The array of problems

@eudemonism

If I get you right I see it this way:

The human brain has this section dedicated to self-preservation that is all but automatic. A possible threat appears and that "helper" looks for the best match it knows and takes off running down that path screaming. The paths it can choose from are those learned in earlier times - anything from your birth (and what parents did) up to what was done yesterday. But more likely strongly biased towards younger years.

Sadly not all the paths that helper part of the brain knows are relevant (or even related) to what is happening today. The more a path is used, the greater chance it has of being chosen, even if it makes no logical sense. This, of course, can see us feeling pretty lost in the way we react.

The helper wants to help and makes the best choice it can but if the options it has are trapped in the mind of a child (or lizard) then the chances are high that in reality, the actions it sets up are not really useful for today's issue.

The trick is to not fight the helper. We commonly fight the helper with negative self-talk (sneaks hand up) and that is impossible (or Dumb) as the helper is us. As smart as playing Chess against yourself and wondering whey you always lose - think on it till that makes sense.

The AA trick of handing problems that are too large off to God (Life) is a way of asking that helper to find another way. We could equally acknowledge that helper by saying "thanks for the assistance, but right now we need a new and better way; can you help me find that?". That takes us from trying to micromanage ourselves (and the world around us) to allowing everything and everyone to find the way that works best - remember that life (God, universe...) is the best balancer of things as it can comprehend the big picture we cannot contain in our puny noggins.

The best boss is the one who sets the direction and outcomes required and trusts that his staff will do their best when allowed to handle each problem in the way they flow best. I have seen staff solve problems in the oddest of ways that in theory are the wrong thing to do BUT the problem got solved as the intent was pure and honest so it worked out well.

You seem (like me and I think many others at this time) to be caught in this balance of freedom vs responsibility vs the old rigid rules. You can't control what other's do and feel so all you can do is what you need - so long as that intends no harm to yourself or others. Morality is a personal thing and the most moral of people hold themselves very true to their values. To break their own code is to do themselves harm, even if in the short them it seems to deliver a win. That is a hard one to learn for many who choose to never look past their nose.

🙂

Yes @eudemonism

Your very last post is exactly what we tend to do and then we find ways to say that things not getting better are not our fault and do the whole angry thing. Life can suck but we don't have to do shitty things to ourselves. Working that bit out is the beginning of changing it.

I would love to meet a new lady (well probably a bit old seeing I am 47 LOL) but don't take every opportunity to be social. It took me over a year to get myself off to a dance class again. Then I have avoided invites that I could have gone along with and had a nice time. All because I have had some less than lovely outcomes and want to avoid it happening again. Weill thanks, Mr. Brain but that isn't a useful thing to do as avoiding invites will avoid possible rejection. However, it will also ensure I never met anyone I don't already know who might just think I am cool. Great plan!

I notice that you speak very generally, is there a specific situation you could detail for us as that might help us to round-table some ideas (I know others are reading this thread). Maybe one will spark with you and help you do something different (and scary) like me getting back into dancing?

🙂

@eudemonism

Oh, I get you. Something is wrong. I came to Sane Forums here because my mornings were starting to get the way you describe too. Not a nice, or good, tunnel to look into. Everyone does that to some degree. We are labeled MI because we do it too much (as judged because we are unhappy too much and even become non-functional).

I also know how absurd it seems when people simply say things like "buck" up or "turn that frown into a smile" so I try not to do that. Instead, I try to offer a workable path, one that has kept me at least close to the rails all my life. I too have invested time into looking for something or someone else to 'save' me. Sadly the reality is that being saved is a personal thing.

It is possible to give people a placebo or known effective medicine and the results are not a foregone conclusion. This says that while medicines (and placebos) do have their place, it is something in the individual that decides what healing takes place.

I know a few Born Again Christian types who are lovely people (and I have known the opposite too so this is not an advert) and what I see in common with each of them is that they have put all their faith in the Jesus thing. The big J doesn't wander through their houses at night fixing their problems, like leaky taps, but their belief in that force that can help them deal with what they otherwise would feel they couldn't is something you can't sniff at,

I am an atheist so the Jesus thing is not a placebo that works on me (I sometimes wish it would) but it clearly does for those who personify themselves as having a savior aspect. What I have tried presenting is a way that may help you find that savior aspect in yourself to improve the sense of control you have in your life.

🙂