My silent battles

thinking of you and hoping today went as smooth as possible for you

Thanks for the websites @AlwaysMyself I will have a look at them when my mind is feeling I’m able to read and absorb that type of info.

following is things that relate to different posts during the last week or 2.

things that come to my mind that, through, posts it appears we have in common

- need for structure including consistency with plans for the day

- feeling of needing to use lots of wording when writing

- inability to think clearly, concentrate, fully function after a mental “crash”

- for years masking, shielding, keeping things to oneself as have been taught to do

- struggle with small talk

- thinking of others, impact of things on them

found myself smiling when reading about you trying to find “suitable shoes” and general shoe shopping. Brought back memories of when I used to be able to do similar.

re venting. I try to writing “only venting” at top of the post.

I have managed to find the FB ad. Ad is for ViSound earplugs Will leave you to have a look at the website. I will buy some loop earplugs at some stage.

If I look into getting an assessment it would be for validation. Similar to when I got formal validation that I have CPTSD.

my current hobbies - knitting, basic crocheting, counted cross stitch, diamond art, paint by number. Also enjoy jigsaws and Lego.

I have a few different cross stitch that are “in progress”. I find I get bored and loose interest in working on one item with view to get the entire thing done. I work on something for awhile, out that away and work on something different. Atm working on a counter cross stitch and know I’m started to loose interest in doing much more. I’m either do some crotchet or knitting soon, until my fingers get too sore or get bored. I’ve been like this for decades and just accept it to be part of me. I suspect originating cause is from things that happened from pre teen years. ( can explain another time if you want to know more)

my first pets. My all black bantam was named Blackie, no idea how long I had her for now. Snuggles was my first pup who I was given when I was about 3 or 4 yo. He was a brown and white Shih Tzu. I still had Snuggles when I got both my first kittens. I was in early primary school when I got my first kitten who I named Tinker. She was a light grey tabby with placid grey eyes. I got Ginger Meg’s, my second kitten within the next 12 mths. He was a red tabby. Kimmie, my first rabbit, was all white.

fruit trees - there was 2 types of plum, Granny Smith apple, Jonathan apple, pear, apricot, peach, nectarine and a 3 way apple. My favourite was apricots.

i thing the canaries used to call the cats in on purpose. Al first the cats appeared to be confused as my mum had nothing for them. Didn’t take long for them to work out, if it was during the day it was most likely the canaries calling them. Cats would sit side on to the front of the cage whilst the canaries and buggies gently “preened” their coats.

my dad was born and raised in a small country town. Same as his older cousins, he became a scout which led him to being taught how to knit (was never taught how to cast on or cast off though).

I no longer have 99% of things from when I was young. I remember the hand made dolls as had them for years. My mums youngest sister had knitted them. One based on china man in light blue outfit with long plait down its back. Other was based on American minstrels. My mum and her youngest brother used to talk about the dolls houses and garages, I don’t remember them. Apparently my dad and my uncle did all the basic wood work and painting. My mum, her mum and my mums youngest sister did the “decorations and fine work eg curtains, windows frames etc

my first patchwork quilt I don’t have. It was specifically made to be a gift for my eldest cousin and his wife. It was a cot size quilt plus baby pillow sham for them first born. Once buns outgrew the cot it was used on her bed, eventually being used by her with her dolls.

all of my contacts with my doc have been via email. Going by wording of emails appears the pdoc will be good to talk with. Based on the very limited wording on the referral letter from my GP, it appears the referral is ongoing. Pdoc only works via Telehealth. My first appointment already booked for mid May.

only item I have from my childhood is my first doll. 2 cousins ( p6 and 7 yrs older then me) and I were all given almost identical dolls one Christmas. My youngest aunt had made them distinctive by painting their hair to be as close to our own hair colouring as possible. My maternal grandmother and my aunt had knitted different outfits for each doll also.

that dolly plus a doll I inherited after my aunt passed away both occupy a human child’s cradle in my spare room. The doll that had been my aunts was bought for her as a gift by 2 of her siblings not longer after the end of the last war.

the one box maximum at a time was actually an idea from my previous psych for when I was moving things from my storage unit to my current place after I moved. To stop me feeling overwhelmed she suggested emptying and dealing with the contents of one box maximum on any given day.

this morning I tried working on my “task and activities calendar”, didn’t happen due to brain fog. Was about 4 pm before I felt I was back on track, that after getting good night sleep and sleeping in for couple of hours.

the “task and activity calendar” I want to try again. It was an idea from my previous psych in which for me to record all things I must do at set times (eg appointments, activities) and them to fit around them tasks I need to do ( eg doing laundry, putting laundry away). Last time I did it I saw there was it much time for self care.

Always myself wrote

that’s not what I said at all! I’ll try to explain again. I started to write that you needed to view things from your mums perspective. I deleted what I wrote as I realised that was what I had constantly been told to do. I don’t understand where you got perspectives-considering and didn’t realise you were talking about your need to do it”. You twisted my words

Think we were typing at the same time @AlwaysMyself.

