Son (22) with schizophrenia

Hi, I just need to vent a little, its been haunting me all night and morning. My baby bro (psychosis Sz) rang me last night (rarely has enough credit to), so I reluctantly picked up. He wanted to tell me his knee is swollen & he needs MRI, but its not painful. I made the mistake of asking if he injured it - he went back to the false memory (truecto him) of how the currupt authorities captured him and broke every bone in his body... Oh it makes me tired. I mean, if it were true you'd jump into action for justice, but I know its false but he doesn't - I act neutral, he interprets this as not caring. Arr!!

Thinks he's gonna die soon - before all of us (he's the baby in the family and mum has terminal cancer). Every time we talk he tells me what pocession i can have of his when he dies - last night it was his dinnerset, time before that his mobile phone. I reminded him he's only in his late 40s but it didn't matter because his 'spirit' council told him it will be.

My heart sank. If i try to get him to stop talking about dying he accuse me of not caring. My inner reaction is crushing and I think that's because
- i've been that depressed myself & its real
- in my 20s a friend i met in hospital took her own life (on mothers day)
- my 12yo said she thinks shell die soon twice the year she did (not suicide but sudden - can't talk about it).

Perhaps how I feel with my bro bumps into those experiences of mine emotionally to make it feel worse. I'm fighting off having a panic about it, mother does the same to me..

With my intermeshed family, I also know they want me to worry, to feel guilty, to owe them... they have great need looking for solutions in the wrong places - I love them but its never enough to make a difference it seems. . This hurts. I feel I have naught left to give but the last spark left, the part that keeps me going, how can they take that from me? I feel nauseated thinking about it.

He also got stressed out about the end of the world and Nth Korea. His 'spirit guide' gave him a vision of it - so now that's fact to him too.

Then he tells me i should move in with frail mum & dad to keep the kitchen tidy for them. Yes, I guess I should. in an ideal world, where mothers are not abusive I thought.

He visits the parents more than anyone. They pay him to do jobs, he's always broke.

Its like death spending too much time around them. I want to but it really affects me. How do you all do it 24/7?

I started feeling really drained and annoyed after 20min on the phone and i know his lonely but I just don't feel I can do it anymore. Maybe compassion fatigue.

The hopelessness of it all. I get down, even suicidal myself, but I don't go telling people (accept here sometimes). I feel manipulated / roped in emotionally, again, then I wonder if I give enough of myself.

Its hard to just ignore. He's on a CTO. MH check up on him at home, goes in for his injections (complient) - what else can we do? I struggle 'going along with delusions' and he's argumentative and never wrong.

Anyway, just needed to put this out there where I know someone understands, here. Don't feel the need to reply. Its so much harder for you guys. Medal of honour to you all 💜

hello @Former-Member

I was just feeling very sorry for myself after telephone conversation with my older son this morning.

He wanted me to ring his father as someone was intercepting his calls to his dad's home telephone and mobile.

He urgently needs to get security cameras and alarms installed and father is providing something.

I told him assertively that I would ring him straight away and then send him a text message. He was taken aback initially as I normally tread on eggshells. This was a surprise to me as well.

I spoke to his dad who is unbelievable in himself. I wont go there. I then sent text message back to son saying all done and fine.

I thought about it after and thought I respected him, I did not argue with him, dispute anything and when told he needed help urgently, responded with I am on to it straight away. I think looking back that I actually respected us both.

He has talked about his and our lives being in danger on other occasions. He tells me how i must tell my mum, sister, other son how to eat, how to be safe and so on and so on.

Your situation was very difficult. A person without triggers or mental illness would struggle.

Having to listen to all of that is shattering.

I am going to tell myself this as well as you.

Do not diminish the grief that you feel for your brother/son because you do not live with him full time. Our pain, grief is very real, each of ours, different again.

This is not about measuring who has the worst case scenario.

Do not apologise for your feelings.

I was actually not going to respond to posts for a while. Then I read yours and had to reply because I felt your pain.

I hope that you have found some relief in writing about your feelings. Keep on writing.

We have a need too xxxxxxx

I cannot write anything to make you feel better @Former-Member@Former-Member@patientpatient@Former-Member@Shaz51

The moment I think I want to so much help others I get hot and flustered as I dont even know myself how to cope with my son bizarre behaviours.

I have gone back to work to help myself, fleeing the home situation. My son, sitting at home now awake as he sleeps at night due to medication, just smokes, drinks coffees. I come home at night and there is no other evidence that some some is actually living there. There is blankets and a pillow on the floor, siggy butts and coffee mugs.

No tv has been turned on, no shoes have been worn, no magazine or book has been read. No puzzle, no drawing, no gardening. What on earth does he do with his time?

He told me he rang LifeLine again, and I praised him for it. As soon as I come home from work, we go for a walk, then he talks. He told me he was very dissapointed with Lifeline, the person was no help at all. She sounded scripted and gave him SANE's phone no but, he told me, they didnt pick up and he gave up on trying.

Helping Minds rang him tho, and some one is going to visit him for a home interview next Tuesday.

Again I praised him for picking up the phone.

You see, I figured out, if I keep mothering him, its just not going to cut it. He needs to figure things out for himself, ring someone if he needs help.

I can only provide certain lifes essentials, food in his belly, warm showers (sometimes 4 a day at this stage) and a warm bed (blanket on floor in lounge - eventhough he has his own bedroom with Qsize bed)

and I feel good about it. I'm always here for him, just a phone call away.

Then I read stories from @Former-Member@Former-Member and I hear ths same story from a friend of mine, all three of you, just a phonecall away, and it drives them insane. So... what is the answer?

God knows.

Take care of youxx

hello @Grasshopper3 @Former-Member @patientpatient @Former-Member

No need to feel that you have to offer help. You have enough on your plates.

Just writing our individual stories helps us feel that we are not so alone.

That is one of the strongest, weariest feelings I have at the moment; that I am all alone and yet I am not. I feel that way though.

I spoke to my son briefly yesterday. He only rang me to check on his father. He believed that his father's phone nos had been intercepted by "them". I checked and sent a text message back to him. I later got one which said thank you. Lovely.

Tonight I have been receiving long text messages about meditation. also to read books by Shakti Gawain, she wrote Creative Visualisation and many others about healing.

I see this as positive because he is looking at ways of connecting his mind and body.

I will look into these when I get back from overseas.

I am trying to read the power of now at the moment but keep putting it off.

He also wants me to buy the book for his dad. His father doesnt read so that will be an interesting conversation. not happening.

my mind is tired I am off of here now.

take care all. every day is different.

living in the now xxx

Hello @Grasshopper3

You must be feeling very weary and drained now after everything that has happened recently.

I wont write a storybook.

just wanted to stop by and let you know that I do think about you and your beautiful son almost every day. The posts we shared became a part of the day I looked forward to. I was able to communicate with someone on an almost daily basis, who was living with her son and dealing with ongoing and new issues all of the time.

You helped me by just keeping a journal on here that as you said gave you a record of what was happening, a journal.

I hope that things are not too unbearable for you. I wish that I could also say tell your son that I am thinking of him but of course I realise that will never be possible. They must never know that we wrote about our experiences.

keep writing to us when you can. You are missed xxxxxx