heartathomeSenior Contributor
Heartathome
@REDLINEZ750 I'm trying to make my own little space. Sometimes I realize there is no personal space on here. I know it's for our good but it kinda sucks at times! Are you okay?
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Heartathome
710 replies
In response to: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
Probably 😏 Unless you don't care who has your number. You could edit it? Do you remember what thread you were on when you posted it? The moderators can delete it, if you want. 💛
In response to: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
Good night @REDLINEZ750 Sweet dreams my friend! It's been great to catch up with you this evening!
In response to: Re: Heartathome
REDLINEZ750Senior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
It's always a pleasure catching up with you my @heartathome friend .
Syou most likely horizontal now
Sleep well have fun with the fairies
In response to: Re: Heartathome
REDLINEZ750Senior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
Good morning @heartathome
Guess who wakes up early in the mornings now aha
I hope you have good day
In response to: Re: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
😲 Wow. That's different getting up when the birds do @REDLINEZ750 ! I didn't expect to see you on here this early! Good morning my friend! 💛
In response to: Re: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
INJUSTICE
Injustice is a fact of life
It happens every day
Our reaction is a choice
To forgive or make them pay
"Give hurt to God" people say
I have to wonder how
I struggle with two worlds within
I seek the justice now
A silent world to show the pain
I'll make you pay somehow
If that doesn't work, there's more to come
I'll pick until we row
You are wrong; I am right
I want it stamped and sealed
I want justice; it belongs to me
Retaliation; that's my shield
My own defences are cruel and low
I care but can't show how
I want that apology that you owe
I'll fight until you bow
It's not the way I want to be
But it happens every time
It's wrong; I know; I want to change
But who will pay the crime?
Holding onto hurt does what?
Does it cause them pain?
Does it help when both lose out?
What does it really gain?
satan, I'm sure sit's back and laughs
Pride is his special tool
he gets his way while conflict lasts
It's him, not God who rules
Seeking justice with the rage
Will never bring me gain
It's not God's way and never will
I need to feel the pain
It hurts I cry; it shouldn't be
This person has to pay
I wonder how Jesus must have felt
On the cross that day
Many times, He suffered unfairly
His life was so unjust
He taught us many things while here
Forgiveness seems a must
They spat on Him; they called Him names
They lied and cheated too
How did He make these people pay?
Just what did this man do?
He loved them while they wanted Him dead
He loved them while they lied
He loved them as they nailed His hands
He forgave them as He died
We love the Lord but not each other
No excuses now
Jesus tells us what to do
His life will show us how
He didn't say it would be easy
In fact, He knew we'd fall
That's why He stayed upon the cross
He waits for us to call
The longer we hold our hurts and pain
The more resentment grows
The tighter and closer we hold it now
Means the harder it'll be to let go
It's up to us, what we choose
God won't force His way
We choose to get what is due
Or love and forgive this day
Look at Jesus; go His way
I know it's for our best
Although it's hard, it's worth the effort
His life has promised rest.
December 1995 (30 years ago)
I just want to say that this is what God was saying to ME at the time. He may not be telling you the same thing! Let me tell you forgiveness is still an ongoing process!
@REDLINEZ750
In response to: Re: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
MINUS JOY
Unfulfilled and lonely
What is my life for?
Where's the joy I crave so much?
Against hope there is a war!
Filled with endless joy and love
Aren't I supposed to be?
Truth be known; it's not here
It's not inside of me
There's nothing past that I want
It was a lonely road
Can I hope for anymore
Then what I have been showed?
Unlovable and unwanted
Thoughts inside of me
I often wonder what use I am
My desire is to see
Why is it I'm not happy?
I know that I am blessed
Yet it's hard for me to see that God wants
Nothing but my best
Don't get me wrong; I'm okay
A survivor's strength of will
Life goes on but what it offers
Doesn't seem to fill
I'm tired and lonely; sad in fact
But I'm so ashamed to say
I should be grateful for everything
But I just don't feel that way
What do I need to make me happy?
I'm searching but I don't know
I've got a child; I've had a man
There's no fulfilment though
Nevertheless, life goes on
For some reason, I am here
My only hope is Jesus Christ
At least I know He's near
A deep detachment in my life
To say otherwise would be wrong
To be honest I have to say
I'm really not that strong
I'll praise the Lord anyway
It could always be much worse
Instead of living with His favour
I could be living with His curse
I guess it's not all that bad
It only feels that way
I'll look ahead and remind myself
Tomorrows another day
July 2000
I'm going through all my poems and putting them up here @REDLINEZ750 No need to read them now. They're not going anywhere!
