Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hi @Sahara

That is good news that your brother and sister are stepping in with your dad for now - I know you don't have much faith in them - but give them the space to do what they can and remind them every-so-often what they could do if they start to slack off

Maybe they want to - who knows - I wanted to help my parents - even my mother if she let me - but my sister wanted to do the whole lot and I was pushed away - but I didn't get on with my mother and I don't get on with my sister so - wow - I would have liked to have seen Dad more toward the end - but I did at the very end when he was in hospital and then a nursing home

So - give them a chance - that's good for all of you

Wow - that is some dream!! I like dream interpretations - this one - because you were wearing a dinner jacket alone doesn't mean you were partly appropriately dressed - I can't figure that one - I would have to know what a dinner jacket means to you - but searching for a key - oh yes - that is obvious - ah dear - and I think it was you who dreamed you were having your art displayed and you were in the nude and felt over-exposed

Perhaps all this stuff with your father is leaving your feeling naked emotionally - and the jacket is an attempt to hide - but the lost key - hmmmmmm

I will have to look but I think it was T S Eliot who wrote in one of the Four Quartets - "no one thinks of the prison until he remembers the key"

It's so long ago since I read that - I will have to look it up anyway - so I will let you know

I have stopped having dreams that I have forgotten my clothes - it's a horrible thing to find oneself - but I have also noticed in such dreams that no one notices

I would love to hear more

Dec

Hi @Owlunar,

I noticed that you were away from the forums for a few days.... I was thinking of you! Things are going alright here. One sad thing, though, is that my sister has fallen into a heap! She had been very stressed with work for some time... and now with my Dad sick again, it's all getting too much for her.

She had to go to the emergency room with chest pain, then when they discovered nothing wrong with her physically, she decided to go to see a psychologist, because she acknowledges that she is so stressed. I'm not sure if a G.P. recommended a psychologist of if she initiated it herself. There are lots of things I don't know about all this.

One problem is that we never get to talk privately, because she is either at home with her kids in the background, or else she is at work. When I am over there, I always have Dad with me, and she doesn't want Dad to know about all this. So I feel anxious not knowing what is going on! I am also just incredulous, as you would be if you knew my sister.

My sister is the most emotionally repressed person on the whole planet. She doesn't ever experience any emotions (as far as is evident), or ever talk about emotions or anything like that. She is a complete closed book and I cannot imagine her ever telling a psychologist anything at all! I am feeling very frustrated as I write this. I easily feel frustrated with my sis, but it's not my place.... really, there isn't a lot I can do. I have to look after myself.

I have to accept that I don't know what is going on and just focus on my own wellness.

Hi @Sahara

Emotionally Repressed Sister - yes - I do believe I have one of those myself - she is the only person who is right - and I would love to tell her that the sun would rise in the east whether she was there to insist on it or not - but better to keep my opinions to myself - she is infernally bossy but considered knowing the medical details of our parents health was not important - to her maybe they were testing her ignonance but to me I really needed to know - but alas - years after they have died I know I will never know the details

I get the situation - I understand - and perhaps it really is better to care for yourself while this is going on - concentrate on your own wellness - that is the most important thing we can do - make sure we are okay ourselves

I swear my sister loves being the martyr - yours might have some kind of similar disorder but you may never know - as I didn't

It's really tough - I do understand how frustrating sisters can be

Dec

Hi @Former-Member

There are times when it is impossible to connect with people - aw that can be terrible - and to have it smashed into your face over and over - okay - that is not one

We are told to turn the other cheek - but - turn it where? It doesn't actually say - but then - we only have two to turn - and then it doesn't say go back for more

About the not casting our pearls before the swine - how I love this one - I could write a sermon on this one myself.

We are not told who the swine are - and to the Jewish people whence this saying came from think of the pigs as unclean - even though perhaps we don't - but still - people who behave is disgusting ways are not pleasant and we are better not to ask them to dinner and serve it on our best china - they not only do not appreciate this - they prefer other dining habits - so let them

And the pearls - have you thought about pearls? They are prized by many and grow inside oyster shells and that happens because the oyster doesn't like a grain of sand in it's shell and lays down the stuff that makes pearls to stop the irritation - and of course this makes a larger irritant - and the process continues until - pearls. Wow.

These beautiful stones are grown because of an irritation - and do people irritate us at times - do they ever?

So - I think - and I do love thinking - the pearls we might cast before our annoying relatives might be what has developed from years of putting up with annoying crap. We try and protect ourselves from carping and ostracism by building up layers of quite thought that can become beautiful - but

We certainly are not wise to tell our relatives all of this - no way.

So I see nothing of my siblings - and alas - their families - and it is not my choice. I am tired of their behaviour - and I am not about to put up with their behaviour and the pearls that have grown under my shell are the habit of non-argument and wisdom - and certain members of them are worth my time anymore

I sometimes feel sad about the time I spent away from my family of origin and how fractured my family is and know this is not my fault - it is something that has come down the generation and people are collateral damage. One person will strike out to hurt another totally unaware of how many other people are hurt in the process - and it is passed down because some self-righteous members of the family feel - wow - I had better continue the tradition of the elders

Which is stupid and hurts more people than the intended act - and it goes on and on. Blood is certainly thicker than water - and also stickier - but we can choose our friend - and whether or not we can be friends with our family members depends a lot on them

It can be lonely - I got pushed away all my life and far better it is now that this doesn't happen because my mother has finally gone. Still - the intensity of whatever the problem in my family was continues and I have no idea at all what it was about.