With things with your mum, I’m here for you to chat and/or to. In certain circumstances I try to stay neutral ie sitting on the fence. I may, at times, ask general questions etc. I’m not there with you and don’t feel it is right for me to “judge” either person.

please don’t think I don’t believe you. That is not my intention behind the paragraph above. I do believe you and feel for you for what you are going through.

I know I’ve changed my wording with things and say things as gender neutral (can’t explain how natural and comfortable it feels doing so). Posts during the last couple have days have shown me I need to pay more attention and make myself clearer when I’m saying things. This is a good thing and I thank you for bringing it to my attention.

im still trying to work out balances with doing things including being on the forums. One thing I know I want to do is no social media and forums on the weekends. When I was working I used to allocate part of every Saturday and almost all day Sunday to the cats. For them and for me, I want to go back to that.

take as much time as you need for yourself.

there is no rush to read or reply to my posts

please know, if things were different, I would be there with you in person when you need me for support and hugs. Shoulder for you to cry onto, if wanted and needed to.

hang in there. I have faith in you that you will get through all of this.

Hi @Chasingsunsets

Sorry for belated reply.

I haven’t made it to snooker afternoon as yet and won’t this coming week either.

Last Wednesday afternoon I had electrician at my place installing external power point for my alfresco blinds (blinds were installed the day prior)

wednesday next week will be trivia afternoon. My best friend doesn’t play snooker so I join her at trivia.

blinds are great. Doesn’t feel real as yet that they are there. Regarding the last couple of weeks in general, I will find previous posts and tag you in them so you can read in full (if you like).

mexican trains (which is a domino game) earlier this week started ok, ended not well. 2 that were there started talking about an upcoming event, “political discussion” is best way to describe things. I started to turn off which saw my concentration drop.

my team won at croquet Wednesday morning. The draw works on a round robin style where we play against one team for 4 weeks and then different team each 4 weeks thereafter. Current team we are playing against has 2 very experienced players in it. It’s completely social and lots of fun. Nice though when my team won the tiebreaker.

Mexican trains on Thursday night was another enjoyable night. I noticed it didnt have same negative impact on my mood as previous weeks had done.

a week ago I had my most recent psych appointment during which we briefly touched on some specific things I want to focus on and get help with, one of which relates to Thursday nights. When I see psych next week I have some research that Ive done that will be discussing.

Ive always had issues with my ears and hearing. Golden staph was in the hospital when I was born and different GPs over the years have said it was the cause of some of the issues. For decades I’ve known I’m sound sensitive, loud noises and certain pitches being the worst, thought nothing of it though. Research I’ve done, plus chatting with Tyme and Alwaysmyself, it appears I’m struggling with sensory overload which one night led to active SI.

seriously considering ordering some loop earbuds as soon as I can afford to. I’ve recently been having some chats with Alwaysmyself about autism. Currently waiting for first appointment with a new psychiatrist, appointment is in mid May. Considering discussing with them about possible assessment, more for validation that anything else due to recently becoming aware lots of things I’ve taken for granted are actually autism traits

as I’ve mentioned to a few others, I’m not on the forums all the time anymore. At times that means I’ve got quite a few notifications and posts to catch up on. I found there wasn’t a good balance of time on the forms vs everything else.

Ive already got my dates for my next week in hospital due to infusion. This will be end of May. Booking was made in January. The weeks are definitely travelling quickly. I moved into my current place almost 2 1/2 yrs ago, doesn’t feel possible.

planning for a birthday. Please tell me more (if you are ok about sharing). Whose birthday? What plans? Is there to be a theme? Special location for it to be held?

Showing interest when client talks about their hobbies vs showing interest Plus mentioning their adult children sharing same hobby and what they collect.

current psych vs previous psych.

easy to see the red flags in hindsight @AlwaysMyself @Cuddlebear

@AlwaysMyself Will the trial involving you being in a day ward at a hospital?

if yes, will you be taking any comfort item/s with you?

if yes, do you know as yet will it be equalivent to an average working day eg 9 to 4 (or similar)

is the trial being done through a hospital or a special clinic? How long before the first day (think you might have told, if so I’ve forgotten)

Do you know when you will receive the first “treatment”?
Any idea whether it will be injection. Infusion or oral meds?

how are you feeling now the tapering is over? What differences are you feeling and noticing within yourself?

know we have talked about the trial at different times, feel I’m might be missing info. Actually feel like I’m missing out on a lot of important medical related things with you. Feels like you have stopped sharing anything medical and trial treated with me.
Oh well, doesn’t matter.

at least you don’t have to stay overnight, hoping this is a good thing for you and what you would prefer.

im aware you won’t be on the forums for unknown period of time from now until …. I don’t know. If you are not online or on the forums for days or weeks, I know is because you either have lot of things to deal with and/or are not well and will reply when you can.

take care of yourself.

looking forward to getting notifications regarding your posts, regardless which thread

due to your weeks being busy and time for yourself limited, I feel it’s best that this is last post I send to you for awhile

@AlwaysMyself I have enjoyed talking with you on same general level as I do a small number of other people.

you mentioned about problem solving for me ie fixing things. I don’t need or want that. I don’t need “fixing” and I don’t need others solving things for me!! I don’t talk to you for you to solve things.

