My silent battles

@AlwaysMyself A question that has been sitting on my mind for awhile today.

How did things go when you explained to your mum how these recent things left you feeling? What was her reactions? Did she appear aware of possible impacts?

I have other thoughts which will keep to myself until hear back from you regarding this post

no rush. Take your time 💜

Yes @Flutterbug9 - DNA testing.

I'd be interested to know what my ancestry is like. My nieces and nephews have all sorts of roots - indian, portugese, chinese, russian, australian.... it's really interesting.

As for the webinars, as I said, I never thought such a thing existed and who the main audience are.

I'm always learning!

I'm also interested to hear why Thursday nights seem to be the worst for you in terms of mood. Is it a particular triggering event on Thursday mornings that lead to it being worse in the evening?

Thinking of you and sitting with you.

My mind is taking me on a journy and I see you sitting there, watching a movie. I know you said you don't get popcorn, but I see you having popcorn 🙂

Didn’t go to our cinema today, movie they had chosen to run didn’t appeal to me. Info, atm, shows next Sunday “Local Hero” will be on. Might go to that one. In the cinema there is a small freezer in which is stored ice creams that can be bought when movies are on. Only other thing we have is a drinks fridge which contains cans of soft drinks, bottles of water and some beer.

thursdays during the day I’m feel ok. I potter around greeting something done. Leave my place about 6:40pm and drive the short distance to the building where

I will be for following few hours. Mexican Trains starts at 7pm. I’m not comfortable with trying to do small talk, somehow fill in the time until 7ish. Once the game starts we only stop once it’s finished which means sitting in one spot, constant mental concentrating for 2 1/2 to 3 hrs. Has been at least 30 people all playing the game in the one room, up to 6 people per table.

I don’t know if it’s possibly due to the mental concentration, being in large group of people, the noise (I am noise, have been for years. Loud noises plus high pitch noises eg ring from non mobile phones). I become fully engrossed in what’s happening on the table I’m sitting at and, same as have done for yrs, semi block out noises around me.

I don’t know if, due to almost completely self isolating since early October 2024, everything is too much for my system to cope with. I don’t know.
all I know is the evening finishes, during which I’ve honestly enjoyed myself, I’m still feeling the enjoyment within myself. Within few mins it’s like someone flicked a light switch. Completely from left field I feel really low and generally miserable. I get back to my place, park my car and go inside where I know I’m safe, in bed not long after

your nieces and nephews have a mixed heritage. Person who married my eldest cousin is similar, not from the same area as you mentioned though. Their ancestry goes back to 4 different European countries. Eldest child of my cousin, as a toddler was exposed to English plus 2 other languages and used to mix them all up when learning to talk. Early primary and was fluent in all 3 languages.

@Chasingsunsets

Hi @Flutterbug9 , I am finally getting back to posts from Sunday onwards 🙂

I have had a very productive (but emotionally frustrating) "life admin" day. Now this is my down-time lol to "regulate" myself by focusing on others socially and MH chats lol.

I am really hopeful the psych continues to remember to ask you every session what you want to talk about 🙂 .

I thought of you twice today.

1. I had emailed my counsellor during the week saying "I want to talk about xxx topic this week, unless something more urgent comes up." Her reply? "we can talk about whatever you choose" -- the perfect reply as we have been discussing ourselves here! I hope yours is like this also - they should be in my opinion.

2. Saw GP, thus got a referral to a specialist. Which of course... doesn't have updated medication list of course lol ! But to be fair - I haven't said to update it. But he knows I was tapering off my anti-depressant and I did mean to mention to him that I have 100% ceased now, but I forgot lol. And he forgot last time I saw him as well as this time also I guess. However, some of the outdated medications HAVE been removed! I don't know if this was because of correlating against other medication summaries from the hospital where I had removed old medications, and maybe that triggered them to - no idea lol. I forget about my medication list until I see it on a referral lol. Other info on my referral was also incorrect (copied from previous referrals with incorrect info), but I manually corrected them with pen prior to faxing this time - so the receiving doctor can see both the original and ask me about my clarifications ;-).

