My silent battles

@Flutterbug9 re: Rejection sensitivity

Sending hugs 🤗🥰 and care. (And i don't tell lies - its part of my rigid thinking 😅, so you can trust this is genuine).

I have read that being sensitive to rejection is really common with ASD, ADHD, trauma, minority groups (eg CALD) etc etc -- and it makes sense to me.

My perspective (noting i have no research to back this up, just my life experience and cognition processing!)

Anyone who has experienced rejection, mistreatment and/or disconnect/misunderstanding tends to go two ways -- either they "shutdown" and put up walls to shut people out so they can't be hurt again, or they remain wanting connection with people and sitting in the pain from the past experiences and concern (whether anxiety or depression, etc) that it might happen again -- cue masking behaviours (to avoid doing anything to cause rejection) or "acting out" (as people may describe BPD behaviours which may actually be truama-repsonses, for example. Not saying i agree with this term, i just dont have a better way to explain it!) when triggered by someone's response that feels like "rejection".

I know that for me i get triggered by "injustice" and not having a voice. If i try to appropriately assert myself and then I am ignored (i.e. not acknowledged or discussed; people are however always OK to disgree with me -- i just want to understand why!) then that is a big trigger for me to meltdown (either shutdown or anger) because of the pain of not being heard or understood *again*. I guess this is "my version" or RSD-like responses, which i think is a bit different to many others. But i have read in the past 2 months that a sense of justice/injustice is common in autism (part of rigid thinking patterns perhaps?). However, it also makes me a great advocate for *other* people because i objectively assess the law/justice and can fight like a legal dog for them 🥰 and its meaningful to me. Harnessing strengths.

@Flutterbug9 @Blackcloud

(Reading/replying back at posts form 19 March still!)

I love that both of you think/process quite similarly to me 😊. We may have different triggers or ways that things present for us, but the root behind them when we delve into the thinking patterns - i relate a lot to both of you when you explain the inner push-pull turmoil 🥰.

I mean, i wish you two didnt experience this either (and @MissGremlin too, you're in this "i relate to your thinking too" at times as you know and i wish you didnt have to experience the pain either), but there is a small comfort i hope in knowing you are not alone. And its not because you're "broken", its just how we think naturally due to our brains (its not our "fault" or doing; just something we can be aware of).

@Flutterbug9

"craft items waiting to be finished, any advance on 9 1/2 yrs??"

This made me smile and laugh 😊🥰🤣.

Yes 100% same. It prompted me to look and find soemthing i had started making for someone 14 years ago and never completed. I sent them a photo and asked if they ever knew i was working on it -- they didn't! 🤣 but they thought it was both very sweet and (within recent ADHD diagnosis context) very funny.

Uncompleted craft projects is my life. When i told my mum i was diagnosed with "combined type" adhd she questioned the hyeractivity. One of my ex-boyfriends (still a family friend) was there and immediately suggested - "craft projects?" 🤣😅. He was my partner for over 2 years and he vould totally see it too 🤣, being late diagnosed ADHD himself (after we split) and also having an AuDHD daughter (who i always loved chatting with 🤣).

Ahh, how amazing to hear that your Loops work!! 😍 @Flutterbug9

How have your activities felt with them in?

Also, how was your psych appointment? Looking forward to hearing about it all.

Edit: I just saw your post about your appointment, thank you for the update! How validating to have someone really see you and understand how your mind works.

It sounds like their reflections really resonated with you and that you'd like to explore it further, is that right?

Also, I am so glad you have such wonderful people here to talk about this with. 🥰

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@Flutterbug9 wrote:

Feeling like a part of me has slowly been getting eroded away until there is almost nothing left. Almost nothing left to help me throw everything off. Saddens me to say, impact of it happening for weeks has shaken my trust and has left me deciding to take time for me away from the forums. Got the notification from your post and thought be best to respond and bring things into the air.

ive updating my settings now so no more notifications and am going MIA

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Sending hugs (even if you don't see them). I hear you. I am glad you spoke up and explained the RSD and reflected on it.

I'm really sorry you have felt like you have eroded away parts of you. That's very painful to experience. I know myself I have often had to sacrifice parts of my natural self to adjust to others also, and how I feel when I have to constantly do that resonates with how I am hearing you say you are feeling and the impact it has on you.

I will always support your decisions re: forum or no-forum, because I will always support your autonomy and need to put yourself first and reduce harm. 🤗. But this "radical acceptance" does not mean I don't want you around, only that I place your needs more important because I care deeply. Its the same with others who say they need to step away, or are unable to respond or provide support -- I am glad they are looking after themselves too, even though I do love chatting with them & you of course when I am also able to.

@AlwaysMyself Wrote

I don’t understand. Also the above mentions things I did not say

From a post dated 23 March in which I tagged you

@Flutterbug9 wrote @AlwaysMyself

wrote this to you in hope you understand how me recently being excluded (whether intentional or not) has been emotionally impacting on me

@AlwaysMyself this morning wrote

if you read the post again, you will see I did not say my actions have been eroding parts of me. I don’t understand how my words have been misinterpreted by yourself.

in post on 26 March I clearly said

as I said in post in which I tagged you, I’m not intending to cause you any upset.
impact of not being tagged etc have slowly been eroding parts of me until there is almost nothing left.

I dont understand how you have read the above words and, somehow, interpreted anything but what is clearly written.

i understand it can be challenging and/or upsetting to read words that hit sensitive spots or that indicate one’s actions/words have upset another person. Not intending to cause you upset by anything in this post

I'm sorry my post today sounds like (to me) it has triggered you, @Flutterbug9 . Of course not my intention. Thank you for explaining though, so I can clarify. 😊

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@Flutterbug9 wrote:

@AlwaysMyself Wrote

I don’t understand. Also the above mentions things I did not say

From a post dated 23 March in which I tagged you

@Flutterbug9 wrote @AlwaysMyself

wrote this to you in hope you understand how me recently being excluded (whether intentional or not) has been emotionally impacting on me

@AlwaysMyself this morning wrote

if you read the post again, you will see I did not say my actions have been eroding parts of me. I don’t understand how my words have been misinterpreted by yourself.

