My silent battles

Last week was good @tyme. I even managed to win Mexican Trains on Tuesday plus got the lowest score on the table I was playing on Thursday night.

I managed to get home on Thursday before felt my mood crash. I’ve mentioned it to my psych in amongst other things I’ve identified as wanting help with.

Few weeks ago I received an email from an overseas genealogy business that I’m linked into, email mentioning the webinars. After replying to the email expressing my interest I received another email with information needed to create my login password. Different webinars, all with duration of approx 1hr, covering lots of different topics. Some topics very specific eg how to search for ancestors from country xxxx. Others general topics relating to research, different online tools and websites available.

forgot all about it today …oops. It’s free so now issues.

2 of the webinars/live videos today were about DNA misconceptions, another on Pitfalls of research. I can log in later and watch as on demand video

Cool stuff re the genealogy stuff. I never knew they even have such things @Flutterbug9 I sorta interested to see the type of people who are interested. Are they researchers? Or people who want to find their ancestors?

Have you ever done an ancestry test thingy?

I'd be curious to know mine.

And good on you for getting out to those social events. That's huge!

I"m sorry your mood crashed on Thurs. I hope you get the support you need.

How are things for you now?

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@Flutterbug9 wrote:

....psych sharing their view on psych/client relationship that isn’t working. Touched on items I have identified ... I want to talk about and unpack.

....

we talked about risk of power imbalance. Psych said they believe in, and try, to let the person (or child) decide the path to take. Similar with when starting the ‘counselling ‘ aspect including having the person set the pace, deciding limitations.

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😍This sounds so healthy. I am so glad you were able to talk to the psych about the fact that there are things you want to talk about which haven't been focused on yet. (Let me know if I misinterpreted that as the situation?)

I also strongly believe the patient/person needs to be the "driver" and the psych can help be the navigator 😊. So if the "driver" know where they want to go - away we go! But if the driver isn't sure where they want to go - then the navigator can throw some ideas/suggestions around for the driver to pick from and test out (and if they want to change their mind later, they can also put on the break, pull over, and decide on a new destination/road to visit instead).

I just find it hard to tell my counsellor where I'd like to drive to 🤣 because it feels awkward for me lol. But I can get around that by emailing or messaging her in advance, or being indirect by saying "what we spoke about the other time" or such. And if she's not sure what I'm talking about, then she can ask me direct questions which I then can answer with yes/no! 😅

.. how to "game" my own brain lol.

But that's because my counsellor does want me to explore where I want to - not her agenda (unless I ask her for what she thinks might be underlying things).

@Flutterbug9 ooh you have already a draft idea of the train track layout you want 😍. nice! Do you enjoy doing the planning? Do you have the idea in your head, or like to sketch it out? (either on paper or a digital software)

I'd never thought about schools having mandatory retention periods for school children reports - but it makes sense. I guess I'm used to it in medical fields, but never thought of it outside the legal business contexts. And often the legal realms (in things I've worked in) are "7 years / 18 years old + 7 years" (i.e. if the person is under 18, it's 7 years from when they are 18). But of course over time the laws can also change, so "grandfathering" of laws happens too. My main primary school I went to closed down a decade ago. I assume the schools you attended are still around? I hope you can get the reports/records you need/want 😊.

"the reports may have reached retention period. If so, makes the reason for hoping to get copy irrelevant."

I don't understand this comment, but possibly because I don't know the context for why you want them. 😊. Of course if they are not available, then they're not available. But I don't understand why that makes the reason you want them irrelevant? (Ps if it is for a neurodiversity assessment, whilst school records are preferable for most assessors, they can still do it without them. I know of places that actually don't use (or lend strong weight to) them for high-masking neurodivergent people because they understand that signs may not have been outwardly visible) -- not sure if this is encouraging to hear?

My handwriting with my left (as a child) was as neat as my handwriting with my right.

... but... that's not saying much because my handwriting was not neat with either hand. 🤣. But I could always do neat writing with either hand if I focused hard on it. But I think the right-hand felt easier to write at speed, and I guess it was probably just what was "expected" for me to do also? I don't remember. I just know I used to be able to do either hand if I wanted to and had time to be careful.

