Safety

i am not sure i am getting really scared again

Are you able to have your shower yet @Eden1919?

not yet but hopefully soon

Try to have a shower soon @Eden1919 - that usually helps you to relax a little. Then listen to some of your favoutirt calming music - concentrate on the rhythm and beat and adjust your breathing to it - kind of become 'one' with the music and let yourself become immersed in it to ease your thoughts. See how that goes buddy (may not work but maybe worth a try)

I saw my new caseworker she metioned hospital a few times and I had to agree to call her if I was not able to cope she wants to see me again in a few days. I am exhausted but I cant sleep. I really dont feel good I am about to cry and I just feel so lost I have been trying so hard to make this work. i dont know what to do.

Hi @Eden1919 and @Zoe7

I am glad to hear that you had an appointment with your caseworker and have a plan to call her if you feel as though your not able to cope.

It is more than okay to cry, it can really be helpful in terms of letting out your emotions and releasing some endorphins...I'm a fan of crying when you need to..no shame in doing so around here

In terms of feeling lost..is this something you want to chat about? It is hard when you feel like you dont know what to do.

We are here for you

Hi @Former-Member

I feel lost because I dont know what to do I a torn in different drections and I dont know where to go. I made a promise but I dont know if I can keep it. I was trying so so so hard. but I have already ruined everything. it hurts so so deeply and I feel like I am going to snap at any moment like even the slightest breeze would break me. blow me over and shatter me into a million pieces I am supposed to talk to people but in the end what does that really do other than worry them. I feel conflicted and confused I thought I had everything planed but now there is a sense of urgency that was not there before like the plan must go ahead now not later like i thought. i dont know why this is but the feeling is strong something is pulling at me and dragging me down with them no body understands truly they cant they arent inside my head and i cant explain it properly to them not in a way so they could really know it insde and out. the doctors will just want me to go back on my meds but meds dont help not with this sort of problem anyway. they all say there is hope but i dont see it i dont feel it. I want to go back even though they said i was sick then at least I was happy and everything made sense then. i knew where i was going and what to do then now i just feel hopeless and lost. they dont know what it wants the thing inside me i do but i cant let it have it although maybe it already does. the thing inside me is trying to hurt me it has been for a while and i think it is starting to succeed i am not me anymore i havent been for a long time i am turning into it slowly but surely the thing inside is winning. i tried i really did i fouhgt hard but how am i to win when the game is rigged. i want to scream but no one would hear me no one ever does i just want to hide but there is no where to hide from it. i dont know what to do my soul is lost.

Hi @Eden1919

A lot is swirling around your mind at the moment - I can see why you feel conflicted and confused.

It seems like there's important stuff you're not sharing with your support team. The more honest you can be with them, the more you will be helping yourself. I know it seems hard to describe what's going on for you - and it sounds like you have really tried - but keep on trying. Even if it's writing things down and giving it to them.

You mentioned the Drs said there is hope. While you may not feel it, keep in mind they have worked with many people in similar situations and it's likely this hope they have comes from seeing others get through similar things you're going through.

You don't have to fight this alone. We are here and it's also exactly what your support team is here to do - be in your corner and help you through this.

Nik

@NikNik I just dont know what to do anymore i am not coping well at all but I feel like there arent many options left I just feel hopeless and tired and all I want to do is cry but i cant and everything hurts so so deeply inside like someone is burning my inside deep down yes there are things I am not telling them but I cant tell them or they will try to stop me and i cant have that not right now it will do too much damage. i have balanced everything so delicately but i can feel everything tipping slowly but it is getting faster and faster and ugh i want to scream everyone keeps saying to call or contact them when it is too much but when is it too much like how do you know when you have reached a certain level of tourture that it is then acceptable to make contact. and will that contact even be helpful or will they just tell you the same old same old. are the only real options that include living here either hospital or distractions because that doesnt really sound very good to me neither are actually helpful not now it feels past that point. things are all swirly mixing and melting into a pot of toxic acid but soon enough the pot will disolve and the acid will start to consume everything in its path. I could try writing more but that has only made the bad things clearer. everything feels so intense so vivid so dark at the same time and yet my head is a muddle there seems to be only one clear thing that seems to make sense left i cant explain it. I dont know what to do

Hi @Eden1919 Thanks for writing back to me.

You mentioned that you find it hard to explain what's going on in your mind - but what you have written right there is actually really helpful to assist in understanding - and I'm sure it will be really helpful for your team to see that too.

I can see how conflicted you are - it seems like you feel like things are getting worse, but you're not sure how and when to contact your case worker / support team.

Mental illness has this horrible way of telling our minds that getting help won't do anything and telling us there's no options. I worry that this is what's happening for you at the moment.

I'm going to drop you an email to check in on you.

Stay safe,

Nik