My post this morning did not indent to imply that your actions have eroded parts of yourself, but I can see why you interpreted it that way because:

1) I said "you have eroded away" -- I would have better said "you have felt parts of yourself are eroded". This is my mistake.

2) I then mentioned how I can recognise that at time my own actions have been at the expense of my true self.

"impact of not being tagged etc have slowly been eroding parts of me until there is almost nothing left."

I can see how you can perceive this as not your actions - indeed, the lack of tags are the actions of others (myself included).

...But I wonder if it the tagging that causes the erosion?

... Or is it is the RSD-internalisation (or other psychological responses) in response to the lack of tags that causes erosion? 🤔.

Does understanding why people may not have tagged in the post help to reduce the pain (and erosion) at all? 🤔

Still care for you, my friend. 🤗

“You have left like you have eroded away parts of yourself”

@AlwaysMyself, this is the exact wording which I don’t understand. The exact sentence I referred to as wording being that it’s my own actions etc

Types of posts I’m referring to

- update posts in which variety of other people tagged. Update including info that might have been contained info suitable and/or helpful for me to have read

- if someone does post containing info, outcome of research, interesting facts etc about medical ‘condition’. Eg BPD, Autism, OA etc.

to understand why not tagged would be helpful. Could stop the other aspects of RSD, aspects I’m aware that others on the forums also struggle with

Remember, my brain reads

not invited or tagged = excluded and not wanted, that a person has excluded me as they don’t want to know and read posts or attend social event.
I deal with the same emotional distress and mental anguish with things off the forums.

One of the best explainations about RSD and the impacts I’ve found in last couple of weeks

@Flutterbug9 I will say this directly, but I say it with love and care not with judgement or rejection. Please keep this in mind as you read it. I tried to say this less directly, but I don't think you understood (which is fine 😊) which is why I will now say it more directly. I really hope this doesn't upset you, but I am concerned it might. And remember also I experience the pain of having to adjust my actions to others, which includes with you - but I care about you enough to do it willingly. Because you are worth it.

I perceive that your emotional reaction to not being tagged is your responsibility and your "actions".

Actions you could take include politely and curiously enquiring about why you weren't tagged - rather than assuming it was due to rejection. That is within your control.

I have explained to you numerous times why I don't always tag people in posts. And why some posts I tag only certain people. But that it is never about excluding others -- this is a public forum, and my posts are open to be read and responded to by anyone. It is not my responsibility to manage your emotional reaction if I have been polite, friendly, supporting, etc. I want a friendship with you, but I will not keep repeating the same thing because it is not helping me and it doesn't appear to make a difference to you for the next time the equivalent scenario happens. I don't have the time or emotional energy to do this every few posts or even once a week in-depth. I want to chat with you, I like you, you are interesting and well-intent. But I cannot take on the emotional load of helping manage your RSD this often, and it is not my responsibility. Even though I care for and love you as a friend. I am capable of loving a person even if I don't like all their behaviours; I separate the "person" from their "actions" when appropriate/healthy.

It's not just you that I don't tag in my posts. Have a look and you might notice you get tagged much more often than other people - because you have expressed a desire to be tagged more often. I have adjusted my actions to your behaviours/requests already, but now I am feeling that you do not recognise or value that (but that is on me to manage my emotions towards that, that is not on you to worry about 😊. My reaction is that I seek to understand and rationalise your emotional response within the context of your past experiences, and that I still care about you and like you as a person).

I will also remind you that you asked me not to tag you with links, that you don't want advice unless you explicitly ask. Then add to this that in the past I have sometimes tagged you in something about myself and you have misunderstood and thought I was tagging you because of wanting something from you or that I thought it was also relevant to your experience/situation and that seemed to make you upset/triggered. This makes me hesitant to tag you because your reaction is unpredictable and I cannot know whether you will be upset at not being tagged or be upset because you misunderstood me. I thus err on the path of "less harm" by not tagging you unless I am able to explicitly state why I am tagging you - but that is a lot of extra mental effort and time for me, and often I don't have that capacity. So instead I have a blanket rule that everyone who interacts with me here will probably have read (plus it's the forum Guidelines/rules!) ---- anyone is welcome to read and respond to my posts.

I'm not sure if you have noticed, you have ignored all the other parts of my posts and only commented on the part that you felt hurt from. I know there can be many reasons for this, and that's OK - I accept that. I just want to highlight this, as it makes the communication between us unbalanced and weighted towards stressful encounters for us both.

Remember:

I say it with love and care not with judgement or rejection.

I care about you enough to do it willingly. Because you are worth it.

I want to chat with you, I like you, you are interesting and well-intent.

@moderator please let me know if I have said anything "wrong" or unreasonable here. It is not my intent, and I am always open to feedback. Please view this in context of my previous post too.

@AlwaysMyself

I enjoyed the chats we used to have. Maybe we can continue with similar chats at some stage.

im aware you have lot of appointments and other things happening currently, these greatly reducing you available time.

based on this, I will continue to try to limit posts I tag you in, unless I hear differently from you, plus number of posts I initiate

hoping the trial starts sooner rather than later.

hoping whatever medication they use (I’m aware you are limited with things you can say) are beneficial for you and have a positive impact on how you are currently feeling, both currently plus long term.

Hoping medical science and MH services are able to find things that will improve your overall health so you can enjoy everyday, doing anything and everything you would like to do