@Flutterbug9 I'm sorry that your cousins (and others) haven't believed you about what your life was like for you. I imagine that would feel really hurtful and isolating and would make me feel really angry and despairing if it were me. I get annoyed when people minimise my experience because of what they externally perceive. I realise this is why I don't mention things to my GP (not the MH one - my "regular" GP) and also why I never asked a doctor/psych about possible autism (because I was always told by my mum that "everyone relates to the traits... they're all normal human traits but along a continuum of how much" - so I was always told that I was "normal" with a few more-accentuated autistic-thinking-styles).

Even now, nearly a week after my mum sat in on a 3 hour autism assessment in which she was surprised to hear how many autistic traits I have been masking and "rationalising" and controlling behaviours based on "social rules".. and still (remember she is a trained counselling psychologist, right?) still she is surprised in the past week that I strongly-want (need for emotional regulation) to know what the plan is for the next day. She is still surprised when: she said she wanted to go to sit at a cafe (during a shopping trip) and I was happy to do so but then I didn't want to order anything for myself (but more than happy to sit while she did) so she got angry at me for not telling her I didn't want to order anything from the cafe when she had never asked me if I wanted anything until she was going to place the order. And somehow she expected me to predict that this would somehow make her angry that I didn't tell her I didn't want to order something? (noting that I was quite happy to sit at the cafe and not order anything - I was neither hungry nor thirsty; and I often go to cafes with friends and don't order things; and have done this before with her also when joining her & her friend - and she didn't get angry).

she fricken knows I am autistic now and she still doesn't it??
Oh, and she has no understanding still of why I struggled so much with shopping for new joggers today. We were at an outlet precinct, so I said I'd have a quick look in case I saw something I liked because mine are coming apart and need to be glued back together. But of course I want light & breathable shoes but I also want waterproof shoes -- and I don't really think both can co-exist? Plus I can't stand bright coloured (or white) shoes. And I don't want to pay $100+ unless it ticks all my boxes. So yeah, I hate shopping for shoes. But i did end up buying some at the 2nd shoe store. They're not breathable/light, but they're not bright-coloured and they will be water-proof in the rain/puddles. But they do have a high-ankle which I will have to get used to the feel of (she says they soften/bend more as they wear in too), and maybe I won't roll my ankles as much. And the best part? they were only $55 (on sale and further clearance lol). So it ticked all but 1 box so I figured that it would be best i would find for that price and weren't "visually offensive" to my feelings.

yeah... she still doesn't get it. but if it were a client explaining their autistic child's behaviour/feelings? she would understand it and be able to explain to THEM about the autistic brain & emotional dysregulation that was happening. I think it's just too much annoyance for her when it "impacts" her, rather than her clients? Like she doesn't want to have to change her expectations/interpretations of the world, but just thinks I should constantly mask and fight and keep it all to myself to make her/others happy? Even when these are things that don't affect her really. I went to look at the shoe shops whilst she was still looking at a different store(s) -- which is something we have always done, including her leaving a store I am still in.

*sigh* yeah.. people don't always get it eh?

I hate it when people don't believe or they minimise it for their own comfort.

Those in the presentation role and doing the talking are researchers. I’m guessing attendees are people researching and/or seeking to gain information about searching.

Ancestry test thingy? I’m guessing you are referring to DNA test @tyme I have done a DNA test, results allowed me to sort out who one of my biological ancestors was.

the country location of ancestors is about 90% correct.

with the research I’ve done, it appears good way to do DNA testing from a results aspect is to have various people on different generations take the test. Eg yourself, sibling/s, aunts, uncles, parents.

it can be quite interesting (and very time consuming) recording known information for as many generations as possible into an online program and then using research, computer generated suggestions to expand and add generations.

if you are thinking about tracing your family tree, depending on how much knowledge and facts you have, a low cost family tree maker book from Temu or similar could be a starting place. All the websites I use for researching and recording things involve subscriptions

mood wise I have ok days and low days (or periods of time during days). Thursday nights are the worst.

@Flutterbug9 I hope you enjoy the geneology webinars this weekend 😊. And yay for the blinds being installed this week (plus the electrician) !! 😍 That is exciting for you! and exciting for the cats too I'm sure if only they knew!

