Heartathome

As a Christian in a new marriage (DV), I was trying to work through our lack of communication. I tried to change him. That's a laugh! I tried to see where I could help. Where I was wrong. The marriage was over in eighteen months.

COMMUNICATION

Words in the open bring conflict and pain

Hidden within destroy what we've gained

I've tried different ways, trying to adapt

I feel so alone and I feel trapped

I don't know what to do, we talk less each day

My feelings bound as they have no say

To him, it's silliness, frightening to me

Afraid of our future, how long can this be?

Interrupting means you don't want to hear

What are you doing, defending from fear?

When can I express with freedom, to talk?

To be listened to lovingly is a hopeful walk

Depression is seen as my problem alone

I avoid the return words, the expression and tone

How do I tell him I need a friend with an ear

An effort to understand, wanting to hear?

He says go to Lifeline or someone who cares

No interest in my feelings, they're not to be shared

He doesn't see it this way so neither should I

But the fact is I do, please hear my cry

How can I achieve this, what must I do?

The pain this is causing me if only he knew

Feeling so down, so worthless and weak

Communication with you is what I seek

He's doing so well, he's doing his best

To ask for more, when can he rest?

I know it's not easy, it's more of an art

But I know without it, we'll surely part

To be learnt and practised, building trust

I will protect this marriage of ours

I dread the conflict but a future without

I can't imagine how

Frozen words for fear of hurt

He doesn't understand

Are my thoughts of any value?

Reassurance is in your hands

Alone with God, I ask for help

Lord, please talk to me

Words come that I don't expect

With His eyes I see

Change begins with me first

It becomes more than words

A gentle and quiet spirit within

Not a stampeding herd

Don't be selfish, build him up

Be pure in heart and mind

Love him with a tender heart

And contentment you will find

Our vows were to love, not reform

A way of life our hearts to warm

The if's and but's condition to cease

Love and acceptance through Jesus bring peace

Change yourself and change will come

This is my call as a wife and mum

November 1995

@Realness @MissGremlin @REDLINEZ750

I wrote this, as a Christian, trying to work through the conflict in my marriage. I didn't realise It was domestic violence at this stage. I didn't help the situation either as I am pretty outspoken. 💜

CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE

When things are looking down

And you feel like giving up

Remember, others have been there too

They know it can be tough

Fighting's natural, it is the norm

Especially at the start

We struggle for power, the strength we have

Tears and pulls the heart

We want to know where we stand

We want to think we've won

We expect our mate to behave our way

When all is said and done

Expectations, that way too rough

The other half defends

I will always stand and fight

Because I'm okay as I am

We bring so much from our past

Our hurt, our ways, our dreams

We want our mate to be like us

Is the same a perfect dream?

We're all different, we're made like that

Acceptance is a start

We're not here to change each other

That comes from the heart

Criticising doesn't help

It will only cause them pain

They will fight to defend themselves

and neither one will gain

Self-righteousness rears its head

We're out to prove we're right

Manipulate to get our way

Will cause another fight

Let things be the way they are

Take responsibility for what is yours

The rest let go, you can't control

No need to look for the cause

If you look for justice when you're wronged

Disappointment you will find

It only offers bitter conflict

Each and every time

Ask yourself, what it was you liked

When you married your mate

If you look, you'll find those things

Give up on what you hate

Accept the day and what it brings

The high points and the low

If we make another day

In some way we will grow

At times it's tough, at others fine

We all experience this

Nothings perfect, that's for sure

Theres days we'd rather miss

Hang in there, God can help

We have to hope in Him

When all is lost and nothings left

All we have is Him

He will help us see the truth

It's often painful too

He works on us, not the other

He tells us what to do

He has to begin on us, you see

Because reaction starts within

Whoever seeks His help will find

Release from hidden sin

December 1995

@Realness @tyme @MissGremlin @REDLINEZ750

Hi @heartathome ,

Thanks for sharing Communication (1995) and Conflict in Marriage (1995). In both of them I feel like I'm right there with you trying to navigate marriage.

I hope you're having a nice day.

Hey @Realness

I've written out two poems and deleted them. They were about my need for love. After my perpetrator disappeared, I thought I deserved to be on my own! I felt manipulated and used and pushed everyone away who wanted to be my friend. I didn't trust anyone! My mother was my worst enemy at that stage.

I still feel embarrassed and ashamed for wanting to be loved. I hate having this need/ want! I feel it is a weak want/ need.

I thought I needed a man to make me whole again (thoughts and feelings from abuse) I searched for that more than half of my life with no success! Funny that! (sarcasm) Maybe I was looking to be rescued, like my perpetrator rescued me. Hmmm

I had come out of the DV marriage, where my husband was a Christian. I had also come out of the Pentecostal cult and my son's father was taking me to court for custody while I was attending the 'church' He pulled out the day before the court case. My son was two. I now understand his concern!

Of course, God is in most of my poems, in one way or another. He has never let me go! 💜

Hi @heartathome ,

Thanks for your post. My mind has all sorts of thoughts after reading your post. These are just my thoughts - I don't know if I'm right or wrong on all of it. But I'm going to share them anyway just in case there is a bit of truth to them.

The first thought I had about people's need for love was that it comes from God. In God creating Eve as a suitable helper for Adam He confirms people have a need for human companionship. But even so our first love should be God (who we should worship) and then secondly love for and from our human companions.

The next thought I had was that what happens in abuse is obviously different to what God had in mind. Grooming behaviour selfishly worships a person. It creates confusion that worship is love in the victim. The victim longs for that level of attention again. Perhaps the victim loses the ability to recognise real love.

My next thought is that it's more complicated than that with child abuse because the child doesn't have the cognitive, emotional or physical maturity to process it. It takes away the child's self worth and creates huge trust issues. Of course you would be pushing people away after someone who appeared to value you that much disappeared. Push them away before they disappear. Of course you didn't trust anyone.

But coming back to wanting to be loved we come back to God Who did set up marriage as the prominent pattern for men and women to receive companionship. I think even the most self-assured single adult, aware of God's love for them, has some yearning to be in a good marriage. It's the ideal. It's an ideal God created. But in the same way that parenting requires 24/7 unconditional love a good marriage requires 24/7 unconditional love.

I'm also very thankful for God's complete love. That He has both of us securely in His grasp and He will never let go. That His love lessens the yearning for that perfect marriage.

Poem and graphics by @REDLINEZ750 I had his permission to post it many months ago but have only just now been able to work out how to put it up. 💜

@Realness @MissGremlin @Bunniekins @Chasingsunsets   

I've just read back. Thank you so much for sharing. I can see that writing the poem has been a way to process what was happening @heartathome

What is it like to reflect back on it some 10 years later?

Thanks for asking about my thoughts after writing out my poems @tyme

Any DV poem does not affect me as much anymore.

Some of the other poems regarding my childhood abuse and the Pentecostal cult have triggered me and I'm struggling a bit trying to piece it altogether, but this time understanding a bit more!

The ones I haven't posted are bothering me the most, but I'll work that out in time as well. I can't wait to talk to my psychiatrist as he understands my past trauma and how it still affects me today. I hope you're doing okay today, Tyme 💜