Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

Congrats on making it two days @creative_writer I think that's an achievement worth celebrating!!

Self-forgiveness can be so challenging, especially if it is not familiar. But it's not impossible or out of reach. Sometimes I find it helpful to try to imagine how I might approach it if it was a friend or loved one I wanted to forgive...

Hugs my friend (づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

@Jynx I messed up and then didn’t talk about it 100% with my psychiatrist. I’m no longer in denial with parts of it. Monday’s episode can’t be repeated, I scared myself. This isn’t even the first time it happened, I’ve been there before, but I never seemed to learn. I know we are human at the end of the day and we make mistakes. It’s just that when things feel heightened I tend to act on emotion instead of logic. I tried and reached out for support that day, but I felt so powerless. I can’t be specific on what happened. I know I was trying to fight, but sometimes it is hard. I know since then I’ve made it 2 days without SH. I’m just trying to not be hard on myself but it’s hard

@creative_writer acting on emotions instead of logic is probably one of the most human things there is hun. I think you are learning, but I think sometimes we can learn something logically but it takes time for our feeling bodies to catch up. We often act on instinct when in that heightened fight/flight/freeze/fawn state because that's what we're wired to do. Rewiring those instincts is really challenging but I see you out here doing what you can to change, to understand yourself, to find those small steps forward. It is hard not to be hard on ourselves, very true - but it is something that we can practice over time, to be gentler, to be soft on ourselves, to be forgiving of our mistakes, even when it's the same one we've made many times before.

You got this hun, I believe in you 💜

@Jynx it’s strange, at baseline I’m a super cautious person, but once emotions heighten that changes. A lot has happened recently,

The urges are at least less intense now. Still have the urges (safe), I’m still not feeling great. Not sure if reduced intensity of urges is an early sign the meds are doing something, but I can’t say it’s lifted the depression. It’ll probably take longer to lift the depression.

I am starting to wonder whether I’ll need to get referred to another psych for EMDR. Starting all over again feels really daunting. I also hope whoever I get referred to doesn’t expect me to talk about it in detail. My last EMDR therapist preferred details. Otherwise there is also art therapy. I find the talking about it over and over again till I’m blue in the face stressful and it doesn’t seem to get it all out. It stays stuck and I don’t know why it’s so stubborn. Even when I did talk about it in detail, the exposure didn’t get me far. Then again, I can’t say I felt 100% comfortable with that therapist. I’m just not comfortable going there again because I’ve already tried it and it left me feeling more broken. I’m not trying to be difficult, but it doesn’t feel right for me to talk about it over and over again. I can talk about it in a general sense, but I can’t dive in

I hope it is the meds @creative_writer that would be super promising, and I know it's been quite a journey for you in trying to find the right 'cocktail' as it were! I guess time will tell 🤞

Forgive me if we have spoken about this idea before, but have you ever thought of perhaps writing out an account of your trauma history in order to reduce that mental load of having to repeat your story so often? I imagine that in itself would be a daunting task, and one I would definitely recommend doing with the support of your team that you have. Perhaps like a timeline of events and some small summaries of how certain events have impacted you, maybe summaries of resulting schemas and such. Food for thought, as I imagine it could be a very difficult task if it felt like a repeat of exactly the situation you are wanting to avoid.