"other things I feel people don’t want to know about related to positive memories of my early years eg receiving hand made toys"

Ohh do tell me about your favourite handmade gifts if you want to -- childhood, adulthood, anytime! 😍 I love handmade things. 😊. I grew up being told/taught that handmade showed more love/care and time-investment than just a purchased item (unless that item was of course something they specifically wanted or was very much their interests). I will always value a homemade gift from someone even if its not a "me" gift, where as I will get internally-upset when someone has bought me a gift that is just so not me. E.g. candles. If it was homemade by the person, that's really sweet of them. But if it was bought and wasn't in a theme that is "very me" then I'd feel upset inside because they clearly don't know me at all. Likewise sugar-scrubs. Ick, not me. But every year I get homemade ones from my cousin's children -- and that is totally OK with me. But if someone bought it for me thinking I'd like it nope nope nope I'm worse than if they just never bothered to buy me anything (which is what my dad does! I get no gift usually these days because he "doesn't know what to get" and doesn't remember to ask me which is what my family have always done since I was a teen; we ask him every birthday, Christmas & fathers day if there are any ideas of what he wants! and he almost always has a few things on his want-list).

So yeah.. handmade gifts? Sign me up!

For now.. bed time. after midnight oops. But now I am revved up mentally and energy because of the mix of both chatting MH things and chatting handmade gifts 🤣. This is what happens now that I am off my anti-depressant medication lol. Time for me to wind down now, so hopefully asleep before 1am 😊.

I realise I have flooded you with long posts. Please do remember and know that I genuinely mean it when I say that you do not have to reply or read them within any specific timeframe (or ever, really - I mean, I like chatting with you. But you ALWAYS have the right not to!). So please do put YOURSELF and YOUR LIFE first. I know you have geneology webinars, and might have Sunday Movie, and then Tuesday night Mexican Trains (yay you won last week!) and Wednesday croquet and Thursday more Mexican trains! as well as the blind installation & electrician. You have a MASSIVE week on!

With the previous psych there was almost zero discussion about what I wanted. That psych had tunnel vision about therapy. Psych made it clear due to me having trauma that I had to do EMDR.

you interrupted correctly @AlwaysMyself. At end of couple of appointments comment was made of “we will continue to chat about this next time”. When next time came, it didn’t happen. It happened twice which left me with concerns a pattern was forming, a pattern I don’t want to have happen again.

I take a specific small note book with me. Gives me option to jot down things or refer back to notes I’ve written in between appointments. On one page there are x number of brief, one line items.

if putting things in writing prior to appointments works best for you, so be it. Main thing is feeling comfortable with the entire communication process. There is only one item on the list that fully links to traumatic event about 6 years ago. The others are small, semi linked things. I’ve not reached the point of feeling ok about diving into everything else.

the road analogy can be so true when working with the right person. I suspect this is how our conversations will continue.

No worries about the length of the posts @AlwaysMyself

Venting is an important thing for different reasons. Although venting has zero impact on the situation it gives one a voice. For me, venting helps get some of the strong, intense feelings out of my system (as compared to bottling everything)

I have been a victim of trauma bonding hence was wary at times when we starting sharing things about our experiences. Caution that no longer exists due to our chats. There is various similarities mixed with healthy differences that I see coming through in our posts. I’ll explain more sometime soon.

atm, and have had off and on for last couple weeks, is title of a song. It’s not the song that resonates, it’s the title, “I’ve never been to me” accompanied with the question “who is the true me” and associated thoughts that float in and out of processing part of my brain. Things I’m nowhere near ready to mention to MH specialist

DSP application may take mths to be processed. Doubt you would get much more info if you asked the direct question of Centrelink staff. Providing as much current supporting evidence from each and every specialist and GP, even if feels are going over the top or unsure if document is of benefit, is best option. Remembering also to provide answers based on worst days of impact of things. It’s the proverbial “airing the dirty laundry” situation

I will get back to you and respond to your posts, not sure when though. Between now and then, feel free to continue chatting to me anytime you want to, about anything

@AlwaysMyself @tyme @Chasingsunsets

Looks like my wednesdays might get a bit busier. 😀

where I live has its own FB group.

this morning on the FB page I’ve read that each Wednesday afternoon the (unofficial male only) billard room will be for females only who wish to enjoy an afternoon of billiards/snooker/ 8 ball etc.

one of the special memories I have was being taught how to play by my dad followed by endless number of games which were filled with fun and laughter.

Trivia is on at similar time but is only one Wednesday a month. Only day I’ve been to trivia this year there were 20 people in total. Instead of having 4 tables each of 5 players, there was 3 tables of 6 each plus 2 of us sitting on table on our own. Am waiting to see what happens this month, if no change to numbers and team arrangements, I won’t be going again.

Im hoping ladies billard/snooker afternoon is successful. Something I’m really interested in and hoping to get back to playing.