Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hi @Sahara

It's very hard when our parents age and approach their end - I had very little to do with the whole process as my sister was given all the POAs and decisions and everything - my bro lives interstate and I was totally shut out of everything after Dad died - my sister was - still is - totally convinced that she has to control everything - and I let her - but I would love to tell her the sun will rise in the east if she is not there to make sure it happens -

So - even so - being primary carer because your brother and sister are not good at these things - ah - push them a bit - I found with my ex-h that he didn't do things properly because I would leave him alone about chores of all kinds - but alas for him - I pushed him - it was not a happy marriage

But your brother and sister can do some visiting etc - but some of the details it is better to manage yourself if your brother and sister are not willing - the financial issues etc - need a sound mind and someone who has the whole picture

I don't envy you though - and your dad can't make decisions either - this is really hard

I called it "Learned Helplessness" - and this is hard for you

I wish you all the best with your Ph.D - and yes - I guess someone is thoroughly with their paperwork which can't hurt.

I have to stop and elevate my foot for a while - I had minor surgery on my toenail last night - about a third of it was removed down to the root and it is starting to ache - so yes - time to watch TV or read with my foot in the other arm chair

Back later though

Dec

@Owlunar,

that made me laugh to myself when you asked did my Dad have dementia! Nooooo..... he is of sound mind... look, he may have a lttile bit of age-related memory loss, but that's all. It's his personality which bothers me a bit.... he seems incredibly capable when he is planning a camping trip and he has to pack a load off stuff to take. Then he will go hunting and camping and fishing by himself and manages to do everything himself...

But he will not take the initiative when it comes to calling up the doctor's surgery and making an appointment. He would rather sit and suffer in pain, for some reason. Which worries me. It makes me anxious thinking of him sitting there in pain, not moving from his chair.

He is with my sister today and I just spoke to her and he is fine. Luckily, both my brother-in-law and my sis-in-law had some extrememly strong pain-killers on hand themselves which they gave to him, to tide him over. His specialist has approved him to take this kind of drug, but unfortunately she hadn't given him a script for it. Bother.

Thanks for expalining everyhting about the 3rd little baby. That is good of you to go into detail about it over the internet... it's such a personal thing. As time goes on I feel more confident expressing things here on Sane, but I still do have some reservations. But lately I do see myself revealing more and more. (not that I think you have said anything wrong, by the way. It is good to hear your experiences.)

Oh yes, and with my counsellor saying to me "you are still waiting for someone to mother you." I wasn't offended by this comment- it actually rang true for me. Like, who would be there for me to demonstrate what it is to be a Mum? Even though representations of mothering are absolutely everywhere in society, they don't ring true to me. I saw my friends' mothering and they seemed unhappy. I saw my own mother unhappy. I put two and two together.

When that psychologist made the comment- I identified with it.

@Owlunar, I would love someone to look after me! But the hard reality is that I have to look after myself... and in spite of my reservations, I have apparently been doing a good job. Only it will never feel like a good enough job. It's like I have an internal angry mother that is out to get me.

What are you up to today @Owlunar? I am about to make pumkin soup!

I had another marathon sleep last night. I feel kind of down. It's all to do with my Dad, I think.... just knowing what is ahead, with him beginning to deteriorate.

I had better go and call him now, actually.

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Yes, it is hard to watch our parents decline, @Former-Member. Just knowing what is coming next. I dread it.... the whole process, although natural, is just so depressing for me.

I don't know what to think at the moment.

I'm sorry to hear that your family are bickering, or that you feel they will start getting quarrelsome. My family don't really do this, but I get easily frustrated with them, becuase I think they don't see all the probems my Dad has and they don't anticipate his needs. I feel like the bulk of his care is left to me.

I really feel like I could start actively seeking help with my anxiety again, going to the G.P, getting some calming medication, seeing a psychologist again, if I can. It might be worth a try to start doing all this now... to start off the process while Dad is only moderately sick, so at least I will have some support when he is very ill. It is worth thinking about.

Dream Analysis

I had a very odd dream! I keep dreaming about art and about art school. Sometimes I just dream about being back at high school. Weird.

Last night in my dreams, I had 3 of my paintings hanging in the National Gallery. It was a huge honor and I was very happy about it but also full of doubt. I kept thinking that my artwork might not stack up well against all the other works on display.... it was a large group exhibition. And yet, having 3 or my works there was certainly an endorsement. I might have only had one token artwork there, just to be included.

In my dream, I took a bath, right there, in the foyer of the gallery! It was a beautiful, tall, white bath tub- very shiny and clean. (Not like my bathroom at home, unfortunately. )

My husband then wheeled the bath tub, with me seated in the warm water, in towards the gallery doors! I was going to see my own art work at the National Gallery in the nude, in a bath!

In the dream, I saw my artwork, as though for the first time. It's odd that I didn't know what my own art would look like, since I was the one who made it. My paintings were very dark and brooding, but quite good- inventive, I would say. They reminded me of the work of one of my favorite artists.... there was something both sad and beautiful about them, at the same time.

I thought (in the dream) "Alright... these are quite good, but maybe I should be doing better." I didn't have a lot of confidence.

Then I was concerned that I hadn't received a special invitation to the exhibition or anything like that. I was just another member of the public, going to see a show!

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I think the dream means that I am in two minds about my artwork. Yes, I think it is good enough for pubic endorsement but I also think it could be better and I am not satisfied with it. Just thinking about this makes me anxious, really. I had a bit of anxiety before I went to bed last night.

I know that in dreams, water represents emotions. So having the bath symbolizes me emerging in emotion... which is what art is all about (for me.) I think it's good that it was a clean white bath. There's something there about purity. Purity of expression?

In dreams, being naked in public is a sign of vulnerability. I feel vulnerable having my art on public display.

My husband literally 'pushing' me towards my art is telling. He does actually aways say to me 'what do you really want to do?' He might get the impression that I lack direction- which I believe is true. I do lack direction and I spend half my life saying "all I want to do is relax and not have to be bothered with anything." A result of suffering from anxiety and getting exhausted by things easily.

Thanks @Former-Member and @Faith-and-Hope.

It was a strange dream, but it was mostly enjoyable. So interesting.

Just having a pretty relaxing day today and trying to cope with the cold. I went for a long bike ride to warm up. Contemplating making some dinner and calling my Dad again.

I had some good news on the 'Dad' front. My sis and my bro are really stepping up and helping with his care! This is amazing news. It shows that I did the right thing in stepping back a little.

My sis did seem annoyed that she had to take 2 hours out of her day in order to help Dad. Well? It's what we do.

I said that I would probably end up giving up my work to go over there and stay with him several days per week.... then my sis said that I shouldn't do it because it will make my anxiety symptoms even worse. Wow, that is very considerate of her. It shows she does actually think of other people. It really is amazing that she is on board with all this.

The fact is, I will probably have to be the one to look after Dad.

I had an anxious dream last night where I had to find the a key to open a lock to get to a shower. I was half in the nude, wearing a dinner jacket and nothing else! I couldn't find the right key.

Then I dreamed that I was putting together the perfect table for Christmas. My family were there and we were singing a carol in harmony. Strange, since I really don't like Christmas and I can't sing.