Not in a good place right now.

What? No chocolate?? I always take 4 squares of good quality dark chocolate to bed with me every night. Sometimes I "pinch" a couple through the day, but I'm fairly disciplined

I don't think a few bits of dark chocolate would hurt you. If you go spare and eat the lot in one go, then simply don't buy any more.

Thanks so much Tay for your kind words and insight.

I do have to go back to see the Psychiatrist once again. Not sure what that's all about, but my case manager said it would be best for me if I went, so I will. I will see my case manager at the same time, but it's only to sign off on my treatment plan, then that will be that unless I present again to the service.

I do have my MHCP going at the moment. I'm seeing a new psychologist, but not sure how it will work out. I think she's going to prove to be a bit too soft and I've actually told her she'll have to be hard on me or I'll walk all over her. She seemed surprised by that. I think I give the outward appearance of a shy little mouse, but underneath there's a lion that can roar!

Who decided I don't need help any more? Good question. It certainly wasn't me. It seems "they" (the team or whoever) thinks I'm doing just fine on my own. In reality I think they see me as an attention seeker, manipulative and possibly a liar who exaggerates my symptoms.

Lately, I must confess to having given up. I'm only eating enough to stay alive and barely that at times. I'm simply not hungry. I'm feeling depressed and extremely lonely apart from all you beautiful people on here. I've spent most of the day just lying in front of the fire with a pillow under my head. Not sleeping, for I can't sleep either. I want to self harm, but have so far avoided that.

Anyway, I have some soup heating on the top of the wood heater and I'll have a small amount of it when it's ready, so at least I'm taking something in.

It seem unusual to find another psych nurse on here that also has their fair share of issues. I wish you all the very best in finding a resolution to your afflictions. It's not easy!

Ellie.

Hi @Ellie

It's so sad to read what you're going through at the moment.

Good for you being so honest & open with your psychologist about what you need her to be. It can be really hard for people to articulate exactly what support they need and just give up. I really hope she has that toughness that you're after.

When are you going to see the psychiatrist?

It seems like you have a very honest relationship with your new psychologist and hopefull with your case manager and psychatrist too - have you told them that you have given up? You don't deserve to go through these feelings along.

You have shown such strength not self harming - what strategies do you use to maintain this?

If the urges increase over night, please remember services such as Lifeline chat or give them a call on 13 11 14

Thank you NikNik.

I had a phone call from a friend tonight which cheered me up a little. A small cup of chicken soup helped too, although it was supposed to have two cups of milk in it and I used water, so it tasted a little acidic.

As for my psychiatrist, she's only what the MHS provides and is fairly brief with her interventions. We really don't discuss anything at all. I've been with my case manager since late last year now, but I don't feel she's really listening. It's all about push people out the door and get the people in who REALLY need the service. I really think if you're branded with a personality disorder, then there's no room at the inn!

Not self harming tonight was simply the luck of the draw. My friend rang at exactly the right moment and as I said, brightened me up a bit. That's all that was in it. I won't go into details, not that we're allowed to anyway, but by self harming, I'm not talking about ending it all. It's just a means of releasing the stress.

Thanks for your concerns and if I really need to, then yes. I'll give Lifeline a call.

Ellie.

Awww. Thank you for your words of support Anne. I hope you don't mind me using your name as it's much easier than typing out your Online handle

I missed your post last night as I usually try to get off the computer by 8.30 so I can watch the old BBC crime shows on 7two such as Inspector Morse, Endeavour, A Touch of Frost etc. Only the British can do crime drama properly, although last week the pathologist said a person had fragments of poplar bark in his head wound which I thought would have been highly unlikely since he was wearing a thick tractor cap when conked on the head. Hmmm!

I got my shoulder x-rayed this morning plus and ultra sound done on it. I tripped and hurt it badly last Friday week. It was a race to see whether my health care card would turn up so I could go private, but bulk billed, or wait it out with the public system until next Friday. The card came yesterday, so I'm not long back from having it all done. No results yet, but it's still very sore to move. I haven't worked since late last month and I'm not due to work again until the 24th. Hopefully by then it will be better, but I have a feeling this one is going to stick around forever. Then I got a script filled and headed home to the wood fire where it's nice and worm. I got soaked this morning.........and it's supposed to hail and snow up my way overnight

As for us having different issues, yes, there are approximately 256 different variations in BPD so that if you put two people suffering borderline personality disorder in the same room, the chances of them having the exact same features of the disorder would be greater than winning tattslotto.

I'm not feeling too bad today, but am really tired from having to get up a bit earlier than I'm used to, so I'm going to go have a doze by the fire.

Hope you are well and thanks for your concern. It does life my spirits.

Ellie.

oh no, that is not good about your shoulder. And things always seem to hurt more in the cold. Hope you are cozy and warm in front of the fire tonight! Hopefully you get good news about the injury and it heals quickly without needing too much help!

I agree with each persons symptoms of MI in general being unique to the individual person. Unfortunately too many 'professionals' need to have a box to put us in to treat 😞 frustrating!

LJ