Safety

I just G and S wanted me to do something on saturday and then again on sunday and again now today they are super mad at me because i keep failing and i should have just done it but i had to get something and i couldnt afford it so now the plan is ruined and i have to save up for it but now i dont know wat to do they dont want me to go to DBT becuase like for a punishment for failing so now i dont know what to do becuse the whole reason i am still alive is to go to that course so i might as well just not be here which is exactly how it was meant to be only i screwed up and now they are going to hurt me and my psychologist said to act as if none of this was real but i cant do that because it is real and i cant just let them hurt everyone i love because i am a useless human being. and now i have yet again ruined everything and i am trying so hard but i cant make everyone happy and i just ugh i want to scream and i dont know what to do.

firstly @Eden1919 you are not useless - you are conflicted and confused - and that is ok! Secondly - what is real for you and what is real for me (or anyone else) is so when it is constantly taking up 'space' in our minds - you can't ignore what is all consuming - you need to find ways to manage it (I haven't been very successful at this one yet either lol).

There is no more anyone can ask of you but to try - and you are doing that. Some days seem worse than others and some you just get through minute by minute and hour by hour. I have no doubt that you are still not sleeping and you know you can take my word with it on how much that affects your mood, paranoia and general well-being. What we hace trouble dealing with when we are 'well' and rested seem next to impossible when we are sleep deprived and exhausted.

Keep writing - still listening...

Zoe

i dont know what is worng with me why cant i just make things work why is everything so hard and ugh i cant do this i really cant and i just i it hurts too much and i have no other options either i end it all or G and S end it for me or i go to the hospital and they end it for me there the only option is to be gone forever any path i take ends with me being gone there are no other options it is just how it happens that is my choice so i said i would rather do it myself and ugh i cant this is too hard maybe i should just let G and S do it but then they wont get the souls and i will have yet again ruined everything and ugh i cant do this i just i cant make it all stop.

@Eden1919 so it seems that wherever you turn you cannot see any of the options as positive - but the one positive I can see is that you are trying to find a way around all the 'noises' and conflicting talk - that is bigger than you realise - that means that inside you there is hope.

You don't need to make it ALL STOP - you just need to break it down into smaller, more manageable chunks so your mind is not 'flooded' with 'noise'. Take each part of this 'muddle' and look at what is being said separately.

...and I will listen buddy

I dont feel in control of myself and i dont have any appointments until the end of the week and they dont understand i cant ugh they keep asking me to keep fighting but they dont understand that there is a time limit on this i have to be gone before i certain date i have to or everything will be destroyed and ugh i cant even say on here and there is too much in my head and i just have to hurry up.

You don't need to hurry right this minute @Eden1919 - take a breathe then continue to write

yes i do @Zoe7 the date is soon

whatever the date @Eden1919 it is not this very minute or the next - so take it minute by minute for now

I just i need to get something and i tried i did but ugh i cant i dont know what to do.

@Zoe7 can i ask why um well do you believe me? i just i dont know who to tust anymore it is just my psychologist said i did not look "well" the last time i saw him which makes me wonder if he even believes me if he doesnt then i cant trust him but do you believe me or do you think i am "unwell" please be honest.