Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Thanks @Owlunar,

'The Desiderata' - I had to look that one up! Yep, I will try and stay away from vexatious spirits.

Oh, I met some lovely people from that group... but none of them were ever in contact with me outside of the group... it never seemed to get that far, for some reason. When I resigned, I didn't ever hear from anyone! I guess people were busy with other things. We live in such a small town and I might easily run into people, but owing to the fact that I only ever get out to walk alone in the forest or go for the occasional bike ride- I just never see anyone.

Well, I possibly am a loner.

That term 'over-thinking' - my best friend says that a lot and has done for eons, I think. So I had heard of it before Sane forums.

A funny new thing.... I did start writing my book about all the people who have p-ssed me off! It's in the form of a novel, so the protaginist is fictional (but really it's me- very thinly disguised). It does feel good to write about stuff that happened. It starts with my first boyfriend.

Hi @Sahara

It can hurt badly when we leave a group - or a website - or wherever and we never hear a thing - it happened to me after I joined this site and I resigned from the site I had been in for years previously - and I have stopped looking there now to see what's happening but not a word was said that I left - and they were still giving new members multiple welcomes.

After years of being a support member - I thought - better out of it - I had found this website and people are more positive and when people leave people post about that - so if anyone looks they know at least people cared

People can be lovely - but I do wonder a whole lot - I live in the suburban wilderness which can indeed be a wilderness. How do we know our tribe in such an environment? I got an reason from a TV programme - a doco on SBS years back - in that case it was your personal phone book - now I say E-List - and the people in our tribe can be from anywhere in the world -

Be a loner - I'm a loner - it can take years but I am comfortable in my own skin - I have spoken out loudly in some situations and we need to have a tough skin to do that - but it does have repercussions - but being a loner isn't so bad - we are free from people peering into our lives for more of the time

But it can be isolating at times too - still - it is easier to avoid vexatious spirits

That's great that you are writing a book about all the people who have pissed you off - now that is something I would enjoy reading - in fact - when I got a new job in 1987 I started writing a diary - and when I read it back I found it humerous - I stopped doing that after a while - and destroyed the notebooks - all hand-written back then - but it was a window into a time of my life when there was great change - wow

I will look forward to hearing more about yours

Have the best day you can Sahara

Dec

Hi @Owlunar,

thanks for writing. I have been really busy with work- which is a whole other story! It's a entry-level, minimum wage type of job that I have just taken for the winter. It's a casual job.

The people in charge have no idea what's going on and I don't think they care very much at all! However, they have been saying "You'll all have to work faster" which is a joke, as we get paid by the hour, so it is not to our benefit to work any faster (I'm already quite fast).

There is no way they could sack us and replace as with other workers, as there is absolutely no-one else available. Already, they have to import staff from overseas to fill roles.... those staff are stuck there for 3 months on a work visa- ok, yes, staff they could leave if they wanted to, but management would not be able to find any replacements easily.

Anyway, the whole thing is a bit of a joke. But it's hard work and I am feeling it in my back and legs! Ouch!

Oh @Owlunar, I have always been a loner. I wish I was different. I wish I was one of those people who is always surrounded by well-meaning friends. That would be my dream. I do try to make friends, but something always seems to go wrong! I don't know why.... I am nice and kind to people and I invite them around to my house, etc, but it just doesn't work out.

Since we moved to this town, there has been, I think, around 5 different women who at first I thought would be nice.... just people to go out for coffee with, I guess. But each of them has drifted away.... I have always been the last one to text message or issue an invitation... but to no avail. I suppose they may have turned out to be not really that compatible with me, anyway. I guess it was just that I was a bit lonely.

It's coming up to 3 years that we have been here and I have only made one friend! And she has only been around for the last 6 months or so. She is a lovely lady.

I still have my best friend and my sister and one other friend who lives about 1000 km away. The lady who I cal my 'best friend' has been a constant in my life for the last 10 years or so. But she has two other ladies who I believe she would refer to as her 'best friends', rather than me. It's not something you discuss, is it? You don't officially give people a 'rank'. But I would be lucky to see her twice a year, although we talk on the phone a lot.

