback? Was I rude? Did I attack? Was I fair? Did I own my own feelings? Why did i even send the email? etc Could I have found a better way? I once received council to deal with people face to face because it gives them opportunity to respond, ask questions, explain how they feel too, and why they were the way they were.
Even if you agree to disagree and go your separate ways in peace - at lease there is closure. A public place is good at controlling potential outbursts, and or support persons. Even phone calls lack body language.

Whats hooking me in?
Have i forgiven? This doesn't mean anyone's right or wrong or have right of way to hurt us again. Sometimes I have to release people from owing me (for hurting me). I have to make it no longer matter, a non issue - forever. Sure, youll never forget and have the right to protect yourself, draw boundaties - but let go of that need for payback, or vengence, anger or even simply the need to have values acknowledged - expecting undersyanding - these things keep you tied to them - Let it go!

Oh, I'm not finished here but have to go - hope this helps a little at least. Try put right what you can at your end and move on. All the best with it. 🌿Lapses

Hi @Former-Member,

yeah, I hear you.... ! I guess I did not believe that the woman was a stranger when I let her into my home. We had had multiple exchanges by that time and we seemed to be on agreement. I actually like inviting people over- as I feel it is a friendly, personable thing to do.

I think the problem is that I start out well and maybe fail to see the warning signs that someone may be trouble (for me)? I think it did happen once or twice before that I made friends with women who seemed perfectly ok in the beginning- you know, they looked normal and dressed normal and were able to smile and answer questions appropriately, etc. So I took them at face value and made the offerings of the beginning of friendship.... perhaps I am too nice?

But then, on closer inspection, as time goes by, I see that they are not so great!! Just like this woman.

My best friend says that this is what happens; you get to know a person over time and then come to the realization that they are not a great person to be a friend for you. So you cut ties. There is really no other way around it than to take the steps to get to know someone.... then see what happens.

It's a risk you take.

This woman, by nature of her particular personality was not someone who I could be friends with. Others may love her: I don't care, she is not for me!!

No, I don't believe I gave the woman mixed messages- I was always kind and friendly and open with her. She turned on me- resigning out of the blue, openly criticizing our group and then she hung about, regardless of having resigned, in order to criticize some more!!

hello @Sahara @Former-Member

I can relate to quite a few things in both of your posts.

some people dont show their true colours for some time.

Sadly this is also the case with default family (my new name for it)

So I smile so much these days.

I have fewer friends, friends whom I know that I can trust.

I think that you have well and truly put the beast to bed Sahara.

wisdom is such a wonderful thing xxx

hello @Sahara

So, you understand all about committees...you have had some experiences too. --- ohhhhh yes -- People !!!!!