I have made some sort of progress, with my son.
He has spoken to someone from a carers organisation, who will come and visit him next week. I'm hoping this is in regards to NDIS and him getting an assessment.
Todays appointment with the Psychiatrist was cancelled due to illness.
His next appointment is in 9 days. I had day off work today. My son had turned into himself, and I asked him if it was ok I go out for a while. When I come back I'll make you a yummy hamburger.
I am talking positive to him and make sure I only say the necessary things as having a nice chat is impossible. I came back after going to gym and some shopping, and he was laying down in the lounge on his mattress.
I fixed his hamburger while he got up and he sat down outside for his siggy. I looked at him through the kitchen window, oberserving how I handle the next few minutes with him, and hours.
I fixed our burgers in yummy fresh rolls and plenty of greens too. When finished eating, I looked at him and put everything down. I said to him I have learned something today. He looked at me. I said I am aware that eventhough I say I am here for you, I am still either walking, or hanging up washing, or doing something as I am so good at 'multitasking'. I said from now on, I put everything down and I will look you in the eyes, as you are so very important to me. If you dont want to say anything, that is also ok.
It must be so hard for you to even try to explain what is going on inside of you.
Again he didnt say much, dropped his head between his shoulders and smoked.
I meant what I said, this is now, this is how it is. Things can be a lot worse, as it has been when he was not medicated. If he stops that, we will not be able to live together.
After we sat there for a while he said I'm going for another lay down, so tired. i asked him if he would like to lay down for about an hour, in which time i can go do my own thing and then we could perhaps go for a walk. He said lets go now for a walk, then I have a lay down. So we walked around the block and he came home, smoked and had a lay down.
I stepped in my car for privacy and rang the mental health clinic, I asked the clinical nurse to come around, and he said yes, he can pop in tomorrow. i explained I was worried about him withdrawing, and being on his own while I am at work. I also told him his next depot is due Next Tuesday, so its wearing off perhaps? He agreed.
I rang another carers organisation in my area and said I am carer but work full time. I was told there is not a lot they can do in that case (I guess all respite for carers in during the week at office hours?) but she was kind enough to meet me in my lunch break at work Monday, as I insisted I cannot do this by myself!
When I came back my son was having a siggy in the backyard and I made us a cuppa. I looked at him and he looked at me.
He said you know mum, when i was at school, there was this day I remember, that is when it all started.
I didnt say anything, just listened...
He said the teacher wanted me to tell him the answer to a sum. I just didnt get it. I did not understand and the longer the teacher took to explain to me that 1 + 1 = 2 the worse it got. I was feeling embarressed and the other kids were giggling and I was so busy with my emotions, I just couldnt figure out the answer.
Mum, the whole education system, the way they teach kids without considering how they must feel if they dont get it straight away, that was so wrong mum....
Thats when it all started, I can still remember the teacher made me feel like an idiot.
I said, son, I am so sorry you were treated that way, and you are absolutely right, you have fallen thru the cracks of 'the system'. This system is the "Western way" .
I remember those days well, him coming home crying, being bullied at school. Talks with teachers, afterschool studies, special tutoring....
There are other ways like the Montessori way, but we didnt have the money. He said and that's what gets me so angry, we are all moulded to fit this system, we're all fed the same b*llsh*t at school, we all have to work like slaves after, pay for water, electricity, housing, that should all be free mum, so we can help the people in the poor countries, where people are starving...
I said son, you are on the right track you have a beautiful mind. i can explain how I see you after you have told me all of this. We all have a, like a bubble around us, we can let things in when we want and let things go when we want, He nodded.
Well, I said, to me it looks like some people, like you, have bigger gaps in that bubble and they can hear and feel more that others and I reached with my arms to the universe to show him. (because my son is a big thinker)
those big gaps can be used by some, to reach you and make you feel bad about yourself. You have many many emotions they can hook into.
He looked at me and he nodded yeah thats whats its like mum.
So we had a beautiful conversation tonight and a few appointments that could potential help us getting through this horrible horrible mental illness.
thanks for reading my story.
I hope you're all well and coping.
love,