I recall reading your update that your GP said you need to make a new appointment for them to go through and update your medication list :-(. I am really sorry to hear that, because to me it does not sound like a good use of your time (given you have already provided a written list) and if they don't bulk-bill its also an additional expense for you. I can understand the GP needs to review the list, but if you have clearly written out when and why you ceased a medication - that should be fine enough. Makes me wonder if they want it as a new appointment purely for billing purposes for his time (if so, I hope they bulk-bill!)

"Venting is an important thing for different reasons. Although venting has zero impact on the situation it gives one a voice. For me, venting helps get some of the strong, intense feelings out of my system (as compared to bottling everything)"

100% agree! Glad you "get it". 🙂 Thank you.

"There is various similarities mixed with healthy differences that I see coming through in our posts. I’ll explain more sometime soon."

Curious to hear more, but of course in your own time :-). No rush/pressure.

I've never heard of that song title - so I have googled it. It came up with one by "Charlene" (1977) - is that the right one?

I can understand the need to process things yourself, and only mention it to others (incl MH specialists) when you feel comfortable (with them, and with the thoughts yourself). *hug*. Know that I will accept you whoever/however you are; hopefully that is a safe place to start for you. In my readings about neurodivergence it has been a really common topic that I've read about with people feeling like they don't know who they are and starting to discover who the real them is. Of course for people this can mean many different things - but the general idea of "rediscovery" or "realisation" has been a really common thing I've read. You're not alone. *hug*

Oohh new Wednesday night activity? Female billiard night! Oh I would be there too to try it out if I lived wherever you were lol. I've never gotten to learn to play, but I think I'd "had a hit" at a pub or friend's house about 3 times in my life. And I enjoy it in a socially non-competitive laugh-at-yourself and celebrate-when-you-get-a-ball way.

So nice that being taught how to play is one of your fond memories with your dad 🙂 That is very precious. How does it feel to get to reconnect to that?

I am aware that as I type this it is now Wednesday evening, so I am wondering whether you went. 🙂

Interesting that the Trivia night seems to be organised table numbers - but having similar number of people does help make it feel fairer and also helps to introduce/include new or less socially-connected people too. 🙂

I like trivia nights, but I don't have people to go with. My friends who do go to trivia nights can be a little too competitive-focus for me to enjoy it -- but I am glad they enjoy it 🙂 But they don't like going to non-competitive ones (eg. fundraisers) which I would prefer.

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@Flutterbug9 wrote:

@AlwaysMyself A question that has been sitting on my mind for awhile today.

How did things go when you explained to your mum how these recent things left you feeling? What was her reactions? Did she appear aware of possible impacts?

I have other thoughts which will keep to myself until hear back from you regarding this post

no rush. Take your time 💜

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@Flutterbug9

No conversation about it. She just acts like it never happened. Doesn't bring it up. Doesn't apologise for getting angry at me. Nothing. I don't dare bring it up with her - there is nothing to gain from it.

However there have been a few more incidents since then. Hence I am raising the discussion topic with my counsellor.

One incident yesterday I did push it a little more with her about how her statements around things being "obvious" and "not going to explain it" to me were hurtful when it isn't obvious to me because I perceive it differently (not right/wrong).

... her response? Stonewall. Only verbally acknowledged she had heard me when I pushed to ask if she heard me and understood what I was trying to explain.

Does this fit with what you are thinking/observing?

I am curious. 🙂 I am curious if it fits with what the counsellor at the safe haven I went to whilst away said. 😉

And if it doesn't - that is also totally fine! I value your thoughts and perspectives either way. 🙂
There is also a lot of history & reflection on it that I can't really share publicly too since "anyone can read it". But i would happily share privately to you if only we could - know it is not a personal closed-ness to you 🙂 .

Oh, Local Hero - British Comedy, has me interested. https://www.sbs.com.au/ondemand/movie/local-hero/2466632771524

Very interested in your reflections of Thursday evenings @Flutterbug9

(Also just tagging @tyme as I know they were interested and asked; I hope that is OK to do 🙂 )

Small Talk - Totally understand that struggle too. I wonder if you can arrive at 6:58pm? (even if it means sitting in the car listening to music or reading a book etc etc until that time - I do this sometimes lol)

I was also wondering how noisy the room might be getting with 30 people playing... Do people talk? Or is it super-quiet like a Bridge Club?