What a ramble.

I, too, have kept a diary, on and off for most of my later teens and twenties. Most of them I have thrown away, but I wish I hadn't. I just felt so paranoid that someone would read them.

Hi @Sahara

An entry-level casual job - you ignore the people in charge and plod along at your own pace - it's hard work going-slow - but yes - I had a low paying job in accounts - everyone was an accountant - including me - but I tolerated this job - loved it actually - and it was near the university which gave me the right to go there for a lecture or class whenever I wanted to as long as I let my supervisor know.

My pay was increased for good work

They can't sack you - they can give you a hard time but if you are at your desk fiddling with paper - let them rant.

Reading back over this the work might be physical - yes - take it slowly - slowly does it - and it can be an accident but dropping stuff if verbally pushed can work - yes

I think your difficulty with people is TRYING to make friends - they possibly get suspicious. Loneliness does not bring people together - I have had a couple of coffee-and-chat type girlfriends through the years and found both of them wanted something more which I could never give. One wanted me to give up university - she was intense about it - I would not give up my studies for anyone - it was my life-line.

I used to attend church regularly and think of returning sometimes but getting up early is not something I can manage. I have had friends for short times through the years but nothing lasted and it never was a problem for me - being a loner is a good idea -

And I would not rank the people I know either - I don't have personal friends - I don't get out much - but the professional people in my life and the on-line friends I have make up for that.

It's really hard to know about people isn't it - but I think things should just happen - and trying to be nice to people - that is so hard - and I think people sense it - I have done this myself - and I have had people try - it and opaque situation at the best of times

The diary I kept was at the end of my marriage - and although the first few notebooks were humerous - I found I poured my bitterness at my ex-h into my notebooks which I kept locked away at home. Later I read these before I burned them - and I would never have wanted anyone to read those.

I would not like people to read my private stories either - paranoid - perhaps - but I don't want anyone to read about the nasty side of my life - which happens so much less since I have been alone

For me being alone means there are fewer people to rub me up the wrong way -

I deleted so much of what I was writing here Sahara - this has been the longest email I have never sent - but I hope what I have written is helpful

Dec

Yes @Owlunar,

it could be my problem "trying to be nice to people" - and maybe trying too hard.... I treat people the way I would like to be treated myself, but perhaps it comes across as forced. Perhaps people are suspicious of me? How funny- maybe they are?

Today I mainly worked by myself, which was nice. My mind kept wandering. On the way home in the car, I fell asleep with my husband driving.... it was a nice, peaceful feeling. Now the roles are reversed- my husband is asleep on the couch while I am awake.

That's interesting that you wrote all about your feelings for your ex-husband in your diaries. That would have been insightful to read over, later on. Feelings are so interesting to read about, especially when they are intense emotions.

I did not write about my break-up with my ex. It would be strange to read about it now.... I can hardly believe I ever had any feelings for him at all... but I know I must have done. Where do feelings go? Why can't we remember what they once were?

I have had so many relationships and friendships dissolve into nothingness! I suppose everyone does.

Must go... I am so tired. I think I will raid the frigde.

Sleep tight tonight. xxx

Difficulty telling my Sister how I really feel.

I spoke to my sister yesterday and again this morning. She told me she doesn't like her psychologist as a person and doesn't want to go back to see her again. I though to myself "No surprise there.... of course she would not like her psychologist. It goes without saying, really. Very predictable. "

Then I got a little bit huffy with her and told her she was resistant to change and that if she never tried to make any changes in her life, ever, then of course things would stay the same for her. But she is not happy with the way things are... so the only option is to make some changes in her life. Which she refuses to do. Therefore we have a stalemate!!

Then I got off the phone and I felt a bit bad for being kind of abrupt with her. Not that I was mean of said anything nasty. I just don't like it when there is a feeling of unease between us.

This morning, our conversation was a lot better and she did say that she needed to make at least a few changes in her life at some point. But not right away. And she still had to work out what the changes would be.