In response to: Re: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
Maybe a trigger @moderator I don't know how to put the sign on it.
Content/trigger warning
*TRIGGER - INCEST* *TRIGGER - INCEST* *TRIGGER - INCEST*
BETRAYAL OF INNOCENCE
The mask goes on to hide the pain
A child inside screams
A painted face: I laugh aloud
But I emerge in dreams
Alone and hurt, I wish I knew
How to let it go
I must have asked for this somehow
Guilt chokes me as I grow
The fear I felt, I can't explain
A paralysing fear
A haunting fear that often says
You know I'm always near
I've talked it out; I think I'm healed
But it doesn't go away
It returns to me once more
It's going to make me pay
I can't make you understand
I wish I could some how
I hear the questions in your heart
That was then, not now
You wonder why I didn't fight
Why I can't let go
You think I brought this on myself
Why didn't I say no?
You think I'm soft; no guts you say
You could have told someone
Forget it now; it's in the past
What's been done is done
These thoughts, they put me down, you know
I think I'm not okay
If you don't understand
Please think before you say
If you want to understand
Then ask but listen too
Try to put yourself in there
I wonder what you'd do
It's easy to think, well, I'd do this
But it's different when you're there
You may never understand
But you can show you care
July 1996 💛
I hope this isn't a trigger!! @REDLINEZ750 Let me know if it is and I'll take it down! Remember, I wrote this 30 years ago. It was written in the early years of therapy.
In response to: Re: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
TO FEEL WORTHWHILE
God, is there any pleasing You?
Can I make you proud of me?
I'm looking for your approval
But inherent evil is all I see
Do you care if I do well?
Are you happy when I do?
Is your acceptance connected to
what I do for You?
If I'm saved regardless
Of what I say or do
Then what's the point of trying
The impossible of pleasing You
Redemption and grace are words I hear
But words don't mean a lot
I want to feel your approval
And feel it, I do not!
Buddhism I find easier
Karma seems so just
Try as I might, I don't believe
Buddha, I don't trust
Jesus is so real to me
I know I'm not alone
He'll help me as I battle through
The mindset that I've known
It's a works mentality
That somehow suits control
But it doesn't help me when I need
To trust God to make me whole
I trust **** with my emotions
Even though he'll leave
What stops me from trusting God?
How God must grieve
**** accepts me as I am
At least it seems that way
Yet I can't seem to please God
I disappoint Him everyday
I don't read His Word much
I don't sit and pray
Why bother with Christianity
I can hear you say
I'm afraid of hell; I believe in that
I want to feel I'm safe
There's one word that stands out
And that word is faith
Where is faith when I feel
I'm evil and somehow wrong?
How I wish to feel worthwhile
It's something that I long
I guess I'm asking You, God
For faith to feel worthwhile
To feel Your approval and acceptance
Of me, your needy child
February 2001
I'm on a roll! @REDLINEZ750 I have nothing else I'd rather be doing at the moment. It feels good to put them 'out there'. Don't feel obliged to read them! I don't want them to bring you down! Just remember that I don't feel the same anymore. 💛
In response to: Re: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
@moderator (this is my secret little thread with all my poetry @MissGremlin - please be careful, my poems can be very triggering. My abuse was like the movie Lolita. Feel free to have a look around. You're the first one here apart from the moderators and redline) 💜
*TRIGGER WARNING - INCEST* *TRIGGER WARNING - INCEST*
This is about a sexualized adult talking to her therapist, her perpetrator and the world
It is a very long poem to my therapist after a couple of weeks of therapy. I became obsessed with him because he wouldn't 'show' me that I was worthwhile. At this stage, his rejection became my failure. I also 'speak' to my perpetrator and the world. I was full of rage! I had suicidal ideation throughout the first three years of therapy. 💛
Content/trigger warning
I HATE YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
I wanted your rejection
I needed to see your face
I didn't feel unwanted
though I had to leave in haste
It's so enormous, what's ahead
To relive each nightmare past
Every emotion that I feel
Each one could be my last
It hasn't been given a name yet
Not between us, I mean
I want to call it what it is
What happened as a teen
I don't want to face this
Wholeness gets me in
I want to run; must stop this pain
What must I do to win?
Why do you want to help me
And hurt me so bad as well
This is f***ing madness
It's easier to sell!!
