Not in a good place right now.

I don't know if something is amiss with my MH team or everybody gets the same treatment. They seem to think that just because I've managed to stay alive this long that I'll continue to do so until some natural cause intervenes.

I've had the "Stones" going all evening and doing a bit of dancing trying to lift my spirits, but I'm tempted to down a bottle of spirits instead, but I won't

Oh yes LJ. Once I light that fire for the winter, it only goes out if I'm away too long to keep it going. It's burning a treat and is nice and warm. It's supposed to get down to 1 or 2 degrees tonight, so I'll be up around 5am to toss a bit more wood on. It keeps the entire house warm, but it is only a modest little two bedroom house anyway.

Shoulder isn't too bad right now thanks, but it tends to come and go. I'll phone my GP tomorrow and get his opinion. I'm also going to speak to him about how I just can't shake this depression. My emotions can be all over the place at the drop of a hat, but this is going on way too long.

Ellie.

Sounds really nice. I'm struggling to keep the house warm here, but the main room is ok so its ok. I'm glad you are going to reach out to your GP tomorrow and that you can see that things havent been great for a bit too long now. Its fantastic that you have that level of self awareness. I hope that things get better for you soon.

LJ

Hiya,

Must admit I only read your first and last post and I'm so happy youre still here. MHS suck. I am a psych nurse in the public system and yes it boils down to money.

I am also a psych nurse with clinical depression, PTSD, anxiety disorder - controlled by medication. I posted here last week that after 6 years I finally got a job - which lifts your mood and confidence so much. Today I was given the boot because I made a computer error. Sorry, but people make mistakes - if we didn't we wouldn't learn.

And like you - at my darkest times I think there is always someone worse off. I'm not sleeping in a park - I had a bed and I have bread and vegimite !!!!!!!!!

I also understand about people saying you're doing this/that/etc for attention - nup - that's not right. Whatever you are going through - it is YOUR experience. No one has a right to judge or say "I know how you feel" - I hate that statement. No one knows how you feel except you. Each of us react to situations differently - I was hit by a car - hence the PTSD - the sound of screaching brakes on a car sned me into a panic - thats the way I FEEL - most other people say 'wait for the bang' . It's hard to reach out to people - I don't like to ask for help because, as yourself, I feel there are people worse off but if I'm not well, I can't care for the people I love so I've realised I do need to care for myself.

Yes, I lost my job and I'm giving myself permission tonight to cry and curl up and not talk but tomorrow I will begin a new day.

Take care Ellie

Dear @Tay

I'm SO sorry to hear about you losing your job. That sucks too. It is so horrible that so many people have such terrible experiences of MH services - both from the client and employee perspectives. What is wrong with them? This is not rocket science anymore - there is SO much research out there on better ways to approach this. Is it run by dinosaurs in suits, or lab coats? I wonder sometimes.

It's good you're giving yourself permission to cry. That sort of thing hurts like hell.

BTW I have PTSD too, childhood "stuff" mostly. But whenever something happens which is potentially traumatising I have to work incredibly hard on it so it doesn't become a new trigger. Last year I wrote my car off on a bit of road I have to drive along at least a couple of times every week. It tool a few days before I could leave the house and another few days before I could drive beyond the next town, and so on. I really don't know how I would have coped if it had happened a couple of years ago before I learned some mindfulness strategies. I won't sat "I understand" because I agree that can be really awful - especially when everything else the person says makes it clear they have no idea, but I have an inkling of why the screech of brakes is incredibly triggering for your PTSD.

Keep on taking care of you. You're doing well.

Hope for some empathy endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

Tay, I'm so, so sorry about your job. How horrible. That's just so unfair. Is there anything your union can do for you, or would you prefer not to go down that path? I know how I am. I'd scream at them to stick their job where the sun don't shine and never go near the place again.

Strangely enough, they don't seem to be able to get enough MH nurses in the public system where I work. I must say, unless it's a matter of privacy, they're a very forgiving mob to work for. Mind you, when I had a little meltdown at work late last year, I was called into the office where I was confronted by not only my unit manager, but her superior as well as the HR manager. If they called in HR, my guess it was a butt covering exercise and they were using his judgement to make sure they didn't have a loose cannon on deck. They told me they'd support me because "that the business they're in!" Still, I have to wonder what will happen next time.

By the time you read this, your new day will be here and probably mostly over, but your story really touched a cord in me, possibly because I realise how easy I could go the same way, however I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you can get another position quickly.

Wishing you all the best Tay,

Ellie.

