Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

Hi @creative_writer , sorry i didnt get back to you last night. Plus my support button is being intermittent in my phone today currently. But wanted to ensure to reply before i go to sleep - because i care.

Sorry that dark thoughts are still plaguing you today. I know myself how hard those days can be, especially when physically alone.

I think you are courageous for getting through the uncomfortable appointment today. I also dislike invasive tests. I've been very lax myself and i'm more than a year overdue for one 😅. Just been trying to get through SI things first lol. One stress at a time haha. And i figure i'm very low risk so not worried about delayed testing.

I hear that nutrition intake has been hard, esp when away from home. But i also hear that the Dietician is confident enough in how you are doing that you can keep your usual exercise routine. To me this sounds like you are doing really good work at this even when its been really difficult (adding in the gastro/IBS challenges too!!) -- i'm proud of you. 😊

If you ever find it *helpful for you* to reshare your experience of ED, please know I am open to listening. But most important is whether it is healthy and positive experience for you in sharing.

I know sometimes when i am stressed, sharing can be really triggering of bringing up emotions to the forefront. But other times when i am really stressed and theyre already at the forefront, sharing can be really helpful to know someone else knows.

You know you.

But i am always interested to hear more about your experience and what helps or doesnt help for you.

But only on YOUR terms. 😊🤗

Take care hun. I have to go offline now, but you're still in my thoughts.

Would love to read your poetry sometime if you ever wish to share any. 😊

@creative_writer hey hun, how are you feeling today? Always glad to log in to see 'safe in bed', thanks for keeping us in the loop - I know those dark thoughts can feel all-consuming and make it that much harder to stay connected. Especially when everything feels so amplified, and every small thing feels like a massive struggle.

Hope you managed to catch some solid snoozles 😊

I've only a basic knowledge about ED's, but I have heard that for many people it can be a way of having some control in life when there are so many uncontrollable things happening (or happened). I'm sorry for your traumatic past @creative_writer which has contributed to this. Balancing both the eating behaviours and the trauma and other mental health I can imagine may feel like juggling multiple balls and hoping that they don't all come crashing down if you slip up on any one for them. 😢

I appreciate your insight. It sounds like you have a really good understanding of how things interplay and how you need to manage the various aspects. I can definitely imagine that a more stable MH mood and thoughts would make it a lot easier to manage the eating behaviours too. Operating in crisis mode daily is so exhausting and I know for me in the past takes all my strength just to do basic functioning and one-foot-forward.

How has your day been?

Mine has been OK. 😊

I am often lower in mood in the afternoon/evening too @creative_writer . If im in a mood from the early morning, it tends to be a loonnnngggg day. 🫩

Yesterday i did some sorting / putting away in my study room, with my mum to keep me company. Then went for a coffee with some people i know. And watched some tv in the evening with my mum - we usually watch detective murder-mystery shows (fictional).

What types of tv shoes do you like to watch?

I have read a few historical fiction books before @creative_writer , and enjoyed them. 😊 Especially if they have good representation of a foreign country's culture and an interesting storyline. 😊

I hope no one says that you are "over-reacting" or "making it to be worse than it was". Trauma is... traumatic! The way we interpret and encode meaning from events varies based on so many factors -- and that's OK. What is traumatic for one person may not be for another; and vice-versa. And thats OK, i think. The important thing is respecting that it was traumatic for you and it has deeply affected you, and you deserve to be able to heal from that. (I saw this without knowing the trauma, so i am absolutely NOT saying that what happened to you would not likely traumatise anyone. I am just saying that to some degree "how bad" or what the event was can be irrelevant to how strong or weak the body's reaction to it --- and that is totally legit to respond however you have.)

I sometimes have to remind myself that "i did experience trauma" because i basically dismissed and ignored it because i minimised its importance --- but i dont think this was a healthy approach for me. I have to remind myself that even "occassional trauma" is still traumatic, even if i dont display ptsd symptoms (or... not be diagnosed as? The more i am learning about different types of symptoms the more i start to question how much impact it has had on me).

I, for one, will never think you are over-reacting or exaggerated-response to your traumatic events. I don't think that genuinely is a thing; trauma affects everyone differently.

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@creative_writer wrote:
@AuntGlow telling my inner child it’s not my fault that things have been rough. I think I’ve internalised living with mental health.

Peppermint and ginger can feel soothing. Love having them in tea.

Today has been hard. Had to do a medical test and it didn’t feel okay. I know I was in control, and the doctor let me do the test myself but still didn’t feel okay. It may have contributed to the spiral I got into today. I took a shower afterwards, and will try other self care. I’m just tired

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I understand this feeling very much so. @creative_writer 💖 How did this self-talk sit with you?

Mmm, that sounds really yum and soul-nourishing.

I understand, some medical tests can feel really vulnerable, can't they? Big hugs.

I just read that you're considering EMDR again! That sounds like a great idea, especially as it has helped you in the past. But I completely understand why relaying your trauma would feel awful to sit with... it's a really tough position to be in, where being in that discomfort can feel so big, yet it can also help to reprocess. I can imagine having a therapist who feels very safe could be a conduit for your experience being more manageable?

You definitely aren't overreacting, your feelings around this are always valid and real. 🫶