It's really hard to avoid the problem if you don't know what it is

Please forgive my Monday morning rant - I have been alone all weekend and I am comfortable about that - but feel the need to run off at the fingers

Dec

Hi @Former-Member

I am having my coffee now and had enough of it to know that your question is a bl^^dy good one - even for this early on a Monday morning

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@lapses wrote:

But made me think about the defenses we have, the barriers we put up to people, defences - that thing that were told to have toward people because its like unforgiveness - but can those defenses themselves actually be transformed into something beautiful?

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Ah - where does it say - or who said - that the defences wew put up to defend ourselves against what other people do and say are like unforgiveness - that to me is a unique idea - I have never heard of that before

So - I am waiting for this place to get warm enough to take off my dressing gown and the extra layers I went to bed in to have a shower - I can sit an work this one out

Let's start with forgiveness - what is that? Why do we need to do it?

Imo - we need to forgive for ourselves - not for the person we are forgiving - we do not need to cart someone else baggage around with us for the rest of our lives - ah sheesh - the relief I had when I drew a sketch of my mother having a huff to go off in - which is another story entirely - it turned into a steam engine with a lot of skips behind and all of these skips were full of junk - over-flowing - and I named the skips - grudges - bad Christmases - lost chances - unexamined truth - just the past - not going back into things - etc - and I loved that sketch and maybe I could do it again - but I forgave her - and she was still resentful - so add resentments to the picture - and jealousy I think - and co-dependency - and wow

When I let this go I was able to see my mother more clearly - how would anyone like to go around with all of that garbage - so it happened years ago now and I was free of her - and as for my sister - she's just the same - and I think my sister would hate it that she was forgiven

Anyway - side-tracking over

Just as we need to know some kind of physical self-defence measures - yes - we are women so we don't allow ourselves to be vulnerable where we don't have to be - we also set up emotional self-defence - and it's not having a smart retort or walking off in anger - it's more knowing inside ourselves that we don't have to enjoy or even tolerate other people's bad behaviour or language.

It's like taking a jacket if we go out on a day when the weather is likely to change - we don't need to forgive or resent the cold wind - pointless after all - that is natural - but we can defend ourselves against the weather and do all the time. That is not being unforgiving

Our defences are to protect us from what we know about other people - and rather than being unforgiving - it's more like understanding - what knight ever went into battle without his armour

After all - learning to survive intact gives us more time to know when we are defending ourselves against other people's nasty behaviour - and the people themselves - who are human after all -

And we are all sinners - we all deserve forgiveness - just as we deserve the right to defend ourselves

Does this answer the question? And yes - our defences can become something beautiful - we can become better people - more understanding - more tolerant perhaps of those who love to trample our best intentions - but most of all - we can forgive ourselves and learn to like ourselves and in time - love ourselves

Which is the aim I think

Dec

Wow, @Owlunar, you do analyse well. Must be that educated mind. There is a place for having defences I guess. Even ancient scripture says "above everything else, guard your hears because from it flows the springs of life" "make straight our path" "watch the company we seek" Its a respect thing - self respect! 💜

@Sahara, hows your sister? Have you been to visit your dad? How are you? I was thinking, could you organise a regular lunch out / girls time out with your sister? Maybe tell here you'd really like more quality time together without distractions. Would you like that? Sounds like you both could do with support at the moment. Hope I haven't overstepped. Just a thought. Take it slow. 🙂 🙏

Hi @Owlunar & @Former-Member,

thanks for continuing this discussion! So many interesting topic to think about....

I finally got to talk to my sister on the phone when she had no-one at home with her and no distractions. I think is is very unwell with anxiety.... she has a lot of physical symptoms and she worries about everything constantly. She even told her G.P. "I think I have anxiety" and she also burst into tears in the doctor's office. She burst into tears on the phone to me as well. Poor Sis!

It is a long story, but constant pressure at work (she is a workaholic), my Mum passing away and my Dad getting cancer has taken it's toll on her. There are also a few other things that have contributed.

I wanted to say that my sister is a very gentle soul with a lot of love to give. She is a kind-hearted person who would never willingly hurt anyone. She just blocks out all her emotions and has done so for at least 30 years. At times, I have been extremely frustrated with her, as she seems emotionally cold, even to me, her only sister. She has never actually done anything wrong, to harm our relationship or to disrupt our extended family. (Apart from failing to ever make any contact with me..... I seem to always be the one to initiate contact.) My sis has never acted with malice against anyone. In fact, on the surface of things, she has tried her best to always "do the right thing". She goes out of her way to be a "good girl".

My frustrations with her stem from her total obsession with work to the exclusion of almost everything else (she is married with kids) and her absence of any emotion on things that are (or should be) extremely emotional.... such as the event of our Mum passing. It is concerning that she is so out of contact with her feelings and suppresses everything so completely.

That is why I am in fact very shocked that this has now happened to her.... I thought she would go on suppressing every emotion for the rest of her life... I thought she would only become more and more devoted to her work (work which is not inspiring, believe me... it is a medium-level desk job) and basically 'disappear' from real life as we know it!

For her to want to see a psychologist to talk things over is extremely out of character. It means she must feel very, very unwell. I can't even imagine. I don't really know what to think of it. I told her to call me anytime..... I did not want to "scare her off" by telling her what I really thought was going on!

Yes, @Former-Member, I think a girls' weekend with my sis would be a great idea and I am thinking of suggesting it. I will wait until she has had her first psychologists appointment, though, to see how that goes first. I think this is a very important time for her. I really have no idea how she is going to handle it. x