Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hi @Sahara

Now is a good time to keep in touch with your sister - you have described her as a person who wants to do everything properly and fills her life with a "middle-level desk job" which may appear unexciting but can be - as I know having done this for most of my working life. It does sound as if she hides in it though - and now things are getting to a stage where she can't

Now is the chance to be the more understanding sister - which means not telling her what you think but only responding to what she says - (like you said - you don't want to scare her off) and hoping that she will eventually get to the nitting-gritty - which is hard work for both of you

I wish you the best there - I would love the chance to reconnect to my sister - I am open to her but not her bad-behaviour - it's great you have this chance in spite of the sorrowful reason

Dec

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@lapses wrote:

Even ancient scripture says "above everything else, guard your heart because from it flows the springs of life" "make straight our path" "watch the company we seek" Its a respect thing - self respect! 💜

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Hi @Former-Member

That is so true - we need to guard the heart - it says in the NT - "The mouth speaks about what the heart is full of" - so true. People can give away their deepest thoughts and way of being by what they say - and elsewhere - that the tongue is such a small thing but it has so much control - wow - does it ever!!!!!

Somewhere else it says - "The eyes are the windows of the soul - if the eyes are darkened how dark that must be within" - which is not a direct quote - but I could find this - looking up the Bible on-line is really easy I have found out recently

So yes - guard the heart and keep ourselves as free as possible from vexatious spirits - how do we recognise one - aw - wow - I think anything that rubs us up the wrong way

Dec

Hi @Owlunar & @Former-Member,

@Former-Member, thanks for saying that I am a good sister! I try to be, but I so easily get frustrated. I seriously doubt my sister would see or recognise any of my frustrations... it's my best friend who gets to hear about how I really feel. But she thinks that I do a good job with my sis, too.

@Owlunar, thanks for making me see my sister's job in a different light. Yes, I guess it isn't boring to her, and I see that it could be an interesting job in some ways. It's just that the way she engages with the job is so odd... obsessing over tiny little details but not seeming to be interested in the big picture at all. Just for example (and I don't want to go into any specifics due to anonymity) - my sister did not seem to know the main differences between the Liberal and Labour parties... she did not know which was 'left-wing' and which was 'right-wing'!!! She did not know which party was the more 'progressive' and which was 'conservative'. You would think I was making this up- but, no, believe me, it is sadly very true. She didn't know and she didn't care!! But if someone in her office was to spell the word 'conservative' incorrectly, then she would be up in arms. She would have to send them an email to let them know their error!

You must think I am strange to care about how and why my sister works in that job.... and I wouldn't care at all, if I thought she were happy. I just think there is something very odd and obsessive about the way she hides behind that desk - when in fact she is an intelligent, beautiful, gentle soul who could engage with life in more meaningful ways.....

But it isn't up to me to try and change her.... that is why I am so careful now as to what I say. We'll see what a psychologist makes of it all.

Hi @Sahara

I think your sister does obsess over the wrong things - when it comes to accounting we need to be "obsessive" because of the protocol involved - I had to be darned picky when it came to approving accounts for payment - but about someone's spelling????? Like in this day and age - that is the pits -

Anyway - it does seem odd - when we have our eyes and minds open to the bigger picture we can see that our vote isn't just the power of one - it's a community effort - we need to know how taxes and interest work - not in a complex way but just as our ecomomy works for us.

My sister has to be picky to the last point about somethings - I would not take the time - they say time is money but if I put my time down to nothing but money I would feel one hugs waste of time - there are other things in the world - thank God for that

My sister seems obsessive to me too - fussing to the enth degree over somethings and letting the whole world pass by on others

So I do understand what you say. You are right - we can't change other people but for the term of our natural lives we can watch and see what happens

Dec

Hi @Owlunar & @Former-Member,

thanks for writing. My sis and I are going to have a weekend together some time soon, but no date has been set as yet. It's good that she is open to the idea.

