Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@creative_writer Maybe it's about which people you're seeking to spend time with? I know that it's complex, and that for those of us with complex trauma pretty much everyone can feel like an unsafe person when you first meet them... but for me, being around most people is exhausting, but being around the right people is the opposite - it actually fills my cup. Maybe that's what your psych is pushing you towards? Finding people you don't need to mask around? Easier said than done, I know 🙃

Do you have a safety plan that's like, up to date and easily accessible? Sounds like the SI is getting really intense, and that worries me!

Hi @creative_writer , just catching up on the last few days. Sounds like it's been a really difficult few days for you - please know my absence was not intentional or related to avoiding you (I know some people fear this and internalise, so just being super clear 😊).

I am proud that you went the whole day the other day. 😊. As @Jynx says - 20 hours, 21 hours, etc... that is still progress. And yeah sometimes it may be less than the days before - but it's the general trend over time, right? Ebbs and flows.

I very much relate to what you were saying about not having the energy for activities that feel tiring (not enjoyable) and for socialisation which is draining. I also find most people face-to-face draining, and have a select few that I can spend time with when I feel I want social connect but feel exhausted and don't have motivation or the ability to mask. They are precious friends, and yep I agree it can be hard to find them. I wish I had a few more, as my closest friend does not live near me and is not usually available to chat (doesn't even have phone reception at their house). Groups are always draining for me.

Does it help to count down the days until you see your psych and pdoc again? 😊

Know that I am not scared or triggered by hearing about SI. I am no stranger to it either. I wish we both were strangers to it though - I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

@AuntGlow site seeing was lovely and you can’t deny the beauty of nature. In some way I connected, but not so much in other ways. It’s true SI tends to wax and wane, so it wasn’t always distracting me at the same level when I was out. Sometimes I felt more grounded and present in my environment, other times it was hard to quieten the thoughts. It was cold, it’s why we ended up sick. It’s nice to experience other cultures and have different experiences

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This is a really wonderful reflection @creative_writer 🥰

I think normalising the ebb and flow of these thoughts and feelings is really helpful.

What have you been up to since you have been back?

@AlwaysMyself I find it easier talking to my close friend than other people, we just haven't gotten around to catching up for a while. Her schedule is quite hectic too.

I could count the days till my next appointment. I'm starting to lose hope in therapy and meds. I've considered Naturopathy, but worry about the costs. I guess I'll see how things go. SI and SH urges have been a struggle. Can't seem to shake off the depression, I'm also experiencing increase rumination and intrusive memories. All I can do is keep hanging on the tight rope as long as I can. I'm safe for now.

I hope you are having a better day than me 💖

@AuntGlow I haven't been up to much since I've been sick. I've had appointments and not much else happening. It's been a struggle. How have you been?💞

It can be a vicious cycle, can't it @creative_writer - depression feeding rumination, feeding intrusive memories & thoughts, feeding depression further... it can be challenging to break that cycle sometimes. Hanging on tight is definitely a good thing. 😊

Does talking about the ruminations help "get them out"?

Hi @creative_writer,

It's natural to have moments in the recovery journey where it can be hard to have hope. It can take time to find the right supports. You deserve to have a space where you feel supported in a way that is most helpful for you.

You mentioned that you had found reaching out to helplines has been beneficial for you in the past. Is that something you think could be helpful today? It sounds like it's been a tough one for you.

Sitting here with you,

Forest_Fairy