Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@Jynx go to stores like Sephora and Mecca, you can’t get anything for $5 except the air. Most stores are more expensive than Kmart, but Kmart stuff is a hit and miss. I love sensory toys, my one of my toys from Kmart started to melt and it got sticky, it is unusable because it feels wrong. Though most of the noddles have last so far. They were super cheap.

I feel like it’s just been a hectic week emotionally. My face also hurts, maybe my sinuses are clogged. Might try to release the pain, my mind started going places. It’s hard not to get frustrated after struggling for so long. I’m safe for now, but might be a good idea to revisit my safety plan. Just waiting to see my psychiatrist, he’s fully booked, but I’ve been placed on waitlist. The appointment is in a week and a half time, if I’m lucky, I might be able to get in sooner, I will see. I also had a big session with my psych

@creative_writer Yeah Kmart is wild like that hey 😅 Like I don't buy electronics from there much anymore, but if I want a little glass box to display my tchotchkes and trinkets, or some bizarre new fidget toy, or a pile of interestingly scented candles, it's the place to go!

Aww hun, I think revisiting safety plan is a wise choice, even if it's just so that it's handy. I hope you do score an earlier appt, but if not, do you have things you can fill out your day with to help you stay a little more present, less in ya head?

Sending a big pile o hugs your way

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

@Jynx I never buy electronics from Kmart, wouldn’t trust it. I would get sensory toys because it doesn’t really matter if they last all that long. I don’t usually buy candles, I have tons of essential oils, but I got them elsewhere.

I also need to send my psych my safety plan, she said she will have a look at it and see if it needs tweaking. It’s hard with pdocs, they can get so busy and booked out. The holidays are also coming up, that might make it even more busier. I don’t think he is even taking on new clients anymore.

It’s easier to do things earlier in the day, I’m a bit lost for later. I guess on step at a time

@creative_writer yeah after the second vacuum cleaner, toaster, and kettle, I am like 'ok yeah nah better go to the good guys ore something' 😂 Sometimes I do go just to look in the toy section, cos they always got some bizarre stuff to look at 😋

Yeah it's a difficult time of year for finding extra support hey. Fingers crossed for you hun 🤞

Have you ever tried to like, plan out your afternoons, build a bit of routine into them? I remember when I was out of work a while ago the days always felt SO LONG, and I'd easily fall into that kinda listless, restless state... which definitely made it easier to spiral.

@Jynx electronics is always elsewhere. I feel like you need to read reviews before getting electronics. Toys are okay, it’s not the end of the world if they break away quickly if cheap. They have a good variety of sensory toys at Kmart.

It is a difficult time of the year, I feel like some people find holidays triggering. Families are complicated.

I find it super hard to plan my afternoon. Like I do sprinkle things like brief shifts, walks, cooking etc. I find it hard to function in the afternoons. SI has started ramping up (safe), I did have my psych appointment recently, maybe that brought up things, and I’ve been feeling fed up for a long time. I seem to crash every single day at this time. I guess all I can do is what I can do, I have to wait too till I can see if anything can be done med wise.

@creative_writer tempted to go tonight ahaha there's a 24/7 Kmart not far from me 😝

It totally is, I think it can be such a difficult time for a lotta people, and it's compounded by social expectations and narratives too hey.

Curious, do you do those things in a pattern (like 'every Monday arvo I go for a walk') or just whenever you think of them? I'm leaning into the idea of routine being super important for ND folks, particularly us with ASD - maybe your body is in the 'routine' of feeling lower in the arvos.

@Jynx I was thinking of getting some stuff from Kmart recently, but didn’t. I ended up get dumbbells from somewhere else.

I feel like there is a lot of pressure with family. No family is perfect, I recently started writing a poem about generational trauma, I haven’t finished it, but it helped to get some words out. I feel like my mum’s mental health struggles affected me and still do. My dad is also the anxious type. Can’t say much, but I have seen my mum acting in ways where I was super concerned for her safety. She never had a suicide attempt, but I’ve had moments where I was super scared that it was going to happen.

I take walks when I’m not doing my other workout, I get some movement everyday. I also have cook days for meal prep. It’s just hard to follow a routine strictly when things are rough in the mind, I just do what I can. I am used to feeling low at this time.

Aww hun, that's so hard. I'm glad you're getting the feelings out with some poetry @creative_writer. Sounds like there's a lotta unresolved stuff in your family that's been passed down, and that can feel like such a huge burden to bear. But even just by talking about it, you're already breaking patterns 💜

Mm that's tough, to feel used to that. I think it speaks to your resilience, as well as that of the human spirit. Even when the cards are stacked against us, when we're born into a life we didn't choose, we can still find our way through. I know you've been holding on for a long time. But I have faith that you will find your path 🤞

@Jynx too much unresolved stuff. I’m having to work through little bits and blobs of unresolved stuff in therapy. Those little blobs are making it harder for me to be more open in therapy. My parents distrust the mental health system, I will admit there are so many flaws. Their attention sort of goes to the problems and they miss the good therapists in the system. It’s negativity bias. I have also had multiple bad experiences in therapy, with last psych, even an old pdoc. Sometimes when therapists aren’t careful their biases can come out. My current therapist is open to feedback, not sure if my old psych would’ve been so open. I’ve had times where I felt like I had to reassure my last psych. Though I’m not sure if I’m ever going to talk about SA in detail again, I don’t know if I could do it again. I feel like I have too many other traumas too. It feels like everything is overflowing. I’ve made lots of sacrifices growing up. My parents obviously didn’t want their stuff to affect me, but I just allowed myself to be the sacrifice, because I thought that is what you do for your family.

The thing is, the med thing is hard. Your body gets used to them over time, the crash (or meds wearing off) can start feel more pronounced. Not fun having to take lots of meds and supplements to not really be fully functional. I know the ED needs stabilisation. Stabilisation is stressful, I don’t feel like letting go of anorexia

I'm glad you found a psych who is open to feedback, I think that's so important hey @creative_writer. It's why I'm so much more aligned with Person-Centred therapy - because it centres the client as the expert in their own lives. Rewriting and rewiring those childhood narratives is hard, so I think it's vital that you are part of the process hey.

I can understand that, not wanting to let go. Have you got much support specifically for your ED, like with Butterfly Foundation or something?