I too block out noise when I am focused on something, but I am now also aware that it causes me subconscious overwhelm - which of course I don't notice until the deep-focus is over lol.

Is it the type of game where you can wear earplugs? or does it require verbal communication? (Anyone Deaf able to join in?)

Your description of "Within few mins it’s like someone flicked a light switch. Completely from left field I feel really low and generally miserable" sounds really similar to what I used to feel when I used to be able to enjoy things in-the-moment also. *hugs* 😞

I know it may not be the same as it was for me, but it really does make me suspect if its the "build up" of sensory overwhelm hitting you like a flooding wave afterwards, and/or the emotional/mental exhaustion of the focus for so long?

(but do you get that same "crash" after periods of mental-focus in a quiet place? e.g. if you were doing your own lego or model trains with intense focus)

Re: Ancestry. I haven't looked into mine much, but I know a little because my mum has. Mine is quite plain and boring lol. Australian, and prior to that British.

I love multi-lingual things. Especially when I heard conversations where people do slip between two languages at once. And sometimes I do it too, when I have learned a work in another language that doesn't exist in English but it just "spot on" - so I will explain the word to someone and use it for ease of not-repeating.
e.g. in Botswana / South Africa there is a word "Fong Kong". But also - people like Fong Kong things because they are more affordable (until they break lol). Many things would not be affordable to people where I was in Botswana except because they could find Fong Kong versions 🙂 . It has been a permanent part of my vocab since I spent time there lol. Along with the expression "Eish!"

PS - yes I love languages haha. Oops I derailed the comment about ancestory! Sorry! Back to genetics and heritage now!

@AlwaysMyself You’ve been on my mind various times since reading your summary post about your mum.

my initial thoughts reading that post I started to write to you prior to deleting the words and writing what I did. I found my mind stepped into “need to put other person first, seeing things from their side”. Snippets of my past coming back to bite.

cleared my mind and first thing that came to mind was “control”. From things you mentioned, it sounds like there are other things going on. Few possibles come to my mind, prefer to not share. Lots of different questions went through my mind. Yes or no answer fully understandable - do you have approx timeline this things started happening? Could there have been a trigger event?

similarities I’ve noticed that come to my mind atm - views eg ways of looking at things. Importance of talking through any miscommunications. Interests. Reactions to things. ‘Autistic traits/behaviours’

”not going to explain”. Those words can and do hurt. Know that first hand. Really sorry to hear you are experiencing words that can be heartbreaking.

I am left wondering if they are realising the wording and the impact on you. Ie is it intentional or not. Either way, doesn’t change things for you. I remember things my mum said and how hurtful they were. I think my mum had MH issue/s which could have been linked to things.

Are you being able to get out of the house on regular basis to give yourself the mental break by being in different location and environment? An area where you can sit whilst the surroundings bring calming. For me, it’s being near water and listening to the sounds of the gentle waves

@AlwaysMyself There are times I vent just to be able to take the rough, sharp edge of things out of my system. I’m someone who isn’t looking for replies, no complaints if they happen 😆 if I don’t vent and get the frustration out I start to spiral. Releasing the valve on a pressure cooker is how I view venting.

i am lucky that my GP chooses to bulk bill me for every appointment. To me that’s minor in regards to the meds. One of the proposals I put to the clinic in the email was to have appointment booked with on-site nurse for them to check and verify the meds on my spreadsheet match what is on each med.

info from others is my GP is very fussy. The current location has 2 GP rooms and I’m aware my GP had plans to have GP working with her at current location. Apparently no GP has met requirements as set by my GP. Wouldn’t surprise me if rules of the clinic include only GP able to make any updates to clients records including meds.

the song is by Charlene. It’s the title that sticks in my head, nothing else. I’ve been a child, spouse, carer, step parent. All titles of “roles” I have filled.
the real me is an animal lover, a person who feels they don’t fit in anywhere, a loner but not by choice. The rest….. I don’t know.