I had some kind of good news... the woman at my former community group has resigned from the group! Hopefully, she has gone for good. The first time, she only resigned from her position on the board (but kept hanging around, telling me what to do), now she has resigned completely.

For some reason, thinking about it all kept me awake for hours during the middle of the night. I was very annoyed with myself for over-thinking it. I went over and over and over it in my head.

I wish I could pin-point exactly why that woman annoyed me so much and exactly what it was about her that I found so intolerable. I think it must have been the 'mixed messages' she put out.... that is all I can think of.

All my life I have felt like I have been on the receiving end of mixed messages from people!! People are so complex and confusing. I am always left feeling confused and depleted. I get very disillusioned with people.

When I described what happened to my best friend, she told me "hey, don't worry, Sahara, that woman is an absolute freaking lunatic!!" I tend to agree. But I don't know how and why I got around to beginning to trust her... or if I felt like I had no other options but to trust her and hope for the best?

I suppose I just generally tend to accept people until I learn that they are no good! How are you supposed to know who is going to turn out to be a loony?

All my life I seem to have been at the mercy of people who were nice to me at first and then turned on me... and were needlessly unkind. I don't bloody know why they would turn on me, as I try my best to always be nice to them.

I feel like I should write book about all the people who have done the wrong thing by me.... I would change their names, of course!! It might prove very therapeutic!

Hi @Former-Member,

thanks.... no, it's not a good idea for me to go back to the group now. Maybe if I left it for 2 years or so, then it would be viable for me to return... but only as an ordinary member and not in a leadership role! No, definitely not.... the whole thing was extremely labor-intensive and took up a lot of my time... with very little reward. The people involved were lovely people (on the whole) but they did not want to put time and energy into improving and growing the group... they only ever wanted to get by doing the bare minimum (or even less). Hence, nothing seemed to happen, unless I did it myself!

A lot of members promised to do things and then they simply forgot to do them, or something came up, or they ran out of time, or family responsibilities got in the way, or there was another excuse.... believe me, this happened probably 60% of the time! It happened more often than not... it became the norm.

I did not find it rewarding at all.

I would much rather put all my time and energy into my uni studies and achieve something concrete, like a PhD. At least I will have something to show for my efforts!

I guess that ultimately I am a bit of a loner, too and I work well by myself.

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@Sahara wrote:

Hi @Owlunar & @Former-Member,

For some reason, thinking about it all kept me awake for hours during the middle of the night. I was very annoyed with myself for over-thinking it. I went over and over and over it in my head.

All my life I seem to have been at the mercy of people who were nice to me at first and then turned on me... and were needlessly unkind. I don't bloody know why they would turn on me, as I try my best to always be nice to them.

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Hi @Sahara

I'm glad you are not going back to that group - it sounds more like a clique - and I keep well away from them.

And I tend not to go back to places or people when the experience was not good - or really at all - I find it better to put my energy into the new situation and people - and late in life my father told me that he did the same - and this has served me well

I think your mistake is TRYING to be nice to people - it's easy to be nice to people when they are being nice back. I have sat through meetings and whatever and thought about what is happening - a kind of secret thing without words - something that makes up a clique perhaps. Sometimes I have spoken out about it and sometimes just left and moved on - either way - it is better to do something like your Ph.D which will be immensely rewarding ands you will be with your peers if you attend any seminars - cliquey people tend to have small minds and your mind is anything but that.

Also I am glad that you are going to spend time with your sister - I hope that works out well for both of you - you are both facing a huge family struggle with your aging parents - and this has to be hard and will possibly help you and your sister to be on closer terms.

And over-thinking - honestly I had not heard of that term until I joined this forum and I have had to think about it since - I have a feeling that an idea will buzz around in our heads until we have finished with it - and one way to finish an unwanted idea is to fill our heads with study - then we have plenty of academic things to think about - and one cannot think enough about those

All the best with all of that though - life can be entertaining - and people will bug us and that is enough I think - The Desiderata mentions keeping away from vexatious spirits - I think that's a good idea and not going back to that group is a good idea

Dec