Son (22) with schizophrenia

hello @Grasshopper3

Oh I sensed something was up.

That would have been such an upheaval for you both having your ex husband, your son's dad with you.

A tremendous shock to hear those words from your son.

Know this, Matosh, those words have nothing to do with anything that you have done or said. They are about your son trying to deal with the emotions of father son bond, that would feel so strange & overpowering to him. Remembering perhaps, his feelings when he was left on the block of land. You just have no way of knowing.

The fact that he said hospital, as awful as this might sound, is a good reaction. He is taking responsibility for his own health. He is looking after himself, recognising signs of needing professional help. This is huge. This also shows how much he loves you, he doesnt want you to be burdened.

Don't worry about the bottle of wine and crying in front of him. He would have seen you showing your emotions nothing bad about that at all. Also that you are not invincible, you have feelings too. Not sure how much of this they are able to sense, from what I have read it differs with each person. He needs help and is receiving so much from you ongoing.

How you were able to have his dad stay at your house is beyond words.

You put your son first all of the time. He will wake up and probably either act as if nothing has happened or come out with some profound statement.

He is so much in touch with his schizophrenia which is going to benefit his ongoing health in years to come. Some of this is his own strength some is down to the ongoing beautiful relationship you have with him. You will never lose that.

Have a good cry but know that nothing has been undone between yourself and your son. You both share a wonderful strong bond. xxx

please keep writing or if you cant just a quick "i am here just not up to any more today" or something along those lines.

you have given so much to me I have gained so much from reading your stories. I feel as though I know both of you. You have both come to mean so much to me. Sorry dont mean to upset you, I just care so much about you both. Just send me a wave when you can xxxxxx

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@Matosh wrote:
... he said he wanted to go back to hospital.

Hi @Grasshopper3

"Thought bubbles"... that's what I call it. Ideas suddenly appear and sometimes get vocalised. I used to react immediately and it caused so much anxiety. Have gradually learned to slow my response and see what happens.

A few weeks ago, I had a most confusing conversation with my son where the topic kept randomly changing. He later told me his thinking is like that all the time but he doesn't usually say anything out loud.

hello @patientpatient

I respect that your reply was to help Matosh.

I just wanted to thank you because you have helped myself and probably others now or in the future.

Every little bit of information that I can gleam is priceless.

Thank you xx

@Former-Member@patientpatient@Former-Member@Former-Member@Shaz51

thank you ladies! I felt the Sane Friends vibes whilst trying to coach my sons paranoia. His dad's 2 day visit triggered a slight relapse.

He now thinks we are not his real parents and he has known for a long time I am not his mum. I said to him, thank you for telling me this.

He said later yeah sorry I said that, just before I went to bed. I am glad you told me, and I gave him a big hug.

Phew what a rollercoaster ride we are having.

If you feel up to it, read the events from last few days:

Ex husband rings as arrived back from Phillipines. Our son invites him over (after asking me if it was ok)

We havent seen him since August last year. He was going initially for 2 weeks. Left his son stranded on a block of land in the bush, no transport, no money just bought him few cans of baked beans and tuna.

Ended my relationship, and bought villa (see prev. notes) Son and I moved in together in Feb. this year.

It was just too much driving back and forward with me working full time and it was 90 mins up and 90 mins back.

Anyways, he rocks up at our new place, and son shows him around in our new house. He likes it and says I done well.

He then starts telling me about the Phillipines, how he lives there like a King, has built a mansion, has a car and bought few motor bikes for his girlfriend, who loves to wash him, cooks every 4 hrs for him and cleans his nails for him.

He smirks and says the girls there start pumping kids out when they are 12, 13 yrs old and by time they are 18 they have 3 kids already blah blah blah and shows me photos on his mobile of his life over there.. I had a feeling he was ignoring our son as he was telling me story almost with his back towards our son.

I gave him phone no. of our daughter in QLD and he said he'll ring her later. Also give him his brothers phone no. in Melbourne.

I quickly text our daughter in QLD but she said I dont have much to say to him, but if he wants to ring me, its ok. He never did.

When he left I said to son, how did you think that went? He said I dunno, I dont know what to say to him. Plus he was talking to you most of the time anyway. He said he came here for his car not for me?

The next day, after work, son and I drove the 90 mins to the bush block with our camping gear. I had asked our son if he would like that, and I said you will see he is here for you too. (I thought I will stay in background) So we bought BBQ chicken and salad and some wraps. The ex starts to talk about how they eat dogs there and he watches the head being cooked and we couldnt eat after that. He talked about how he loved living there and how they just had chickens running around and you just pick the one that walks into your hut. None of us ate. I said to son from now on we will be vegetarian :{

I had mentioned to him to include son a bit, as son felt deserted as he keeps leaving him behind. He said he doesnt know what to say to him. He is too sensitive and he doesnt want to upset him. ok then.

Son didnt sleep again (2nd nite) and was exhausted as you can imagine. I didnt sleep well either, my tent copped a bit of rain but I stayed relatively dry.

We packed up as son wanted to go home in morning and we left, dropping dad off at airport on the way. So this is when son said I want to go to hospital. I can hear the birds through dad and my mind is seeing weird things.