Bit of background. Mexican trains is a domino game. Each person one domino tile on any available “train”, winner being find to place all their tiles. On Thursday nights we use large round tables, tables that easily seat 6 people. Due to size of the diameter of the table, it can become difficult to be able to see what number is at the open end of each “track”.

game could be played by deaf people who would need to be signing during the 13 rounds of the game. The noise factor also depends on the people that come each week. There is one person who comes some nights, a person whose volume switch has 2 options “off or full volume”. Others have commented pitch in the tone they find grating. For me, it’s grating plus high pitch ie noise sensory overload.

Mentioning sensory overload. I was scrolling through FB recently when noticed one of the ad videos which I decided to play. So much aligned with me. The normal ear plugs when listening to music etc I find quite uncomfortable to use. Used them part of each day in hospital last year so I had my music whilst colouring in or doing mini brick animals, also mindful of other patients. I’ve since bought over the ear headphones following some research I did. This ad was mentioning a new type of earplug that has been made specifically for people who struggle with sensory overload. Apparently the earplugs are much lighter in weight plus total different design. Came across the ad video whilst waiting for blind installers to arrive. Typical of FB, I haven’t been able to find the ad since.

when I get fully engrossed with genealogy researching I become solely focused on what I’m doing. Completely stop and I physically feel flat and mentally exhausted. I’ve always got cds playing quietly nearby, can’t focus otherwise.

thanks for tagging @tyme I forgot to

trivia and billiards are both on in the afternoon. Billiards each week, trivia only once a month. By time electrician finished today, it was too late to consider going to billiards.

Trivia apparently is teams of 6 people. There is one game one afternoon each month, another each second week at night. Night one gets too noisy plus, due to their attitudes, I prefer not to socialise with the two that run it.

wednesday afternoon is run by different people and lot less noise. There is a degree of competitiveness as the winning team get to have the money given to them (each person puts in $2 to play).

I have lots of good memories of time with my dad prior to when I was early teenager. One memory involving one leg being accidentally being hit by a hammer. My dad was nailing floorboards on a hot afternoon. As his hand came up to top of full swing the hammer came sliding out of his sweaty hand and flying through the air toward me. No damage done to me apart from badly bruised. Became a topic of laughter and me teasing my dad weeks later

this ties into another post. Similar to things you have mentioned, I’ve got used to doing things or are aware of things and have just accepted them as “normal” ie just part of me and nothing else. Recently having become aware various things align with autistic traits it has left me with, possibly, unanswerable question of I am autistic.

talking to my best friend recently and the topic of autism came up. One son and grandson (ie father and son) have both recently been diagnosed with autism. My friend was telling me that lot of the aspects that formed their son’s diagnosis my friend also does and has for decades. I remember starting to laugh, some aspects that were mentioned align with me. With turning 63 within next few mths I don’t know if is worth even thinking about looking into possibly assessment

@Chasingsunsets

Happy childhood memories . Feel free to ask anything you wish to @AlwaysMyself

- first pet was an all black bantam, based on photos I’ve got I was about 3yo

- first pet rabbit prior to starting school

- first puppy prior to going to school

- first kittens mid primary school

- lots of different fruit trees in the backyard

- 2 rosellas in outdoor cage. Picking and feeding them ripe sunflower seeds

- 1 cage each of budgies and canaries in the kitchen from very young age. Canaries copying my mums whistle which brought the cats into the house

- first dolls house made by my parents, aunt, uncle, maternal grandmother **

- hand knitted toys my dad made ##

- hand knitted jumpers my dad made @@

- horse and goat in backyard at different times to each other

- my dad teaching me how to play snooker/billards

- my dad teaching my how to play darts

- the first hand sewn patchwork quilt I made

** dolls house for each girl, garage for each boy. Each family member working on different part of each including decorations

## one specific toy especially. Every cousin, neighbours child, work mates children all knitted this specific toy

@@. Every cousin, including eldest child of my eldest cousin, my dad knitted jumpers for. Memories of preschooler in next generation being very proud of multicoloured jumper

@AlwaysMyself @tyme @Chasingsunsets

Food for thought.

going to copy this and put into note book to discuss with my psych next week.

im thinking I need to leave myself reminder to discuss this with the psychiatrist, maybe in first appointment which is in mid June. I have already mentioned to psychiatrist on new patient info form to question “what do I want to get out of the appointments” is meds review