I have enjoyed being given different perspectives to consider whilst I’m processing thoughts and things. Different perspectives can be helpful at times. Similar the wording “how does xxx make you feel”. Can be helpful as prompts me to continue looking at things differently whilst I’m problem solving for myself, which I do and am fully capable of doing on my own!

venting is when I’m upset or frustrated over something that has happened. I don’t vent over things where I need others to “problem solve”. If I vent, only thing I might be looking for from others is some empathy, nothing else. I was raised to be self reliant and to take care of my own issues and problems.

regarding posting links for books, articles, movies in posts addressed to me….. if I want that to happen I will specifically ask for the links, discuss the topic in more details etc. I’m not interested in people making decisions for me, dealt with more than enough of that from relatives in the past

@tyme @Jynx @Chasingsunsets @AuntGlow @Blackcloud @Cuddlebear

feel like kicking myself ATM. I’ve don’t the complete, act before thinking things fully through, situation.

Talking to my best friend recently plus having been doing some research, I had started thinking about maybe looking into assessment for autism and ADHD.

originally was going to wait and talk with my psychologist on Thursday. So much for those thoughts. I will still talk with my psych, starting to feel it will be an after thought by now.

Since the weekend there have been variety of messages via FB between myself and a staff member from a local firm who does the assessments. Info about the steps etc have been easy to understand. Today I received info they offer flexible payment plans and some different examples. Also mentioned timeline of approx 8 weeks between assessment date and when report will be ready plus when I will know the outcome.

feeling really overwhelmed atm.

went to lunch where I live today which was very noisy a few times. Thinking might be impact of both, feeling overwhelmed, on edge, headache and wanting to crawl into a shell and go into tears.

Im currently waiting for Loop earbuds to arrive. Fingers crossed will have them within next few days

@Flutterbug9 Thats great that you’re considering on looking into getting an assessment for autism and ADHD!! I’d say definitely recommend on getting one whenever you’re ready to get it done of course ☺️ I find that for me reading all the detailed info/insight (particularly on my executive functioning and barriers) on the report written by a psychologist is useful for being able to know and discover more about myself. It can also be a useful resource as part of evidence that you can use to submit for when having to apply for certain things too!

Aw it’s totally okay and normal to feel overwhelmed - I feel the same way as well, and it’s definitely one of those days where things in general just feel like it’s just overall too much to handle and that there's many times where I will always need and/or feel like I need to take a breather when things do get too much for me depending on the environment and situations I'm at. ❤️🌿

I also hope that you’ll receive the loop earbuds in the next couple of days too!🤞🏼

Thanks @Blackcloud. Knew I needed to talk to someone.

staff member I’ve been in contact with has been very nice. I messaged them today saying balancing of current finances plus other things has become overwhelming.

in reply I received, person provided phone number for the business saying they fully understood and suggested I phone them just to talk

im holding off doing anything more until after I talk with my psychologist on Thursday morning

---

@Flutterbug9 wrote:

you mentioned about problem solving for me ie fixing things. I don’t need or want that. I don’t need “fixing” and I don’t need others solving things for me!! I don’t talk to you for you to solve things.

I have enjoyed being given different perspectives to consider whilst I’m processing thoughts and things. Different perspectives can be helpful at times. Similar the wording “how does xxx make you feel”. Can be helpful as prompts me to continue looking at things differently whilst I’m problem solving for myself, which I do and am fully capable of doing on my own!

venting is when I’m upset or frustrated over something that has happened. I don’t vent over things where I need others to “problem solve”. If I vent, only thing I might be looking for from others is some empathy, nothing else. I was raised to be self reliant and to take care of my own issues and problems.

regarding posting links for books, articles, movies in posts addressed to me….. if I want that to happen I will specifically ask for the links, discuss the topic in more details etc. I’m not interested in people making decisions for me, dealt with more than enough of that from relatives in the past

---

I 100% am with you on this one @Flutterbug9 I also can't stand when I'm being given problem solving suggestions whenever I share about things that I wanna vent about or any issues that I've been having that have been bothering me. It's frustrating whenever I tell someone about my issues and the things they mention will go straight into problem-solving, even if their first question to me after that is "have you spoken to someone about it?" and I'm just there saying in my head like..."well I've literally just told you about my issues and here you're not listening to what I have to say" like aaarrghhh.. the invalidation!! 😤

everything else you've mentioned here I completely relate and fully agree with you on as well. I also would need to have someone that can solely offer empathy for me after I tell them about my issues, instead of someone who jumps straight into giving problem-solving and act like as if they don't give a damn about what we want to tell them. The latter in my perspective is just wrong on many levels that most people in this world don't see.

❤️