Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@Jynx I hate to go into therapy and have a psych get defensive. My old psych got pretty defensive when I said I don’t feel safe with anyone. My psych said sometimes therapists’ own frustrations can come out in therapy, maybe that is what happened with the last psych. I guess I wasn’t making the progress she wanted.

My main ED supports are my psych and dietician. Butterfly foundation is good for in between support. My psych sessions are pretty packed, we don’t solely focus on ED, but also the underlying issues. My psych thinks there are other ways I can get that sense of control. Suppression of emotions only feeds that out of control feeling. I have to get out what has been suppressed, I have a lot to work through. The more I talk about it, the more I realise. It feels a lot bigger now that I’ve realised

@creative_writer ugh - in my opinion, like yes progress is a desirable outcome of therapy, but the moment the therapist tries to push for change it can become very much like them trying to make us into their idea of a healed person, instead of what is going to actually be best for us.

It can definitely feel overwhelming when we see the length of the road ahead. Only way down the road is to take it one step at a time, and it sounds like you're doing just that 💜

@Jynx the pressure to heal is very real. The truth is I don't know how to be fully healed. I guess I had been in therapy with her for so long, it stopped being productive. I needed a change in therapists, I need someone I could feel safer with and someone who had a different approach. Maybe I have too many issues, it is frustrating. I know I have a complex presentation, but I can't help it. I can't really resolve everything at once.

I hope your Sunday has been restful ❤️

@Jynx do you think I am just wasting my time and money? I feel like I need to add another supplement to manage ADHD symptoms. My psychiatrist doesn't want me on ADHD meds. My symptoms are very severe and contributing to constant burn out and mood instability. I thought having supplements is better than nothing, but it is so expensive. Structure is impossible to do with such severe symptoms.

@creative_writer tbh I don't know if any of us know how to be 'fully' healed cos... what even is that? Who defines that? Cos we can never go back to being who we were before, and aiming for something like 'always happy and comfortable' is simply unattainable. I reckon it's why we talk about recovery being a process, not a destination. Do you think it's possible you're putting pressure on yourself to be like, 'more healed' than where you're at?

As for the supplements, I really don't have an answer for you hun - finding the balance with medication and stuff is so unique to each individual. But maybe you could chat to your psych about whether looking into the ADHD meds is worth a shot? They're worried about mania, right? If you were prepared for that eventuality/put supports in place, you could have a think about whether for you, it's worth the risk. I hope you're able to work with your supports to find the right balance 🤞

@Jynx my parents wonder why I've been in therapy for so long, but having complex mental health is, complex. It's hard to put a timeline on it. Trauma is hard. Bipolar is hard. Being ND in a NT world is hard, the constant burn out is real. I came across a video of another ND, she was talking about how focusing during meetings causes migraines. The connection between ND and migraines is real, I reckon a lot of us deal with other chronic pain too. Our nervous systems get flooded more easily.

He is worried about mania, maybe he is the most worried about the mixed episodes. I'm not saying supplements don't help, but I've gotten to the point I'm wondering whether to add another one on top of my already exhaustive supplement list, it gets complicated the more you add and expensive. I take them for different reasons-chronic pain, mental health and general health. I don't have a great immune system or gut health, my diet is a work in progress.

@creative_writer yep 100%, so many extra challenges, often unseen. It's tough.

It's also tough feeling like you have to weigh up your physical and mental health with your financial status too hey, having to choose options based on what's affordable instead of what's going to be most effective.

Have you got anything you're looking forward to at the moment?

@Jynx it is a lot to have a lot going on at once. It's not just one mental health struggle, but multiple happening simultaneously.

I buy my supplements online, but they're still so pricey. Buying in bulk helps a bit, but still costly. I think many people need supplementation (even those with no gut issues), the food quality has gone down. Vitamin D is pretty much a must have in Melbourne. I'll see what the psychiatrist says about bipolar meds. One of my meds isn't doing its job right and is contributing to POTS and not helping with ADHD. I wonder if I could get the levels more consistent, it might be a bit easier on the body. I think they have an XR version for it. I would need to get a formal ADHD assessment, and that usually takes time.

To be honest, I am struggling to see something to look forward to. Thoughts have been super dark for me today, I'm safe. But the things that are going through my mind aren't good. I have my dad's birthday in a few days, that will be good

Oh POTS is rough hey - thanks for reminding me I should be wearing my compression leggings @creative_writer!!

Also, in my brain for whatever reason, you already had an ADHD diagnosis! That definitely complicates things hey, cos that can be such a process. Adding that process into what you're already doing in trying to balance your other meds/supps could be super hard, so I can understand if you're wanting to focus more on what's in front of you.

Aww nice, hope it's a good bday for him and you and your fam. And like... I know for myself, having something to look forward to can help that restless, novelty-seeking part of my ADHD-brain settle a bit - even if it's just a new book coming in the mail or organising a bush walk or a little mani-pedi appt.

@Jynx I am actually contemplating whether to get more compression leggings. I end up getting activewear because all the medical stuff is plastic. I don’t like plastic. My preferred option is bamboo or merino wool (when it is cooler).

Yeah, my psychiatrist was like a diagnosis might not do much unless you want to be medicated. I only have supplements for now, and only changes to bipolar meds can be made. Honestly, I feel like I’ve hit the end of the road. All I can hope is supplements help enough, or I don’t think I have it in me to fight turning to other ways. Many of us who struggle to manage symptoms end up using substances to ease it. It’s not just ADHD, it’s the interplay with trauma. I don’t want to constantly replay it all over in my head because my brain refuses to function. It’s hard not to feel so desperate to get some relief. Sometimes it is about surviving.

There is also an event on the coming Sunday. Will be eating out after a long time, will need to find easy to digest food. I’ve ordered some stuff through the mail 😂. Ohh, I need to remember to get a present for my dad too