My silent battles

@Flutterbug9 My whole life I have been trained to see/consider things from another person's perspective - especially when the other person does not say anything or express their needs.

I think there is a lot going on too, which I didn't see until the counsellor suggested specific traits and I researched it more and I could see so many other examples where these traits are evident too.

I had been thinking it had only been since we moved to where we currently live (last 10 years) - and that it was thus likely related to the additional caring duties she takes on her her mother which cause her to be more tired (along with aging, of course). However today I found some old emails I had written 15 years ago where I had commented on not feeling able to discuss/approach my mum with my SI (despite her insistence I should/could for support) because of the same feelings I have now. So the more consistent topic for "trigger" I suspect is my SI and I assume her fears around it and/or feelings of rejection/abandonment/etc.

"I am left wondering if they are realising the wording and the impact on you."

I always assume people are unaware unless I tell them (after all - that is fair on them! assume innocence). However I have always "kept it to myself" and rationalised that it wasn't intended, to avoid others being upset and to "keep the peace". Every workplace conflict I have had is because I politely and respectfully raised how an issue was impacting my ability to do my role (noting that in all these conflicts I have had either a senior manager or an HR person show support to me in self-advocating on the issues I was raising - so I think it's reasonable to say I was not being "too much" or inappropriate in doing so). In the last 6 months I have made a conscious effort to explain what I need (when I really need to) or to explain why something is hurtful (eg to my mum) when it is said, in a calm, polite & controlled manner without placing any "blame" on a person - just "this is how I feel/respond, so that you are aware for future conversations".

Earlier in the year I had a week where I was out of the house almost all the time during the day (admittedly due to SI, not due to my mum) -- but I got so tried it also made the SI worse in the evenings. It's also hard because I don't want to leave the dogs home alone all-day multiple days. I already have so many medical/support appointments each week (some at home, most out). A typical week is 6 hours where I am home for at-home supports (this includes cleaning & dog walker), and 4+ hours of away-from-home appointments/travel every week. Plus the non-weekly things like my GP appointments, dog grooming, research trial appointment, ASD/ADHD assessment appointments, visits to Safe Haven when I need, social commitments, time for my language study assessments (which I have completed until next term, unless i didn't pass any of them!).

Having a permanent illness/disability is an unpaid job in itself lately lol ! Plus trying to find & synthesise information for DSP & NDIS applications.

I am glad you like the sound of water/waves 🙂 that sounds nice. I like the sound of rainfall on a metal roof/surface.

@Flutterbug9 Pressure cooker - yes! perfect analogy!

I know I am not always aware of noticing whether a person wants to just vent or if they also want ideas for solutions lol. I am trying to learn/remember to ask people - but it's a work-in-progress lol. Please know you can always tell me which you would like - including telling me to "stop problem solving and just listen!" if I've gone into problem-solving mode lol.

I love your idea to them about the nurse appointment instead.

Wow, it sounds like your GP is very fussy indeed lol - for both good and bad effects!

Very possible that the GP has set their own rules for the practice/patients as you mention.

Oh, I would struggle to see domino tiles across the other side of a table too! Anything further than a standard Card table that only seats 4 people would become a little hard for me I think.

I have been considering whether to purchase some in-ear noise-reducing thing like Loop earbuds (I know a number of people who find them really helpful to be able to hear close conversation and filter out the background hubbub noise) -- but I am very prone to ear infections. I used my earplugs twice (2 days apart) for a few hours last week and ended up with an infection *sigh* - but if not for that, I'd be buying some!

I hope FB re-presents the ad to you! Were they earplugs that just block sound (eg foam), or ones that are electronic and filter sounds and/or connect to playing music/phones?

I hope it's OK to share website resources (in no particular order), as I found it very helpful when I was learning/understanding the ways that autism+ADHD can present. You don't have to read, but just in case you want to. I do wonder if some of the fatigue could be due to similar symptoms (noting a symptom doesn't mean a diagnosis - I am not commenting either way on diagnosis here, just that some symptoms you have sound similar to things I experience which I have come to find are AuDHD-like.

As for "to assessment or not assessment" - I don't think there is a right or wrong. Earlier this year, I was only considering assessment due to it being able to explain the enduring/permanence of my MH for applications to get financial supports. However, along this path the more I read about it and the more things it "made sense" of in my life if I am AuDHD, the more I felt I needed to know for myself. Not because any treatment changes - but just for my own validation of "this would make so much sense" and my own (mental rigidity) inability to self-identify without a formal diagnosis.

On the other hand, I have friends who know they are autistic but don't feel any need to have a diagnosis, and ones who have sought ADHD diagnosis only because they want to be able to see if medication will help because they have already tried behavioural-management approaches prior to any formal diagnosis. (I also have a friend who got an ADHD diagnosis despite not wanting to consider medication!)

I guess the important question is... what do YOU want? Do you WANT to know one way or the other? What will it change for you (practical and/or emotional - including validation)?

Interesting the trivia is set at 6-people teams, but then they don't make the teams even-out numbers when there isn't a multiple of 6. I would hazard a guess that it could be because people come as "groups" to play together, but it does make it harder for those without a number of people to tee up too! I hope next time will be a better experience.

Oh gosh! I am glad you weren't injured by the hammer! Indeed that type of thing would definitely become a family joke in my family too! ".. remember the time when you threw a hammer at me..."