I don't want to be accountable
For my acting out
I don't understand it anyway
And my guilt, I can't doubt
I'm so scared of what's ahead
You could hurt me more
I don't know which way to turn
It may be better to ignore
So, f*** you uncle for forcing me
It was good until you changed
I thought you loved me for myself
But for you it was a game
You hurt me bad, I can't begin
To tell you of my pain
I don't want to feel no more
I might just go insane!!
I hate this world and what it offers
For me it brings no joy
God knew what He was doing
When I had my little boy!
I can't give up and let him down
He didn't ask for this!
How to 'live' with this inside
I must have somehow missed
I can't feel; it hurts too much
Please don't ask me to try
Right now, I want to stay in bed
And just curl up and d**
Who would care; life goes on
Who really gives a shit?
My life and love are thrown around
In tiny little bits!
I certainly don't feel ready for this
I'm really not that sure
I'm going to take each passing day
Be warned; this could be war!
Do you feel good when you reject me?
Do you like the feel?
Have you wanted to touch your daughter
To give her some new deal?
Doesn't it happen all the time?
Why aren't you the same?
Why aren't you f***ed like all the rest
so, I've got you to blame?
You know what I want from you now
And I'm crying deep within
I wish he felt the pain I feel
Instead, I'm punished for him
So, here we go, a little each week
I'm not happy that I'm here
You don't know what I feel
And you'll never know the fear!
Good for you; f*** you all!
I hate you, everyone!
Prayers of a child's heart
I wish I had a gun
I wouldn't shoot; it's all too quick
I want to see you beg
I hate him, what he did to me
Why aren't I rather dead?
You're just as bad! I hate you more
For your happy home and life
What do you know about rejection?
You've got your kids and wife!
I hate all you keep within
I hate your professional role
Yes. It f**** me; I can't win
And I can't reach my goal
I want to make you sorry now
That you ever messed with me
But if I die or *** myself
I'll hurt myself, you see
Nothing I do can make you pay
So, I just want to go
I can't win anyway with you
Cause what's ahead you know
You've got me in; I want to know
Is this some fantasy?
Is there healing up ahead?
Is wholeness there for me?
You won't accept my body
And help me feel worthwhile
Yet you won't believe I am worthless
I kind of like that style
You won't accept my neediness
And try and rescue me
You want me accountable for myself
Do you believe in me?
I'm begging you to love me more
For a reason I don't know
I'll just come by every week
Until it starts to show
I'm still waiting patiently
For the time you'll have enough
I'll go too far and you'll react
You'll reject all that stuff
You must reject me; it's bound to come
It's too frightening otherwise
You can't strip me down to me
I must keep up the disguise
I love and hate you for what you've done
And what you're trying to do
I know you care professionally
For me, it's all so new
It won't stop me wanting you
To make you fall or trip
There's more rejection I must see
So, I can lose my grip
It doesn't matter, it's for me
I'm going to write a book
You will know if I do
For me, what healing took
My hope is wholeness as books talk of
With God, a richer life
To know a peace within myself
To live without the strife!
Is it possible? God only knows
But because He cares for me
He won't leave me, no matter what
One day I could be free!
Not for a minute think this is it
There is a lot to come
You will see as we go on
And shit, is there some!
What if I'm too much for you
And you have to let me go?
I need your word that you'll go on through
And what if you say no?
I need to know you'll stay with me
Until the very end
I'm so afraid I'll go too far
Too far for me to mend
I guess rejection's better now
Then in a month or two
I want to know if you'll commit
And promise to see me through
I need your word; you've got my heart
My emotions, you'll undress
A paralyzing fear within me screams
Can't you see that I'm a mess!
Please don't promise you'll stay
And later change your mind
I couldn't take that hurt again
Because you are so kind
Think ahead before you promise
Especially to me
I'm trusting you to your word
\Whatever that may be
I'm trying hard to believe in you
But it doesn't want to be
The fear almost overrides
Everything I see
You've been honest up to now
But I know what's up ahead
I know the mess, the hurt and pain
And I hold fear and dread!
I want to trust you; believe you care
To see me healed and whole
But if you don't see me through
It will k** my soul!
Do I trust you, take your word?
Will you say goodbye?
I've been there many times before
I know that I'll survive
So, once again, f**k you all!
I hate you f***ing scum!
I can always go within
And make my feelings numb!
I've lived like that most my life
And I don't need support!
I don't need. Not anyone
Remember, I've been taught
So do your worst, I don't care
You can do whatever!
You can't break me, not no more
You didn't, won't, never will!
March 2000
@REDLINEZ750 This is probably the worst I've got. Just starting therapy! 💛