Then everything seemed better between us, but I would not be surprised if she didn't ever see a psychologist, ever again, as long as she lives. Just a feeling that I get.

Anyway..... a few things came out of our talk which baffled me, but in a kind of a good way. For one thing, my sis told me that our Mother's death came out of the blue and was unexpected. This is so not true. Our Mum was sick for 20 years and gradually got worse over that time. During her last two years of life, she was admitted to hospital 3 or 4 times. She gradually got worse during those 2 years, to the point where she was extrememly frail and ill. She could walk and talk but had trouble doing almost everything else. My Dad cared for her- cooked the meals, did the laundry, cleaned the house, went and paid the bills, did the groceries, went to the chemist and drove our Mum to all her doctor's appointments.

During those 2 years, my sister did nothing but work (and go on luxury holidays). It's like she did not even see our Mum at all! She went and saw her but could not see her. She would burst in and out of my parent's house, always in a rush. Without noticing how ill our Mum was.

It's fascinating that you could have a parent dying before your eyes and not even notice.

The good thing is that I now understand this about my sister- how drastically disconnected she is from life. How she refuses to see reality. Wow.

Further Updates (and lessons learnt)

The thing with my community group happened 4 months ago now... it seems like much longer. Happily, in that time I have had very many chances to talk to different people in different community groups and discover the ins and outs of being in a group and what it means.....

On a personal level, I have learnt that I am a very conscientious person. If I say I will do something, then I will do it. Not everyone is like me... in fact, probably 95% of people are not very conscientious! They have good intentions and then they get distracted.

I am going to find that I am easily frustrated with people who are not conscientious. I have to learn to remember that not everyone is like me.... and I should not take it personally.

If I were going to be involved in setting up a community group again (which I think is unlikely ) I would consider the following:

1. Invite people you already know to be reliable to form a group with you. If you can't get anyone who is interested and willing, then you know you will have a problem from the outset. Recruiting unknown and diverse people from the general population is a huge risk. These people don't know you and have no sense of personal accountability to you.

2. Have a token joining fee and establish it at the onset of the group. This should be non-negotiable. New members can come to one meeting to decide if they are interested in the group or not- after that, if they want to stay in the group, they need to pay a fee. If people are getting something for free, they tend not to appreciate it or value it and they take it for granted.

3. Establish some basic rules early on, with in the first few months. Decide as a group what will happen if people break the rules. People need to be held accountable. If they are not held accountable, they will not respect the group and they will feel free to take liberties whenever and where-ever the can. This leads to chaos and frustration!!

4. Delegate tasks as soon as they come up. Keep an accurate record of who has been delegated which task. If people are not putting their hands to volunteer to do required tasks, then you need to find out why. Do people lack the skills and the resources to do these tasks? Do they require further explanation or coaching?

If no-one in your group ever wants to do any of the tasks involved, the group will not function and it will fail. If the work involved to carry out a community project is more that the participants are willing to do, then it cannot possibly work. Speak up... let people know that in spite of their good intentions, the group is not functioning and so it needs to reconsider it's aims.

5. Re-evaluate where the group is at every 2 months. Don't blindly forge ahead with limited support. Acknowledge where improvements need to be made. Give thanks where it is due.

@Former-Member,

I am so impressed that you even bothered to read my rave! Because I was really writing for my own benefit.... I thought it would be very good for me to write down what I have learnt.

Work is a difficult situation.... a lot of people attend meetings only because they have to. They are getting paid, after all. But then again, that should make them even more accountable!! Right?

Look, it's just really hard to take a group of strangers and try to get them all on the same page.... I just thought that people would be enthusiastic, willing, helpful, co-operative and genuine. They were just average people... many with jobs, families, stresses, etc. They didn't mind puting in half an hour to attend a meeting, but they were really not able to offer much else to our community group, in general.

Thanks for the compliments, anyway. I am feeling very positive.

I have even been asked to join a committee of a different group, but I declined! I will just let it go for a while... I want to fully understand and integrate what I have learnt first. I don't want the same thing to happen to me again.