Heartathome

Hi @heartathome ,

Sorry for the slow reply. I thought it important to continue reading Scripture before I replied so that God can help me with the words. Thank you for sharing more.

It was inevitable that the abuse from your uncle would swallow you up. You were a child. Children can't process that level of physical intimacy. How to continue on with life when you're stuck back at something that is impossible to process?

The week with your mother sounds amazing. How emotionally strong are you to have that conversation and confront her. Did it help that your mother said sorry? Or was it all too late? I wonder about her response after you told her when you were sixteen - did she ban your uncle from the home or take any other action?

Again it's taking forever to write this. One sentence every ten minutes or so.

It is an impossible injury! You're right and amazing to share your experience because it is an injury that doesn't go away.

I'm very thankful you're still with us. You lead a successful life and show what's possible while always acknowledging the impact of child abuse on a person's life. Please keep sharing.

I hope that each truth made explicit for the first time is healing. You were a child. The adults around you are meant to protect you not violate you. It's not your fault. It doesn't make you a bad person.

I think perhaps the sentences are out of order but I'm not sure what the best order is. Please disregard any words that are not helpful.

Always put God first, @Realness !!!

Thank you. I hope all this sharing isn't too much! After reading all this, you still want to be my friend? Maybe wait for the next poem before you answer. 😁 The next poem is called Salvation Requirements (I might change the name) and was written after I left the cult. You'll see the twisted beliefs I held.

Children can't process that level of physical intimacy I honestly thought I could, @Realness He treated me like an adult, and I liked it.

something that is impossible to process I think I will be able to process it with the help of my psychiatrist and a male friend (not in person) that is supporting me through the process. God is with me as He has been throughout my life! I know Jesus is with me and watching over me. That's all I can say at the moment regarding my relationship with God. I feel very blessed to have some great supports in my life, including yourself.

Did it help that your mother said sorry? Absolutely! I told her we could only have a superficial relationship otherwise (as we had up until then) She opened up to me and told me of regrets she had throughout her life.

This was all before making a statement to the police to have him charged. That was a four-year process.

I wonder about her response after you told her when you were sixteen - did she ban your uncle from the home or take any other action? I still wonder the same thing, Realness! I did used to tell her how much I hated her everyday while this was going on at 16. I was unapproachable to most people because I was full of rage! She was probably scared of me back then. I really don't know! I'm not even sure if she ever believed me but I was never told I was a liar by her (that's a blessing) My uncle tried to get me to go and stay with him at his place. My mother thought it was a lovely idea. I said no numerous times. My mother told me how ungrateful I was after everything he had done for me. My uncle got the picture and disappeared until his mother's funeral many years later. We did speak but I can't remember what I said. Dissociation. Only way to survive back then. I came home and cut all my hair off. The only way to fix it was to get a friend to shave it.

Again it's taking forever to write this. I totally get it! They are long posts and not easy to know what to say or ask. Same with replying. Please don't feel obliged to reply in depth or at all. I just don't want my stuff to bring you down!

I hope that each truth made explicit for the first time is healing. It is! I'm seeing that I'm okay and my feelings are normal. I was told this over 25 years ago by my psych.

I obviously, needed reminding! I thank God for that! 💜

I wrote this after coming out of a Pentecostal cult for a couple of years. This shows one of the questions I had for God when I left the 'church'. I was very confused and felt I just wasn't good enough as a Christian. I felt berated by the Bible and those that were teaching me. I still struggle to have an intimate relationship with God today! I'm just glad that He won't let me go and doesn't let me walk alone!

Salvation Requirements

Because of the fall, sin came in

There was nothing I could do

I have no control over what they did

And they didn't have a clue

So, sin is in me, a part of life

This is what I'm taught

Sin separated man from God

So, sacrifice was sought

God sent His Son, Jesus down

He lived to die for me

When I accepted Him, His free gift

Supposedly set me free

Is it simply about accepting Him

And what He's done for me

Or are there requirements I must meet

In order to keep my spiritual safety?

Is salvation really free?

What about the Word of God?

What about the lists of do's and don't's?

The threats, I'd call His rod

They say salvation is not about works

Although to me it seems it is

Why would rules be written down

If it's not the will of His

I hear about this so called will

Rules show it can't be done

But with the Lord, they tell me

I have victory because He won

There's a list of hidden rules

And I try to do my best

I feel not good enough

Where God has promised rest

If I'm sorry for being sinful

But aware no sins been committed

Because I'm sinful anyway

Is guilt to be admitted

The Bible tells me I'll go to hell

If I act a certain way

A free gift with a hidden clause

Just to make my day!

If I can't win either way

Then, what's the point of trying?

And isn't trying to be the best

Works, which leads to dying?

Aren't I suppossed to feel something

Other than worthlessness and guilt?

I thought I was a special flower

When I think of God, it wilts

Sometimes I'm a blessed child

Yet other times I'm not

At times the Bible builds me up

Then seems to take the lot

I don't know where I stand with God

In regard to works and hell

Is salvation a free gift?

Honestly, I can't tell

Am I forgiven for what's ahead

Or only in the past?

Is salvation safe to hold?

Can I depend on it to last?

So many questions posed to God

I hope He answers some

I know He will, 'cause He's like that

So, I'll wait until they come

God knows my broken heart

He knows how to lead

His Ways sure aren't like mine

But still, He's what I need

I could never deny God

Or what He's done for me

Although I'm angry and very scared

I know He hears my plea

I must believe that God is good

There's much I don't understand

But one thing I'm certain of

His Hand is in my hand!

February 2001

@Realness @MissGremlin @tyme @REDLINEZ750

Hi @heartathome ,

Of course, I still want to be your friend. It is a honour to receive this level of sharing. (Just to clarify I'm replying to your second last post - I've not read your next poem yet.)

I'm thrilled for you that you think you will be able to process it. I'm thinking a big part of the healing comes with honestly making each part explicit. Is that what you're thinking? As each part becomes explicit it loses its power.

Time to read your next poem.

Hi @heartathome ,

As I read Salvation Requirements from 2001 I wondered if you still write poetry and what you would write today. I'd love to read a new version of that poem.

I picked out one bit that I hope has changed.

I feel not good enough

Where God has promised rest

I hope you do feel good enough to receive God's rest.

Hello @Realness

I'm thinking a big part of the healing comes with honestly making each part explicit. I haven't given it any thought, but now you mention it, I agree with you. Everything in therapy was looked at under a microscope. I have felt a lot lighter since owning how I felt about my perpetrator! It's confusing to hate and love someone at the same time!

As each part becomes explicit it loses its power. Yep. 100 percent. I'm really glad the moderators have allowed me to have this conversation! I'm a little surprised and very happy. This is very healing for me! I'm so grateful! 💜

So glad to hear how liberating it has been for you @heartathome

As long as their are no detailed descriptions, it's totally okay. That's why we put a trigger warning and spoiler tag as needed.

As you said, it is so healing to get it out. To feel heard. To know that people care.

We all care.

Sorry. I decided to delete a post and poem. Too vulnerable. 💜

Hi @heartathome ,

Please don't feel you need to apologise for deleting a post. Are you okay?

I'm all good @Realness Thanks for checking! 💜