@Flutterbug9 I'm not always good at asking questions without prompts to "bing" off - apologies in advance lol. 😛

But I did note in another post you mentioned you do cross-stitch? 🙂

I have one in-progress for the past 1.25 years (less than 1/4 done). It's a dragon. I was given it as a gift (kit) about 20 years ago or so.

Oh, chickens! I had childhood chickens too! But some sort of normal common red chooks. Not something fancy/nice like bantams!

It sounds like you had a number of pets prior to school-age -- were these at the same time (e.g. chook, rabbit, puppy) or sequential?

Do you recall what colours your rabbit, puppy and kittens were?

I had some fruit tress in one place I lived growing up. Wondering what types you liked best?

I like the mulberry tree because it was big enough to climb and build a swing off. however - mulberries stain clothing and really shouldn't be used for food fights!

Did you canaries learn to call in the cats deliberately?? lol birds can be so clever 🙂

Family-made dolls houses and garages -- that is such a special gift, and heirloom. Do you still have your dollhouse?

Wow your dad sounds like he was good with knitting! That is pretty great! I love that he didn't care if it was traditionally a "women's activity" to knit. 🙂

First hand-sewn patchwork quilt. I'm guessing that took A LONG time to make? Do you still have it?

Ahh, just reading this post now after posting my other ones @Flutterbug9 !

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@Flutterbug9 wrote:

@AlwaysMyself @tyme

Food for thought.

going to copy this and put into note book to discuss with my psych next week.

im thinking I need to leave myself reminder to discuss this with the psychiatrist, maybe in first appointment which is in mid June. I have already mentioned to psychiatrist on new patient info form to question “what do I want to get out of the appointments” is meds review

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This is exactly what I have come to realise myself in the past month has been happening my whole life in public/group situations too.

I'm glad you feel comfortable to add it to the list of things to discuss with the pdoc when you get into see them. 🙂

Is the referral/booking for ongoing pdoc consults? or just a singular review/assessment?

(I am hoping for the latter for you, just so that you can then ask them about meds review, ASD/ADHD symptoms, etc etc anything else that comes up for you between now and then)

@AlwaysMyself Touching base to let you know I’ve had a brief read through your posts and will get back to you. Heading to bed very soon.

main things that jumped out at me I want to touch on tonight.

1 I was raised with the same thing as thing about other people etc. realising this came into my mind so quickly showed me the negative impact it has had on me. I still tend to think about other people feelings/seeing things from the other persons perspective before thinking about myself.
I never intended my words to give the appearance I was saying this was my thoughts regarding you and your mum. I am sorry ir I gave that appearance.
I’ve learnt from our chats you take other people’s thoughts/feelings/perspective into consideration.

2. My comment about ‘they’ being aware of impact on you. (Something similar to that). Your post has shown me I need to be more careful with whom I’m referring to in situations. Much appreciate it. By not being careful and clear, I feel I gave you the wrong idea. I was referring to you mum.

I’ve not had much sleep last couple nights (subconscious worries due to tradies being at my place). Was much quieter at Mexican trains tonight, felt a wave of extreme tiredness hit around 9pm. I’m off to bed. Wanted to clarify these 2 things before I do so though.

@Flutterbug9 , that’s so cool to hear about snooker!! How is it going ☺️, it sounds like fun!! I know oaktree likes snooker cos on the highlights page one time she brought herself a pink cue! Reminds me actually I must them how that’s going!!

you have some really lovely memories of pool too, that’s special 🙏

How’s your weeks been? How’s the three activities been going? The blinds? 😬

Think I jinxed myself whenever I said I was at baseline here 🙈. Just continuing to ride the wave. I do apologise for my absence 🙏. Nothing really happening my end just still planning for the birthday and super stressed about it actually just keep breathing, it’s come around so fast!! Can’t believe we are in March!!

@AlwaysMyself

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Thinking of you @Flutterbug9. You are not forgotten. Thank you for your above posts.

Hello to @Chasingsunsets @AlwaysMyself too.

@tyme @Shared the screenshot regarding sensory overload following our recent chat 🙂

Yes! It reminds me of my brain at the best of times @Flutterbug9 ! Thank you for sharing.

*hugs @Flutterbug9 * glad Mexican Trains was a little better yesterday night. I hope you got a good rest without too much of a mood-crash or post-tradies "anxiety-hangover" (subconscious worries).

You were fine with how you said things 🥰 - more just how i read them i think lol. But i didnt read them in a negative way 🥰. I went back and re-read and yep, i get what you intended! I was confused when i first read the bit about perspectives-considering and didn't realise you were talking about your need to do it, rather than mine 😅. But it is such an important skill that i also agree it is important for me to do it too if i haven't already in a situation! 😋

And i realise my reply re: they understanding the hurt they cause. I realised i missed a really key sentance in my reply 😅🤣 oops! After i re-read.

I should have said, "Yes they are aware in *some* situations because I have made an effort to explicitly explain how it affects me" in *some* situations - but it usually makes it worse, so in any serious situation I don't dare tell them unless I am prepared to risk being shutdown and stonewalled and gotten angry at, etc. (Nothing physical though - but i know that doesnt mean other types are OK either). I dont think they do it deliberately/consciously though - not ill-intent, just emotional reactivity.

Take your time with replies 😊.

Had a very busy day myself today. And i think i will be very busy over the weekend with a few commitments and a lot of life admin!