Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

I’m so f***ing tired of having to be strong. I need to remain safe without any input from going to ED. I don’t think my mum will be able to cope. My thoughts keep racing and going to dark places. I’m safe. I’m also getting palpitations.

I’m not sure if going to the ED will help. They’re probably refer to community mental health, by then I might have gotten the opportunity to talk to my pdoc.

At least I have a thing this evening, just a bit longer till I will leave.

I shouldn’t want this. I shouldn’t be letting my thoughts drift to dark places but I can’t help it. I feel ashamed. I wish it was easier to get past this because the thoughts feel so heavy. I’m leaving the house for a while, I’m hoping I can get my mind off the thoughts. It shouldn’t be this hard. I don’t know why I’ve let myself fall this low

HI @creative_writer ,

I'm sorry to hear things are so low. It sounds so hard.

I wanted to gently remind you to take some offline time if being on the forums is not helpful for the rumination. Alternatively, I wonder if journalling will help?

It's important that posts are recovery focussed as per the guidelines, and therefore, extensive rumination may be difficult for members to follow.

We encourage you to reach out to:

Lifeline 13 11 14

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

Listenwell 1300 111 500

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

@tyme I am on the way to dinner right now.

I wanted some ideas from others. Sorry I didn’t state that clearly. Any ideas what to do? I can call my pdoc on Tuesday. How do I manage in the interim? I considered CAT, but I haven’t always found them always helpful. I don’t know if that is what I need or if I need something else. I’m so confused. I’m not sure if I’m high risk enough to get admitted.

Hello lovely @creative_writer,

I can hear that things are feeling big in the body right now and that it's hard to know what to do next to stay safe. Being worried about how mum will react must make things feel really confusing too... it's so important that you are able to put you and your needs first.

I wonder if calling your state's mental health triage line could be helpful? That way they can provide an assessment over the phone and let you know what they feel might be your next best steps? You don't have to do all of this on your own. Big hugs. 💛

@AuntGlow I might try calling when I get the opportunity. I might be back later tonight, I’ll try to take my meds once I’m home and try to get to bed. I can always call up tomorrow if things still feel bad.

Hopefully I get someone who can help, it can be hit or miss with who you get.

It’s a bit personal to discuss what I mean by my mum’s emotional reaction. My mum can be super reactive to any interpersonal distress. I do love her and I try to be understanding. I understand she had her own stuff. But I also feel sort of frustrated. I have my own stuff but I don’t react in such an emotionally volatile way when faced with conflict. I know everyone has their triggers

Thank you for clarifying @creative_writer . We just want to make sure that the forums are not making things worse in terms of making you ruminate more.

I'm not sure CAT would be helpful for you. Do you feel you need crisis support? I'm mindful of your family situation too.

Do you know the psychiatric triage number in your area? Perhaps you can give them a call to see what your options are.

Also, have you been to PARCs before? That may be a helpful alternative.

I'm not sure either.

@tyme I think I do have the triage for my region. I think it’s somewhere saved on my phone, I should be able to locate it.

I’ve heard of PARC but haven’t had any experiences with it. It did come up a few years in therapy.

I also agree a phone call might be better than going into hospital. I’m not at imminent risk and I think I can remain safe today, it helps I’m away right now. I am also mindful the risk has been going up and I’m not sure how long I can stay safe. I thought it was best to contact my pdoc early next week because waiting two weeks is probably too long. I can call triage while I wait to talk to my pdoc.

@creative_writer I can hear how tricky it is for you to have to be so aware of your mum's emotional state, to the point where it impacts your ability to seek support for yourself.

Do you think that your psych's response to you not reaching out is perhaps a sign that doing so sooner rather than later is in fact, the opposite of annoying? In my experience, most psychs/pdocs don't encourage their clients to contact them (other than for appt management) outside of sessions. The fact that they have done so, and then weren't happy that you didn't utilise their support when you did really need it, indicates to my mind that they really care about you, and want you to be leaning on them when you need to. With how things are at the moment, you sound like you're in need of more care, time, and support.

Even if you're not at imminent risk right now, perhaps it means it is the best possible time to be leaning into every support you have/can find, so that you don't tip into that imminent realm.

We're here for you as best we can be hun, but there's only so much support that can come from the forums, and you deserve the very best 💜

@Jynx I think my pdoc would rather I contact him than to do something risky. That’s what it felt like when I had to contact him in December. He asked if I had been in contact with a crisis service. I know I should’ve contacted a crisis service, but you learn. I was okay in the end, but that doesn’t mean I should do a repeat.

I might need to explain to him about the mum situation. I don’t think he realises it’s more than just disapproval from parents, I get worried about my mum’s mental wellbeing. I think mum sometimes says stuff that isn’t appropriate for the situation. Then I have to make it about her wellbeing instead of mine. I’m not saying she is manipulative, but she gets scared and does what she needs to do to not get separated.

I know if I don’t reach out soon, I risk going into imminent risk. I’m safe for now, but I need to get in touch with him soon. I can also touch base with the psych if needed. I can’t wait two weeks because I’m not sure if I would make it that long, but I think resisting till I talk to my pdoc on Tuesday is more realistic. I can do uni online for Tuesday class. I am not well enough to go and I really need to be able to talk to my pdoc privately.