Just need some friends

Hey @papermoon ,

That sounds so hard. Grief is real. It is totally valid you are feeling this way, and I suppose the upheaval it has brought you has been massive - having to move back home, not having employment.

I know you mentioned you go to gigs. What else do you enjoy doing?

Can you think of anything that will bring back that spark in your life?

Hi @Honeymoon

thanks for your message. I use Lifeline all the time, as well as Mensline and sometimes beyond blue as well.

yeah it definitely doesn’t feel like time helps. So far, time has only made it worse. After abuse, betrayal and abandonment the ongoing silence and distance from her, over time, is like new daggers everyday and the stress takes its toll on my physical health. I think about her all the time and have alot of difficulty sleeping. The nights are distressing. It’s hard being emotionally overwhelmed all the time.

So sorry to hear how hard it is, especially in the evenings @papermoon .

I'm hearing you. Good on you for reaching out to services when you feel you need to talk to someone.

Have you ever contacted Griefline? https://griefline.org.au/

Thank you for replying @papermoon , and sharing more about how this has been impacting you. I understand that this doesn't feel like something that fades with time and is more like fresh grief every day at the moment. It makes sense that your body is feeling it too as ongoing stress, poor sleep, and constant rumination can really take a toll physically.

Is there anything that's helped distract you (even for small moments), or tools you've found help improve sleep? Feel free to let the community know how you'd like support, within the bounds of the Forums space.

The fact that you're also reaching out to LifeLine and MensLine tells me that you're actively taking steps to cope, even when it feels unbearable. That matters, and is so important to keep doing. The kind of situation you've described is extremely heavy to work through - but there is hope for your future and healing.

Know that we're here with you, and you aren't alone in going through this.

~ @Honeymoon

@tyme thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness, your time, and providing the link to where I can access more support.

@Honeymoon thanks for your message. Nothing yet has helped distract me. I’ve tried many, many things over the 15 months.

My grief is multi layered and there’s a ton of self loathing in it, as it’s deep, deep hurt with patterns and unresolved trauma that’s pulled from other things as well. And that hurt is so raw and ugly and I can hurt other people, never physically, but deeply insult and drive people away. I’ve lost everyone close to me.

It’s very hard to have self compassion for myself when I have behaved so abhorrently, over the course of my life whilst always trying to be a better person. There’s some inherent quality in me and in my mother’s side of the family I think. A meanness.

It’s hard to find self acceptance when you’re a person that transfers your hurt onto others. I find it repulsive. But I have that destructive streak - historically it has been furniture and walls physical inanimate objects but also relationships and myself. I used drugs for a 15 year period at an earlier point in my life with no regard to my own health. Lately the self destruction has taken the form of near continuous suicidal ideation.

I’m trying to become really detached and comfortable being alone. I don’t want to inflict myself on anyone anymore.

tools to sleep - at 8pm I start a wind down routine, I put my phone in another room on charge and I play some soft music through a blue tooth speaker. Then I spend the next couple of hours doing a variety of stuff, cognitive behavioural therapy, journalling, meditation, drinking water, drawing, painting, grounding exercises, and sometimes just allowing myself to lay there without doing anything at all, allowing myself to feel boredom. I take melatonin on some nights.

none of it really works that well as the nights are very distressing and hard. I can’t stand the silence so I play the music all night. I tried white noise but that didn’t help and I prefer soft, relaxing music. I hug the speaker to my chest and it seems to slightly alleviate the emotional pain and waves.

I completely hear you @papermoon , I can hear how much pain and self-blame you are carrying - it sounds exhausting, especially when sleep is a struggle despite doing all the right things to help improve it (which isn't easy when you're incredibly low - so it's great you are trying.)

I'm really glad you've been reaching out to support lines - and as @tyme suggested, Griefline may be that next support that really helps, where you can speak specifically about this major loss.

You're not "repulsive" for struggling whatsoever. You're in a lot of pain, and you have our support💛

~ @Honeymoon

Oh thanks @Honeymoon but to clarify I meant that I find it repulsive that I’m a person who transfers my hurt onto others.

Thanks for clarifying @papermoon , you have a lot of self awareness , which is integral to change.

and you're most welcome, I hope you've found some comfort in knowing you aren't alone and that there are more support options out there💛

Recovery is for yourself @papermoon .

Others around, and here, are there to support you.

It's a place many others here have been.

You are not alone.