I said you are tired, we will drop your dad off and go home first for a nap. He still hadnt eaten anything, nor his dad (his dad will eat only when hungry, he can go without food for 2/3 days, just smoking and drinking coffees)

At airport I got out of my car and said to ex I really wish you had spent some time with him, he was hoping you take him fishing today. He said but he was too tired and wanted to go home, you gonna have a lot of trouble with him! Thanks mate, I said I will NEVER desert him EVER!

He said hes not deserting him, next time he will be back with girlfriend to show her Australia. GREAT! lol

So son and I drove home, son tried to sleep but was still up well after 12PM so I said you MUST eat something, he had headache so gave him some painkillers as well.

Then I heard him finally snore around 2PM after being awake for probably 50 hrs. I was tippytoeing around the whole morning and decided to wake him up at 1:30pm.

So this afternoon we went for a walk, but he is not very talkative. If asked a question he answers, I dunno.

He says he feels exhausted. Doesnt want to go hospital, doesnt feel suicidal. Just look at me weary and drops his head down between his shoulders again. Says he thinks retarded.

I said I feel the need to ring someone. He said I dont want to talk. I said I do. So rang Lifeline and lovely Emma talked to me. I said to her I have you on speaker phone and she tapped into it straight away. I said his name and she started slowly talking to him, until he started to respond a bit. I told her about his dad just visited us and he was feeling very low. Also told her he suffers from paranoid SZ but he takes a depot shot every month. I really dont know if I had to tell her that but I think better be out in the open with it in case he starts to talk strangly.

We went for walk again, but he has just changed in last few days, I can see it in his eyes. I asked him if it was ok to touch him, I still love him and I will always be there for him. He said yeah and I looped my arm into his.

Then at home he says he really feels retarded and that he has always known we are not his mum and dad. First I said do you want to show some photos from when you were a baby, but I thought it wont make any difference. It felt like I was in the lounge with a stranger. I just kept quiet and turned on a podcast, short Australian stories to listen to.

Then when I said, Im going to bed, he said sorry mum, about what I said. He knows! How clever is he!

I said thank you for that. I know it was your mind talking, not you....

Going to try to get some sleep, I hope tomorrow is a better day. I hope he goes to bed soon and gets some more rest. I washed his bedsheets today so he has clean bedlinen, that could work?

Thanks for reading my story, I hope to read more of yours in next few days when dust has settled here.

PS stayed of wine today ehehe

Take care of you,

@Former-Member@Former-Member@patientpatient@Shaz51@Former-Member

When trying to get a conversation going, which is not easy he just sits there with his head down between his shoulders, I have asked him questions like: can I talk to you? yeah. Can I ring someone? no. (I did anyway as I had to talk...) How do you feel? I dunno. What would you like to do? I dunno. Can I make you something, cuppa, or sandwhich or anything? nah. Shall we go for a drive, watch sunset, first nah, then when it nearly dark, lets go for a drive to see the sunset...

Emma from Lifeline, got out of him he likes listening. That's why I turned Podcasts on: Emma suggested ABC radio National, I ended up with Tall Tales & True, fantastic stories to listen to.

I laughed a few times, and looked at him, he glared back at me and said he wasnt listening....

I asked him if we did the right thing seeing dad again. He doesnt know. I asked how we can do things better, he doesnt know.

He told me in past dad is very much like me mum, I have his DNA. I said you are better then that, you have MY DNA too 🙂 The reason I keep in touch with him, he is the father of my children and I can't take that away from them. On and Off we havent seen him for years, now and again he shows up, always engaged to someone new.

I told our son, if he wants to meet up with his dad next time, maybe just at some coffee shop for an hour or so and if he wants me to be there, I sit at another table? he doesnt know.

Emma from Lifeline told us to look up the Gary Chapman theory about the five love languages.

Words of affirmation, Quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch. Interesting stuff.

I feel so sorry for my son. He told me after his dads visit at our new house, I dunno what to say to him.

I eat, I shit, I sleep and I smoke, that's my life.... yeah I said but you have options, and choices? What do you want to do about it? I dunno.

Frustrated much? I felt sick to my stomach when, just after our walk, we just got back, and he said I'm just going for a smoke and a walk by myself. I was quickly putting my shoes back on, I was going to follow him, I didnt want him to throw himself under a train or car....Panic Panic Panic. Then I took a deep breath and said let him go.... then I tried to think what he was wearing and timing him and.... ohhh then he came back, looked at me at sat down again. Phew.

to be continued.

@Grasshopper3

In regards to conversations and questions. I think there's so much chatter happening in the brain that making decisions, even simple decisions, is very difficult. When my son was really sick, I was questioning him alot trying to figure out what to do, what he wants, etc... and he was really incapable of deciding. He couldn't even figure out what socks to wear and still, years later, checks with me about which shoes or which coat to wear. So many conversations are based on questions. I can't remember if you've mentioned before but a good psychologist could be very helpful for your son. My son sees a clinical psychologist who has lots of experience with Sz and OCD and he's very positive about the appointments.

@Former-Member

The current very high dose of anti-depressants (administered in the morning) seem to be making my son very sleepy during the day. Then again it could be due to the nightly dose of extended release anti-psychotics. Or due to an interaction between the two, or an interaction with excessive amounts of caffeine or with some of the natural medicine supplements he takes. Or he might be just tired in the afternoons because we're approaching winter and there's less daylight.