Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@creative_writer yeah it sounds like chatting to him about your mum would be a really good idea. Disapproval is one thing, but having to be concerned about her own mental wellbeing is quite a load on your shoulders, for sure.

Sounds like you have a bit of a plan till Tuesday, and good idea to do uni online; do you have much on tomorrow? Would it be worth putting anything in place to help you through the next 36 hours or so?

Hi @creative_writer ,

firstly - apologies for delayed responses (I know it's OK, but I like to explain so people know it is unrelated to them!) -- I've had an 'interesting' week and been so busy, and I'm currently away so I also have a number of committment and unavailable time, tired, etc. A bit of a rollercoaster over here.

I'm slowly reading back through since the 22nd Feb posts - bear with me as I may multiple-post because I can't focus enough to remember everything in one post right now.

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@creative_writer wrote:
@tymethis is going to sound really strange. I just realised I keep trying to analyse and find evidence for it not being my fault. I am constantly trying to prove I’m innocent and I want to feel certain. I know analysing over and over again isn’t helpful, but OCD is weird.

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.... This doesn't sound weird to me. 🤗.

If you ever want to share what the cultural expectations are that you have been internalising but are trying to break free of, please know I am here to listen and chat. (apologies in advance if you have already done this and I just haven't read it yet 😅 that is also possible!)

I am very much an over-analyser. BUT it is totally a coping strategy for me too. It actually helps me "see all sides" and come to a more fair/likely/reasonable perspective, rather than just assuming I am at fault. I understand of course that ruminating and rehashing can instead be exhausting and unproductive though, but I feel there is a place for analysing too. It can be so hard to break free of thoughts even after having rationalised them too though, right??

I don't identify (or even been diagnosed) as having OCD, but I know I have had a number of repetitive thoughts & feelings of compulsions since early childhood -- but I don't have the anxiety/fear attached to them. I've had a new one pop up this week! 🤣 I am currently doing an experiment to monitor my blood glucose using a CGM. I have no problem with a CGM, I can't feel or see it. But I know it is there of course (and choose and want it there!). ...but multiple times a day I have been having to actively resist the irrational urge/impulse to pull it off! Why? I have no idea!! "because it's there!" Thankfully I am able to see this for what it is - an irrational urge/thought that doesn't harm me - and I can laugh at how silly it is to me that my brain keeps sending me these signals. But it is still pretty annoying too lol. Thankfully it is not nearly as distressing when it is SI or SH that become the repetitive thought/urge! 😅

Please do feel free to have a good-natured chuckle at my fickle brain. 😋. It doesn't make me any less/worse as a person - its just what my brain is doing! So finding it funny is a coping mechanism for me, I guess?

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@Jynx wrote:

@creative_writer aww, yeah it's hard when you don't fit in hey. Or your interests are considered weird or inappropriate.... I had a HUGE collection of plushies long after I was supposed to be 'too old' for them. I regret letting go of so many nowadays...

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*ahem* @Jynx there is not "too old" for stuffed toys! 😂🤣 But I absolutely understand what you mean, and the social pressure to not have/like them as an adult 😭. I'm with you on it. I did have to get rid of most of mine a decade ago (was really hard!) and got rid of a few more last year when I moved again, plus try to not accumulate more because i know how hard it is for me to get rid of them! Now I have a cabinet I keep them in - so they're not "on my bed" - somehow this is more socially acceptable? And then I have some squishimal cushions which I can use as pillows/cushion 😉 that are allowed on my bed and couches because they are practical, right??

I am no longer ashamed of loving stuffed toys and feeling highly attached emotionally to them. But I definitely did have a sense of shame/embarrasment of it in my teens & 20's. Now I just don't care what others think. And I even have a few other (ND) friends who also love stuffed toys - and knowing that really helped me accept it as OK to not be embarrassed about. 😊

@creative_writer I've never felt I "fitted in" either with peers. Peers my own age when I was a child... different interests / they felt immature. As an adult... I have a few weird interests that I hear people talk about as a bit "creepy" for people to like. But now days? I have no problem with piping up to people to say "oh, well I like that" if I hear them disparaging people who like those things. 😉. Amazingly they all seem to shut up about that point and change the topic. 🤣. Egg on their face, not mine! I'm not offended by it; but they're embarrassed for essentially saying their friend/coworker/etc is a weirdo-creep without knowing.

Ok, I'm caught up now @creative_writer . Wow, you've had a really rough week 😣 I'm sorry it's been so hard for you.

I assume the psych/pdoc doesn't work on Monday and hence the idea to wait until Tuesday?

I can relate to the feeling/thoughts of not wanting to be a "problem client" and not knowing whether or not someone else needs it more. I try to let them set the boundaries by being upfront with them about my thoughts/concerns about it, and that i would like them to triage it.

Last week I ducked online to post to you about the SH tips of using something non-harmful to physically express emotion (which basically is a form of stimming, right?). I had a really bad day that day 🤕 which is why I had been looking up around tips recommended for preventing SH during autistic meltdowns. It's the first time I also reached out to my psych to ask her if she happened to have a free appointment slot (which is the plan we had come up with a month ago if I was having a really bad day on one of her other work days) - and I was fortunate she did. I felt bad for sending an SMS to ask, but I also knew she had offered (and I pay). It was actually I think a good thing too because it allowed her to see what I am like when I am in more acute distress (compared to our scheduled sessions) - which can perhaps give her some insights too? It was really helpful though too, to help me be able to talk about what was going on, why I was so angry and hurt, and not feel unable to tell anyone about it honestly. I felt calmer after, and was then able to safely drive to take myself out of the house too.

Why am I telling you? As an example that it is OK to ask them for an extra/sooner appointment, and let them do the triage for you! 😊 I'm not saying its easy to trust that! Just encouraging.

I do plan to write a bit of an update on the thread I put things about me if/when I get time, but for now I have run out of time & need to go out for dinner. I plan to tag you into the update when I do, unless you would prefer I don't (which would be totally OK to say!)

@AlwaysMyself this is the way *nods* 😋

It truly baffles me why we are 'supposed' to stop enjoying certain things as adults. I can understand that we do grow out of some things, but I don't think we ought to be so judged for enjoying those same things we liked as children when we're adults. It's no wonder there's so much therapeutic work being done for people to connect to their inner child!

@creative_writer absolutely hun, and I imagine it can be hard to talk about too, without feeling like it is another potential thing that could trigger her and/or make things hard for you.

Oooh yum, what kind of muffins? I don't bake very often, but it's always nice to have something fresh and warm from the oven 😊

Sounds like some good plans, giving yourself that mental relief with the wiggle room for assignments and keeping those support options open. I hope you do get time for some spiritual connection too 💜

@creative_writer my mum (who was a dietician before retirement) told me that sometimems it's good to be more of a 'grazer' rather than always trying to hit the social norm of three big meals a day. Savoury muffins are a great way to do that!

Tomorrow not much, seeing my partner and just preparing some stuff for when I go away next week.

@creative_writer I don't think I've ever made savoury muffins but they sound like a great way to have a somewhat healthy snack, depending on how you make em I suppose!

Yeah we are all different hey, which is why it can be so difficult and frustrating that we are sometimes told there is only one 'healthy' way to live.

Thanks hun 😊

I am heading up to NSW to stay with my family!