Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@tyme AI can be helpful for generating ideas and reminding yourself what you can do self care wise. Though it’s a bit awkward taking to a robot about your personal issues. I rather talk to a person. I wish it was easier to be my authentic self around people so I didn’t have to mask. There are people I can be more authentic with, I can be more authentic in therapy, with a friend and on the forums.

Yes I do like reading. I’ve been wanting to get back into it. I know there are self care resources on coping with trauma.

@tyme @AlwaysMyself I do want to get better, maybe I haven’t found what works yet and I just have to keep trying. I know they say to have hope, but sometimes I’m on the verge of letting go of that hope, I’ve felt disappointed time and time again. Chronic mental illness takes a toll, and when you feel like you’re not progressing fast enough self blame naturally comes in. I’ve learnt to internalise the blame. I’ve been blame before, it’s hard to unlearn being blamed for being too difficult. I know most people won’t call me manipulative, but I’ve been accused of being manipulative. I try my best to keep people comfortable and stay quiet in the background

It sounds like both AI and real people have their pros and cons. Maybe it's about using both to your benefit? @creative_writer I never considered using AI myself for my own MH challenges, except for Woebot which was available a few years ago, but not longer available.

Just know it's not 'wrong' to do and there's no shame in using it. @creative_writer

I've got so many books I want to read, and I never get there! I'm reading Klara and the Sun at the moment which is about AFs (artificial friends) and how child buy AI bots to take home. It's a really interesting book. It explores the pros and cons of AI bots.

@tyme it’s true bots and humans have their own advantages. I have tried to talk to AI. It says very similar things each time. It also checks in on you regarding safety. It just doesn’t have that warmth that people have.

I’ve had imaginary friends. I just lost connection with them. I think I’ve longed for an older sibling. It’s difficult being the oldest at times. I have to carry my own heavy stuff. I feel responsible for my siblings. Can’t talk to parents because they don’t handle it well either. I feel responsible for the wellbeing of my entire family. It’s why I didn’t tell them about the SI and SH. The urges are less intense than they were recently, can’t say they’re gone, but I can stay safe. I’m able to go on without SH right now. SI does pop up, but I think it’s gives a sense of control

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@creative_writer wrote:
I feel responsible for the wellbeing of my entire family.

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If I may ask, why is that?

@tyme growing up as the oldest child, a lot of responsibility get placed on. I’ve learnt to minimise the discomfort of others, often at the expense of my wellbeing. I also had enmeshment trauma growing. My parents have a tendency of getting too involved and that would scare me. I am the type to want space. They get worried and upset really easily and they just don’t know how to cope. If I was to be open, they would be really distressed. They may play out the worst case scenarios and talk about how I need to be careful with the mental health system here. I can’t get a welfare check without a lecture.

It feels like a struggle. The SI and SH urges may not be as intense, I’m still getting urges but I’m safe. I’ve been finding the trauma has been surfacing more now that the thoughts became easier to resist. It is possible I’ve also been triggered. It feels hard everyday, I’m trying but it never feels like enough

I hope you find a way to give yourself a break from these ruminating thoughts. I can see they are going round and round and they have been for a long time. It must be exhausting.

Although, it was pleasing to see that upon reflection, you feel there has been some progress, even if it is slight @creative_writer

What are you doing now?

@tyme I don’t want the pain to be a focal point. I don’t want the thoughts to be this obsessive. I want it to stop hurting, but I’m just struggling. It’s hard to find my way, it’s hard sitting with uncertainty without knowing the direction. I want something to come out of this, I want to create purpose in the pain.

Will I ever get to the point of peace? Will the flashbacks stop?


I’ve been reflecting.

How do I move forward?