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grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

zebra1Contributor19 Apr 2026, 12:28 am AEST

grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

This is probably just a rant more than anything, but I feel the need to get it all out.

My brother recently stopped his antipsychotic meds despite being on a cto, and has just been through a pretty bad withdrawal/manic episode and is now in hospital. I know I can’t name meds here but it’s one that requires mandatory blood tests/ECGs frequently and is going to require a really slow titration back to his dose, so looking like a 3 weeks or more hospital stay in a public hospital that doesn’t have the best reputation for mental health care, probably what feels like an indefinite extension of his cto, and the loss of his job. He showed up to his workplace in a manic state which makes me worried that he’s probably going to lose his job, and unemployment was a trigger for his first psychotic episode so this really isn’t ideal.

He’s been diagnosed with schizophrenia for 3 years and I think it’s all just hitting me that this is just going to be our life now. Not only have we all been going through the grief of what feels like losing a part of him and a life that could’ve been, but it has just had a cascading effect on the whole family, with my parents relationship severely strained due to different ways of coping with the situation, and my dad becoming a functioning alcoholic. And I know there’s no use worrying too much about the future, but I’m starting to gear myself up for the fact that I will probably be his main carer when our parents eventually pass away.

While I do have supportive friends who are vaguely aware of the situation, it’s hard reaching out for help because I feel like they probably wouldn’t understand the complexity of it all if they haven’t been through it. Being told that “hopefully he’ll get better soon” and “at least he is getting help in the hospital” while well meaning, sort of just reinforces that they don’t quite understand the situation and how grim it feels. It just saddens me that he may never again experience things that truly make life worth living, like forming meaningful relationships or engaging in interesting hobbies, making and achieving goals or feeling joy.

maybe I’m catastrophising a little but on the other hand I feel like that’s just the reality of the situation? I know people tell me to seek out support for myself but I don’t really feel like spending $200 to see a psychologist for them to give me some grounding exercises, coping strategies and explain CBT to me for the 100th time. (Sorry I’m a bit cynical right now, I just feel frustrated)

if anyone has any recommended philosophical approaches to take in what feels like a hopeless situation, I’m open to them.

53 replies

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In response to: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

Jane241Senior Contributor16 May 2026, 10:44 am AEST

Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

@Ru-bee thank you. Yes I learned that from someone else. It certainly helps when making decisions and choices that are against their wishes yet you know they are not in the right place to know what's best. It's hard not to get caught up in their chaos and second guess yourself. Thinking in this way gives me clarity.

In response to: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

Jane241Senior Contributor16 May 2026, 11:32 am AEST

Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

@Shaz51 I've found that my daughter gets more help and treatment when I've said she can't come back to live with me when she's in hospital (that may not be your situation). Before this hospital admission she was living with me and things were getting worse than usual and I was at my wit's end. So I went to the CATT to ask what to do and told them I wasn't coping. There was also a safety issue with her, which is why she ended up in hospital. In the past CATT have referred her to the community treatment team, which meant she saw a psychiatrist, psychologist and case worker. They also offer support to carer's (the CATT do this too). It's worth talking to CATT or mental health triage to find out your options. It's hard work navigating all of this, but if you feel it's time to get more support it's worth reaching out.

In response to: Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

Shaz51Senior Contributor16 May 2026, 11:36 am AEST

Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

thank you for the advice @Jane241 😍

will do xx

In response to: Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

jedi12Contributor17 May 2026, 2:32 pm AEST

Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

Apologies again to continue chatting in this thread.
I was wondering if anyone else been through similar experiences.

My partner strongly feels I'm a narc and have high tendencies of narc behaviour. For instance, when she has a flare up and gets triggered or it was due to a result of my reaction or emotional outburst, I tend to immediately feel bad about how I reacted and apologise hoping that things dont go south quickly like it used to. In other words, I get scared that she will go back to her old behaviour of not speaking to me and start to develop the same deep hatred towards me, such as the long standing silent treatment and use me only when she needs something. Is this normal for someone to go through this cycle of apologising, doing things to please her or change your behaviour style to make her feel better? Does it help at all when a person is already triggered, is it likely to make them think that he is only doing this so things can go back to normal and repeat his narc behaviour on me. ie, I've narc traits.

I'm waiting on my counselling session and hope to uncover this with the therapist whether there are some deep rooted insecurities when i was a child has contributed to the 'narc' label. Ive been reading about narc behaviours too and going through some self assessment with AI which seem to indicate I've some mild narc symptoms but I get that this may require professional assessment and likely to take time.

I suppose I'm only asking what can one do in this instance when you are labelled this way other than working on yourself? i cant tell whether this is out of her delusional thought or her genuine feeling about me. In the last two years we have been together this thought about narc has never come up as a discussion point or a concern, seems like only after the trigger this topic has come back again. this makes me think that either she has buried this thought all this while and it is now surfaced again? in any case, I'm willing to go through this to fix it.

In response to: Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

Shaz51Senior Contributor17 May 2026, 2:44 pm AEST

Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

Soo good to see you here @jedi12

And thankyou for sharing

You are not alone my friend

@Ru-bee , @tyme , @Nala2022

In response to: Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

tymeModerator17 May 2026, 5:58 pm AEST

Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

I wonder if narcs 'feel bad' when they see others upset/hurt? @jedi12 What do you think?

In response to: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

tymeModerator17 May 2026, 7:22 pm AEST

Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

@Jane241 @zebra1 , how are you both going with everything?

In response to: Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

jedi12Contributor17 May 2026, 8:30 pm AEST

Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

From what I could sense from her was that there are several variants of Narcs. Clingy, Covert etc. I dont know which ones I fit under but to your question about narcs feel bad maybe yes if you are covert type? where you sense that you need to do fake apologies and become emotional to diffuse the situation and to regain sympathy so the other person can be kept hooked? Im trying to evaluate myself to see if I've exhibited such behaviour. As I could have better handled the situation which triggered her rather than being self centred? Maybe the narc in me came out and said those hurtful things? And now it is trying to pacify the situation with hopes that it will get better. Or it is my lack of ability to accept that this relationship is not working because Im not able to face living alone. therapist exploration 🙂

In response to: Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

Jane241Senior Contributor17 May 2026, 8:50 pm AEST

Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

@tyme thank you. I'm just trying to process everything and look after myself. I've been packing up some of my daughter's things as she won't be coming back to live with me, which stirred up a lot of feelings - sadness for my daughter and what she has been through in her adult life so far. I hope that this hospital stay will help her. The doctor has increased her meds, so I hope that will make a difference. What will come after hospital is an unknown as yet. It's likely that she'll be under a community care order, which will be good. Trying to focus on the positive fact that she is getting treatment.

In response to: Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

tymeModerator20 May 2026, 4:43 pm AEST

Re: grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

Hey @jedi12 ,

It sounds like you have a lot of insight. I don't know enough about narcs, except that it's been taken out of the DSM?

I just hope you find a way to work with whatever it is so that you can live the best life that you want and deserve.

I know for sure that I've had strong emotional outbursts in the past. I guess it's part of managing life?

Take care mate. Hope to hear from you.

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