grappling with grief, hopelessness etc. while caring for an ill family member

Hey @zebra1

It makes a lot of sense that you would be feeling cynical and frustrated right now. When you're watching a cascading effect hit your family like this, being told to practice grounding exercises can feel almost like an insult. I understand that it may feel like you're catastrophising, but this is a very heavy reality to come to terms with. There is no right or wrong way to respond to this new reality 💚

That grief you mentioned of losing the "life that could've been" is a very real, tangible loss. It's okay to just sit with it and not try to "fix" it with a positive spin right away, as hard as that is.

I know you also mentioned the fear that he may never experience meaningful relationships, hobbies or joy again. While I cannot speak for your brother's specific journey, I want to offer a perspective from my own life, as my partner of almost 3 years lives with Schizophrenia.

It has not been an easy road for them, and there are certainly trade-offs, but they have a life full of deep, meaningful relationships, a loving relationship, their family and my own family who care deeply about them, and an assortment of hobbies they truly enjoy. It took time and the right support to get there, but "joy" did not end with the diagnosis. It just changed shape. Recovery often looks less like "getting the old person back" and more like "building a new, different life that is still worth living."

Since you asked for a philosophical lens, I wanted to share two things from Stoicism and Radical Acceptance (I know it is from DBT, but it can be used as a life philosophy, honestly).

Stoicism suggests that we suffer the most when we try to control things outside our "citadel" (that can mean, in your case, your father's drinking, your brother's medication choices, or even the reputation of a hospital) It's not about liking these things, it's about acknowledging that these things are happening so you can stop spending your energy trying to fight the realities of these things.

There is also a concept called Amor Fati, a Latin phrase meaning the Love of Fate. This is not about being happy that things are bad; it's about accepting the hand that you've been dealt so completely that you stop wishing for a different hand. It is a way of finding peace in the midst of chaos.

I hope some of what I have said here is helpful to you, but it's okay if it does not resonate or work for you 💚

Hi @zebra1 , thank you for sharing what's going on for you right now, it sounds like a lot is sitting on your shoulders.

I really emphasize when you brought up grief, grief for the changes in your brothers, for what your family is going through, and for the future you thought things might look like. That can feel very heavy, especially when it's layered with uncertainty and responsibility.

I can hear how frustrating it is when people try to reassure you in ways that don't quite fit the reality of what you're living with.

When it comes to "philosophical approaches," some people in similar positions find it helpful to shift from trying to solve the whole future, to focusing on what's within their control right now. More in a grounded sense such as "what can I realistically carry, and what isn't mine to hold today?" That can sometimes create a bit of breathing space when everything feels like it's piling up.

You don't sound cynical, it sounds more like you're exhausted and not wanting surface-level fixes for something this big.

You're welcome to keep sharing here, there are people who understand more than you might expect.

Take care of yourself as best you can 💮

"if anyone has any recommended philosophical approaches to take in what feels like a hopeless situation, I’m open to them. "

Welcome to the journey @zebra1 . Perhaps not a band of pilgrims - not everyone looks to religion - but devolving to a split between harsh reality and higher intentions can provide glimmers when things are grim.

May I say I'm glad your brother was found.

I'm sorry to hear about the fallouts impacting your family. Some choose to walk away. Thankyou for caring.

I'll tag @Appleblossom one of our dear and wise community elders .

@zebra1

I am sorry you and your family is going through this. It is not easy, and I do not believe you are catastrophising. Schizophrenia is a serious condition, although there is a LOT of variation in how people's lives unfold and the best treatments etc. Each human is unique and so is their family system, although there may be different similarities. We must be careful not to give medical advice on the foum, but I can understand why you feel a bit cynical and wary of spending lots of money to recieve inadequate care. Also, the lack of understanding out in the "normie" community, is hard to manage, and tended to silence me, whether it was clueless or feeling stigma and rejection.

Hmmm. What to share from my experience that may be of use? Not sure. But I relate to all you said, a lot.

I am glad other members of the forum community have responded, and often times its good to receive a range of input, so you can go with what works for you.

Doing some research helps, but it sounds like you already have.

Both my parents had the Schizophrenia diagnosis, so I have been looking into it for a long time. Yes I understand the gentic odds and all that, but apparently I dont have it, but you can imagine it was not easy for us kids. So, yes, I have spent a lot of time visiting psych wards.

Be kind to yourself about it. Its stressful, even just to visit and see our family members suffer, and have to learn all the confusing lingo.

I do have to say, that the life cycle arc can vary widely for different people. Some people can maintain some level of work and function. Some people put their diagnosis behind them.

Yes I understand CTOs. Its probably wisest at the moment to support your brother to take the legal mainstream approach, as he stabilises and his lofe options become clearer, but your cynicism may actually be very healthy. I would suggest also looking at Mad in America website. There are various Mad Pride movements in Europe as well...If he is struggling with Hearing Voices, there are different approaches that may respect his Lived Experience and may help him strive for a best therapuetic outcome. So much depends on your brother and his strengths, struggles and vulnerabilities. What kind of work did he do?

I studied Psychoanalysis and Social Theory at Melbourne Uni in the 1980s, but am just a volunteer here. I also like philosophy, but it was crap when I was at uni. Keep looking around and asking questions, but also find a way to respect your boundaries, and YOUR LIFE. The level you may be needed in the future will be hard to anticipate. He may settle in the community. There are things like Haven for independant living. Keep living your own life, and try not to let it totally consume you.

https://havenfoundation.org.au/

https://www.madinamerica.com/

https://www.unitingvictas.org.au/services/mental-health/hearing-voices-support/

Now I am a senior, I am getting more vocal and more into advocacy. IMHO, The experts dont really have as much a clue as they ought to, with all the power they have over people's lives. So dont take everything they say as Gospel.