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yeah im currently stuck in an internal loop about bothering and all the rest of the dumb shit the smaller voice of self compassion gets drowned out by.

i dont raise my voice or swear or be derogatoryin any way im always mindful the other person may genuinely be trying to help and id probably fall,over if i knew how many calls of same they already that day,

there answer when told i done that and this happened is try again you will get another person which im sure is how easy it is for spmeone that has a struggle getting anxiety low enough to make the call in first place and just calling back you will get another person to me sounds like oh you didnt like a person its just a phone call keep making them until you hear what pacifys you if thats what you need.

enter anxiety about having anxiety not heard or seen as just being difficult causing more anxiety because now im questioning the point of hope and if i dont have it then i dont get anxious about failure, not being good enough or having to deal with going through paces of having to get bounced around and to block out trauma so can keep on track actually means exposure to it even if not spoken and the its a pointless waste of time versus see your not serious battle kicks off its anxiety.

so tiring, all done sitting on edge of bed gazing out window, an observer would think wish i had it that easy as an email comes from an existing support that doesnt feel like support at all, sigh.

i do remember when yea i just ring again was just that aye

apologies @AlwaysMyself i rant again

them knomes are cool i have a vsual of them looking like seven dwarfs type thing?

do you use water or oil base paints?

i hope your days good and i havent upset you im ok just disillusioned and feeling if i didnt hope for better a shitty self image and stigma i already live with wouldnt compound more with disapointments and anxious thought process and exposure that has come from wanting it

Hi @AlwaysMyself @Till23 @REDLINEZ750 @Appleblossom @RebelliousAngel and everyone else on here whose name didn't come up in the drop-down box. I have a trauma brain, and it affects my memory, among other things! I have trouble remembering names and sometimes conversations! But I'm here again! I'm back home and much more settled. It's time for a de-caff coffee and chat.🙃

Hey @heartathome, glad to hear you are back home and settled. Hope you are enjoying your cuppa 🩵

@RebelliousAngel I'm slowing down now and the shaking has stopped! 🙂 I'm home and safe! You reminded me that I was making a coffee! 😅 It's nice sitting outside as the sun sets. It's just starting to get a bit cooler so I'll finish my cuppa and lock myself in for the night. How has your day been?

@heartathome yes you are home and safe, time to allow your body to relax 🩵. Hehe i do that all the time, go to make a coffee and then forget 🤣. My day has been full of different emotions but I did manage a little bit of a sleep. Have a busy night tonight so it's going to be a bit chaotic.

@RebelliousAngel Do you have trouble sleeping? 🤔 Only if you want to answer that question! I'm glad you got some sleep today! Is tonight's 'chaotic' good or one you'd rather avoid? 🙃

@heartathome i do have a great deal of trouble sleeping so I try to rest whenever I can.

It's a good chaotic but also one I could do without 🤣

Of course you haven't upset me @REDLINEZ750 😊; I'm glad you've also been able to share your experience. Their attitude of "just call back and get a different person to speak to" sounds very unhelpful and unsupported- and a thousand times more when considering the anxiety and courage it takes to make even that one initial call. That really sucks.

I dont know what the service you are referring to is, but unfortunately I can imagine that happening with something like EAP where one provider may say longterm MH issues isnt suitable for EAP counselling, but another provider may be willing to take you on to provide some support for the 6 (or however many is funded by the employer) sessions. The reason I can imagine it is because it was my personal experience with it - however thankfully my FIRST experience was the positive helpful one!! I dont think I would have called a second time if the first people I spoke to said they wont do general support for longterm condition.

Hi @RebelliousAngel @heartathome 👋

Just got home from having dinner with a friend. 😊 was very nice of my friend to invite me over.

Hey @AlwaysMyself, sounds like a lovely evening having dinner with a friend 🙂.

I just got home myself and am tucked up in my bed now, it's been a long and emotional day for me.

thanks @AlwaysMyself, im grateful not to have said anything to have affected your day.

i had a psychologist i came across in a system that allocates funding for 6-8 sessions only.

my first experience with councilling psychologist dynamics and was already checking out mentally when i heard the numbers because im just not wired to give trust to anybody based on position or dynamics anyway she settled me into simply talking nothing more she said for the next several weeks would i like to come back and have an hr dedicated to me, no obligation or expectatrion just sit with her if i like she will make that space for me and hold it.

After a bit of hand stroking chin i thought well it is a nice aircon really hot summer and i get out of work an hr early decide ok.

it turned into me not being so cagey but knew it was only 2 more sessions left when she asked if i felt more comfortable now do i like my space etc and my whats the point told you there wasnt enough time said her boss allowed me another 6-8 weeks if im interested which saw me firing off all sorts of questions around why and still not liking time limits any way she was patient and let me figure out for myself i was safe in the space that was the room shes infor that hr and i had never had space that was for me to be safe in. i trusted her with whats behind all the masks and walls that were needed for me to survive, and i know without any doubt she had spoken out loud for me to stay in therapy and after enogh weeks i went into a home detox and was able to stop drinking.

i dont like people. people hurt people. good people to us are still shit people to others im no different by keeping very tight circle though limits my exposure to peoples shit and mine to others and not realising the loyalty i associate with trust was at the mercy of a system not hers my space is taken and not safe and i know this person cared because she saw something in me that was good and after 30 sessions and a dbt course after recent trauma i had let myself feel safe and my next session is goodbye and every attempt i have made to not be left completely unsupported has been met with try this other service and im repeating i know its just after your post about eap and 6 sessions i knew you would see my belief she genuinely saw me and cared is actually real and based on a trust that took time to establish.

now i hope im right haha

it is causing me to feel cery vulnerable and i see myself being afraid and alone with no support despite pushing through my mental health barriers and trying so iplease know as selfish as its been for me to dump this its helped me a lot more than you know you listened.

i feel if i say im concerned i might bring a cloud into your clear day after you being down last night you would think if thats true why writee it then UGH