heartathomeSenior Contributor
Heartathome
@REDLINEZ750 I'm trying to make my own little space. Sometimes I realize there is no personal space on here. I know it's for our good but it kinda sucks at times! Are you okay?
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Heartathome
710 replies
In response to: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
Hello @moderator I'm not sure if this is too detailed for here, I think it definitely needs a trigger warning.
I'd read up about the movie Lolita before watching it @Realness . It could be quite disturbing.
The movie is about an obsessively infatuated man manipulating situations so he could be close to Lolita. The story is from his perspective which makes the abuse confusing and romanticized. At its core, it's a portrayal of grooming, control and exploitation, not a love story!
My psychiatrist suggested I watch it many, many years ago. I didn't relate to it much back then.
TRIGGER WARNING: INCEST TRIGGER WARNING: INCEST
Content/trigger warning
I was twelve at the time, same age as Lolita. I loved my uncle and thought he was cool! He spent a lot of time with me, understood me and hated mum as much as I did. I felt like he had 'saved' me from a very strict environment! He lavished me with all kinds of gifts (cigarettes and alcohol as well) It was a big deal for my mum and me! It was all grooming!
I thought, at such a young age, that he was going to leave his wife and tell his sister (my mum) that we were going to live together (he told me this). That we were a couple. When I didn't want what he offered anymore, he disappeared and abandoned me at a very vulnerable age and state. He warned me that by saying anything it would split the family, and he would go to jail. I didn't want to be responsible for that!
I've never spoken of my abuse so clearly before, especially how I felt about my perpetrator. This is something new for me. This is me working through with what's coming up for me now!
It's okay if it's all too much. I totally understand! I just want to make sure you haven't been triggered with anything you've read so far! Would you rather or not be tagged as I write? I totally get it if it's too heavy! Phew! Lots more poems with God sprinkled coming through. 🙂💜
@REDLINEZ750 @MissGremlin
In response to: Re: Heartathome
tymeModerator
Re: Heartathome
Hey @heartathome ,
I had added a spoiler tag to part of your post.
Thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you have been sitting with a lot from a very early age. I can imagine how confusing it must have been for you.
In response to: Re: Heartathome
MissGremlinSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
@heartathome sending you lots of love and hugs sweetheart ❤️
In response to: Re: Heartathome
RealnessSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
@heartathome ,
As I write this I'm struggling to find the right words. It would be impossible for you at twelve to process that. You were still a child. The grooming behaviour and then rejection - both would be overwhelming. Especially when he was such a loved and respected and trusted person before. How dare he violate your childhood. The void after would have swallowed you up. No wonder it never really goes away.
How long did you carry the secret?
Surely your parents must have noticed something?
Thank you for sharing. The excited child is still alive in you.
It's taking me forever to write this. It doesn't feel too much. I want you to have the freedom to tag who you want to - who feels right - I'd be honoured if you want to include me.
In response to: Re: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
Good morning @moderator I'm pretty sure this conversation may need a trigger warning
Good morning @Realness
TRIGGER WARNING: INCEST TRIGGER WARNING: INCEST
Wow. I'm amazed at the depth of your understanding, and your words are comforting to me! I think writing it down for the first time and sharing this part (especially how I felt about him during the grooming) has been quite disturbing and healing.
Content/trigger warning
I told my mother when I was sixteen. She was giving me a lecture about 'saving myself' until I was married and I told her to talk to her brother about that! I walked out and it was never brought up again!
I did have a week with her (in my 50's) to discuss my childhood, especially the abuse, which was good. We both laughed and cried and she was sorry she wasn't there for me. Her reasoning to me as to why she never spoke to me about it was that she didn't want to upset me anymore! Not much of an excuse but I was a very angry person when I was sixteen. She told me she had no idea it was going on. I remember her nearly catching 'us' once. I was so scared that I'd be the one to get into big trouble!
I first attempted suicide at sixteen. When I was put in a psychiatric hospital in '84. after another attempt, I was kept there for around a month, I think. I told the female psychiatrist about my uncle but at that time I was sedated three times a day and told not to look back but focus on the future. I played the game to get out of the hospital and found myself addicted to the opiate they had me on.
I've always been told to forget about my abuse until I started therapy with my now psychiatrist (over 25 years ago) I won't be quiet because it still affects my life today and I know I'm not the only one. All questions are okay!
I trust very few men but am learning that not all men are abusive and some are even caring. I'm understanding more about myself and growing through the trauma.
Thanks for being here for me, my friend 💜
@MissGremlin @REDLINEZ750 Please let me know if you don't want to be tagged. I will not take offence!
In response to: Re: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
Thanks for doing that for me @tyme
I had added a spoiler tag Is that the same thing as a trigger warning. I haven't heard that term before. I haven't noticed anything missing.
Yes. It still makes relationships, with the opposite sex especially, confusing! It's good to be able to get it out and get some support at the same time!
It's nice to have you here tyme. 💜
In response to: Re: Heartathome
MissGremlinSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
@heartathome I'm happy to be tagged here and by you whenever sweet. I may not have many words to share right now cos my brain just won't let me process anything, but I really do relate to alot of what you share. I'm sorry to hear of what you've been through and it should have never happened. But I hope that both through your poetry and your psychiatrist that you will continue to heal. Sending so much love and hugs sweet ❤️.
That last part saying that you trust very few men, i understand that all too well. But I've worked hard to not put all men in the same basket so to speak. There are some very kind and understanding men out there who only have good intentions.
In response to: Re: Heartathome
heartathomeSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
Hey @MissGremlin
I totally get it when the brain can't process anymore! I don't like long posts directed to me either and if I do answer, it takes me ages to reply. Finding the right words is difficult when the brain isn't helping. Although it's great to connect, I find it can be draining sometimes.
There are some very kind and understanding men out there who only have good intentions. 😢 I think I've just met one, Dreamy! Their caring side brings tears to my eyes.
Sending hugs and much love 💜
In response to: Re: Heartathome
tymeModerator
Re: Heartathome
@heartathome wrote:
Thanks for doing that for me @tyme
I had added a spoiler tag Is that the same thing as a trigger warning. I haven't heard that term before. I haven't noticed anything missing.
Yes. It still makes relationships, with the opposite sex especially, confusing! It's good to be able to get it out and get some support at the same time!
It's nice to have you here tyme. 💜
Trigger warning is the "TW" words
A spoiler tag is the box that the hidden words are written in. Unfortunately, mobile devices do not support the addition of spoiler tags so only those on a computer can do it.
Hope that clarifies!
In response to: Re: Heartathome
MissGremlinSenior Contributor
Re: Heartathome
@heartathome yes it takes me forever to reply to long posts. I have to scroll up and down a million times replying to one section at a time. Even on good days my brain struggles with comprehension, but I do my best to reply if I'm tagged directly. I love reading/writing poetry though and I find it's a great way to get out some of those big emotions when things are feeling heavy.
Awww I'm glad you've met one, I reckon they are pretty rare to find.
