Not coping with life - may trigger

I've decided to go to bed early tonight. I feel exhausted physically and emotionally. Take care everyone.

Really struggling tonight. The littlest of things are making me feel so sad. I guess it is because of the whole Mother's Day thing (not having a Mum and also being estranged from my family). It hurts sometimes, it really does. I've noticed I've been comsuming a lot more alcohol than I used to of recent times. I used to be an alcoholic a decade ago as a form of self medicating before I was properly diagnosed and treatment began for my mental health issues. I guess even though I am now in treatment for MH stuff, I am resorting to self medicating again just to get through the days. Sometimes I think I could make a phone call and score drugs again too, that "it's not that hard to do"... but then I remember the mess I was back then. I don't want to return to that.

Things are going so fast paced at the moment that all I want to do is sleep. I am a month away from my ceremony and every day there are more parcels with things arriving for it. The underneath of the house is being transformed into a function venue, it is all going too fast for me at the moment.

I've got to 'snap outta it' soon or I risk failure of yet another loving relationship. If I fail at this, I lose everything all over again.

I don't know @Kurra what single fear is my biggest. Rather, I have a lot of large fears which accumulate into paranoia at the moment.

I want things to go smoothly for once. My ceremony, my relationship, I'd like to be able to give up the grog or at least be able to drink in moderation (I guess though for a former alcoholic, that will never happen). I want not to be estranged from my family. Once upon a time I would've thought it 'cool' to be a lone wolf, not to be 'held back' by family. But in reality I want nothing more than to hear my father tell me he loves me. I have no mother, no brother (they both are dead and died when I was young). Just my Dad and now he lives with his new family and I am on the outer whether I like it or not.

I also, at present, fear I am losing control again. I feel like I'm on the edge of a giant precipice and there are cracks forming as it crumbles away. I'm frightened that all I have now, however meagre, could all be taken from me in an instant.

I had a couple session with my gf's therapist today and she suggested writing my Mum a letter and placing it at her gravesite. I don't know exactly what to put in it though. All the hurt I feel with her being gone? Should I tell her how I feel about my Dad marrying her sister, who then abused me emotionally? I'd like to think wherever she is now, she already knows that. She sees me cry, she sees me struggle to function as a normal adult.

Tonight I watched an old video of my past and there she was amongst everyone, my Mum circa 1985, feisty as always. Made me sad 😞

Feeling so depressed today. I did a depression survey for my doctor yesterday and I am back in the abnormal range again. Added to this, I see in the news in my state as a top story, a woman with schizophrenia who slayed her children is deemed not fit to stand trial. People are saying all sorts of horrible things about it on social media, including euthansing people with this illness. Don't people understand that those living with serious mental health issues are much more likely to be the victims of crime than the perpetrator? The reason I'm so upset, is because these negative viewpoints are among some of the comments made to me by my own family. My Dad got a high tech security system installed in his home when I was diagnosed with schizophrenia because "he didn't want me to hurt him in his sleep". Other family members have distanced themselves so much that I never know what is going on in the family anymore.

It just breaks my heart. "They" (my family) can deal with the bipolar part of my illness, but not the schizophrenia part. I'm still the same person I always was, only now I'm heartbroken. Now this news story has broken in the media, I have to prepare for a backlash that I know will be coming. Sometimes I think and wish I had of been successful in one of my attempts to die. I'm not suicidal now, so please don't think I am. I am just over living my life.