Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@Jynx his words were clunky. He wanted me to safe and not do anything silly. I don’t know if he slipped as humans do. I don’t know if I should be this offended.

I’ve given up telling my parents about some of the decisions I make. I have to learn to live with life, not them. It’s going to be hard to let go of that guilt of taking my own way, might need to try unpack in therapy. I need to stop feeling responsible for everyone’s wellbeing and that’s probably going to take lots of work. I feel like I carry a heavy burden, and I’m only one person. Do you have any other ideas on what else I can do?

I'll respond more fully tomorrow @creative_writer when I have time, but just wanted to send you some gentle hugs, and let you know that we're here for you. Maybe keep those crisis numbers in view as a little reminder that they're there?

Look after your wonderful self and I'll catch up with you soon 💜

@Jynx I do regret not reaching out for support before I did whatever I did yesterday, but I just couldn't reach out for support at the time. I may have had no consequences this time, but I know it could've easily gone wrong. I didn't want to be stopped. I feel guilty when I reach out for support. I don't always feel like I deserve it. I feel like I'm supposed to manage by myself. It's hard to get myself of the mindset "better off alone". I've always felt safer alone, it's hard to trust people when you're a trauma survivor and also a by product of generational trauma. I've been told time and time again not to trust others, it's hard to unlearn that. I know it takes time, I don't know how long it's going to take to undo it and shift to a more helpful mindset.

@creative_writer it can be so hard to move out of that mindset - particularly when we're still exposed to that 'rugged individualism' type of messaging all the time through the media we consume. Combined with enough previous experiences of being shut down, rejected, or ridiculed for your vulnerability and need for connection and support, to me it's no wonder it feels like a huge mental barrier for you - particularly in a heightened mindset.

For me, it really helps to remind myself that humans evolved as social creatures. This idea that we ought to be able to just 'cope on our own with whatever life throws at us' is a relatively new one, maybe only a century of it, compared to the 300,000 years humans have been around, caring for one another. Our ability to signal for help exists in our very anatomy; we have tear ducts so that we can cry, and we cry so that others know we need to be held.

This is all a very intellectualised approach of course. We also need to physically teach these things to our bodies, or like you pointed out it's a matter of unlearning the messages we've been saturated by, so we might reawaken what we already know in our genes. It's sooo hard when we've lived through so many painful instances of being shut down or ostracised for asking for help or sharing our traumatic experiences. We're experiential learners, so our bodies need to learn/unlearn too; we can know something cognitively and still feel completely incapable of actually doing it. It takes time and it takes consistent practice. You already do it in a way, just by sharing your vulnerability here with us!

When it comes to crisis lines and stuff, perhaps you could 'practice' by calling them more than needed - at least at first. Literally giving yourself permission to call when you're just feeling a little low, or you've had a difficult, but not overwhelming kind of day. I find it easier to overcome those internal barriers when I'm not a complete mess 😅 But yeah, I reckon the more you do so, the more comfortable you will get with the whole process, and the easier it will be to reach out for help when it really does count.

Food for thought anyway 💜

@Jynx I feel like we are becoming more isolated as a society. There is no longer that community, and that community has historically kept people going. There is definitely a drive for individualism. I know emotional support helps, but it’s not what I’m used to and it often doesn’t feel safe. I’ve only met one friend who I can say I can really be more open with. I don’t tell her everything, but I don’t do the lying about how I feel. She gets the cultural aspect too.

I only really use SCBS, 1800 respect or butterfly foundation. It really depends on what I need. I’ve also heard that blue knot is good for trauma, haven’t tried them much yet.

I’m doing better today. Still depressed but no longer agitated. The depression agitation mix is the safety risk. I’m just hoping my mood stabilises soon and depression lifts, but not really seeing an end right now. Will see how the new meds adjustment and omega 3 affect my mood. I’ve still had the meds decreased, just not as dramatically. I’m no longer getting going black upon standing spells, or my head feels cold. I’m also not as foggy. Still foggy and fatigued, hard to know what is depression and what is ADHD. I am continuing therapy and dietician sessions. Can’t say the SI has left, but it’s not like yesterday. I can resist them. I’m hoping for respite, don’t see it happening soon.

@creative_writer I'm really hearing you hun. It sounds like a lot is compounding at once, which can result in very challenging and scary days. You've survived em all. You are here, and you are muddying your way through to better self-understanding each day, whether you can see it right now or not.

Gentle self-compassion is something we can cultivate - is there a way you can show yourself some compassion tonight?

Hugs 💜

@Jynx I think I’m in need to self compassion. Feeling shameful about my body right now. Both ED and trauma related. Healing from ED has been really hard, it was a coping mechanism. It was my way to get in control of my body when I didn’t feel in control. Maybe I’ve used it as a way to reclaim the body that no longer felt like mine. It often feels like my body is owned by the perpetuator. I know on a logical level I’m in control over my body now and I’m safe. I get super protective over physical touch, I only ever like it on my own terms.

I’m working on feeling better physically and mentally with my supports. Shame is just sticky, it takes time to heal. Self take can help, so can doing things to take care of myself, including my nighttime skincare

@Jynx I barely slept again last night, I'm going to try to sleep tonight, or I might need to take PRN. Lack of sleep has left me feeling restless and frustrated. I feel super sick and migrainey. Also getting stomach pain, maybe too much reflux, it can start feeling tender to touch.

I'm super cranky but trying to hold up the best I can.

@creative_writer apparently my tab disappeared before I'd responded, my B!

Totally makes sense hun, that desire for reclamation - of body and sense of control. Also great phrasing, the whole 'shame is sticky' thing. I like it because it paints a picture of something being stuck to us, which means it's not come from within, it's been placed upon us from external sources.

I'm sorry to hear you're in the land of bodily ick. Are you able to just curl up with a book or a fav tv show or something this arvo?

@Jynx something someone said triggered the thought pattern. I hadn’t realised until I unpacked what had triggered me.

I’m out right now at a lecture. It doesn’t end too late, I’ll probably try to sleep once I get back. So drained, lack of sleep is really bad for my mental health. I’m wired but tired, it’s why I couldn’t sleep last night. Worst comes to worse, I can take a PRN, another bad night sleep is too risky with how I’m feeling. I don’t want things to escalate, I’m coping okay now, but can’t let the agitation get out of control like Friday