My dearest Anne. I'll never tire about hearing your life's stories. It's nice to know we're not alone in this big old world.

Your suggestion of Tay going part time is a good one. I've cut right back to just 4 or 6 shifts a month now and loving the time I'm having to myself. Unfortunately, at the moment I'm not putting it to good use because I'm not feeling well, but hopefully that will turn around soon. I'm also finding with part time work, although I know most of the job, being there so infrequently seems to spur others into helping you out more. I try not to let them because it would be easy to take advantage of the situation, but until this shoulder injury has fully healed, there's no way I'm going to be doing any heavy stuff.

It's not uncommon that someone with (trying to say this nicely) err, "problems" does a psychotherapy course. It's a well recited observation that a huge percentage of psychiatrists only go on to study psychiatry in an attempt to find a fix for their own shattered egos. In my case, becoming a nurse at 48 years of age wasn't an attempt to "fix" any part of me. It was simply more of the same stuff I'd been doing most of my life......... the chameleon affect where BPD's change, sometimes dramatically, to fit an entirely new situation. I had a friend at the time who was a nurse working in rehab and I instantly fell in love with being a nurse working in rehab. When I finally got there, I hated the staff and wondered what I was going to do. Going back to the factory I'd come from seemed like a good idea, but suddenly the psych unit where I did my psych placement began ringing to see if I'd work some casual shifts. I got more and more shifts, including at other MH units and suddenly I was doing the courses to become a MH nurse. So my career wasn't entirely intentional. It was just, as it's been explained to me by a therapist, simply another attempt to find "me" when I have absolutely no idea who I am. Perhaps that's why I'm feeling the job has run it's course. Time to be something else again!

Hiya Ellie,

They're not enough nurses in the mental health sector because of the stigma - one of the reason I chose that area to work in because it is so misunderstood but at the same time so common.

Years ago I was in a that car accident? I think I did mention it - sorry - still a bit teary today - but it ended up in court. One of my witnesses was my mentor in my grad year - I was 40 - he told the judge and jury that he was so excited that a mature aged person (spose that's anyone onver 21 !!!) wanted to work in psych. He said that mental health nursing is considered the dirtiest of nursing - not many people want to do it. He's passionate about psych nursing and he's right - we are frowned upon - pfft your not a real nurse you work in psych !!!!!!!

Well, as a psych nurse, apart from the obvious stuff, doing obs, taking bloods etc - we have empathy, we know the medications - the side effects - the doctors I worked with always asked me what medication to prescribe !!!!!! Hello - you're the doctor. I would however speak to my clients - no matter what they come first and they are the only ones - the ONLY ONES who know how the medication is making them feel. I have no right to say - oh thats normal etc - if it distresses my patient it distresses me.

I'm babbling again - like I said still teary about the job loss. Getting a job after so many years gave me great confidence - but being told I made a mistake and was sacked? I asked the boss for feedback the week before - she could've told me but chose not to.

One more thing - this weather - wouldn't surprise me if most of us are experiencing SAD - which is another recognised illness - Seasonal Anxiety Disorder. Bring on the SUN !!!!!!!

Tay xx

Hi Tay.

You've got a good reason to be upset. I'd be devastated at what's happened to you! And yes. You did mention the car accident.

You know, you're so right about the clients being the ones who know how the prescribed medication makes them feel. All the doctors want is a quick fix and to see the client out the door ASAP and hopefully never to return. My usual unit (I work in another one for younger people now and then) is a geriatric unit specialising in ECT for people over 65. I've worked there for 11 years and it's become a real revolving door for some of these people. They don't have a lot of say in the matter because even with the new mental health act, their choices for treatment can be over-riden by the Mental Health Review Board. I've made an advanced statement, but it scares me that I'm only a few years away from becoming a victim of my own unit. It's ok if I work there and go off the rails. They'd send me to another town so I wouldn't be treated by my own colleagues (how embarrassing) but I've been told once I leave the service, that will no longer happen. Scary stuff!!

As for the weather, you may be right although I don't mind the cooler months with this big wood fire cranked up. It's a wonder the entire thing doesn't melt 🙂 At least the weekend is supposed to be good, at least in Victoria.

I wish I could say something that makes you feel better Tay, but I doubt anything will right now. It seems like your boss wasn't a very nice type. I'm a little more fortunate in who I work with. They all know of my condition and totally ignore that I've been diagnosed. Sometimes they ignore it too much, but that's a different story for another day.

I can only hope you get over the shock of loosing your job this way quickly. What a dreadful thing to have happen.

Ellie.