Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@Jynx polyester bothers me so much, I hate the feel of it. I would say ideally the leggings should be at least 60% natural fabric (I ideally prefer higher amout). I don’t know where to get medical grade leggings with breathable material. I have some bamboo ones and recently got a merino wool one. I had a blend merino wool one from before but I think it’s more synthetic than wool and feels more like stockings than leggings. I wanted real merino wool leggings because sometimes bamboo leggings isn’t enough for Melbourne.

I can hyperfocus on the right or wrong things. Not always easy to control what I focus on. I do struggle to regulate. Nutritionist at least gave me some supplement options for ADHD before I wrapped up. I do have knowledge I can takeaway. It just wasn’t for me right now, I wouldn’t progress far. Nutritionist had some knowledge of EDs but it wasn’t her expertise. I think her stepping back genuinely shows she cares and doesn’t want to make it worse. Too many money hungry people in the world.

Now ED is the priority, need adequate nutrition, manage my stress better and stable weight. I have to work against myself 😔. I feel like many people don’t get it, they don’t get why I’m so conscious of my size. It’s a control thing at the end of the day. It’s just something that’s going to take time and effort to heal.

Totally my lizard brain. It was super vivid, dreams are hard to understand and can be symbolic. It wasn’t a nightmare, just felt unsettled when I woke up. I was at least able to go to sleep, I’ve had dreams when I couldn’t go back to sleep. It happens more so with nightmares. I used to get lots of nightmares and bad dreams, but I am fortunate not anymore. Just living nightmares (flashbacks). But I am okay now, exhausted and headachy though. Will try to get more sleep tonight. Do you have much planned for your weekend?

@creative_writer what do you reckon is the nicest fabric to wear? I have a llama-fur poncho I got from Peru that is ridiculously soft, though I've heard that about like, cashmere too.

Oh I do so love when you find someone who like, you can tell they just get it. Found a new physio recently and in the first session she was already asking about all sorts of things, including queries about my bowel movements and such.... Never had a physio go so deep before! She's been amazing.

Cleaning and clearing mostly, can't remember if I mentioned to you or not about some of my late grandma's furniture getting delivered on Monday? So yeah been making space cos I am not only getting rid of some furniture, but also rearranging my entire space 😅

Hope you have a relaxing weekend ahead?

@Jynx I love viscose and bamboo for summer. I love sateen finished bamboo stuff. My bedding is bamboo cotton blend in sateen finish. I also have this bamboo sateen shirt. I also love silk. Merino wool is good for colder weather. Fur poncho sounds amazing and would be so soft to touch.

I don’t think my ED dietician gets it as much, but her scope of study is very different. Dieticians are there for medical stuff, ED can cause physical symptoms, so I get why they take lead when it comes to diet. The nutritionist just felt more holistic, but she recognises I may need to get ED in control first before diving into gut root healing. Some protocols can potentially be triggering. Even if I did go back to her at a later stage, some adjustments will need to be made to accomodate for my history.

You did mention. I hope the furniture helps you cherish her memory. It’s rough losing a granny.

I think a sleep in would be good for me. A walk would be nice too, hopefully rain clears up enough for a walk.

@creative_writer yesss silk is so lush! My mum used to have a silk-painting hobby, it's like such an amazing material!

I am glad you're getting that holistic care as well as the medical - helps to have a range of perspectives hey!

Thanks hun, that means a lot 💜

Sounds like a perfect Sunday! Hope you get maybe even a lil patch of sunshine, or if we're lucky, a rainbow! Hehe 😊🌈

@Jynx anything silky is amazing, whether it is real silk or sateen finish, I love it.

I believe there is a lot of power in holistic approaches, it is something I am thinking or pursuing further when I am more stable. A lot of people who struggle with mental health and chronic pain have gut dysbiosis and leaky gut. I wonder if having stretchy gut makes it more likely to develop leaky gut issues.

I hope you have a smooth Sunday 💜, didn't really sleep in, but at least I didn't wake up earlier.

@creative_writer I just wish silk was a little more....sturdy 😅 because I am proprioception-challenged and frequently end up with holes in a lotta my clothes lol

But how nice would silk sheets be, oh my stars!

Yeah my physio was talking to me about this too, that the extra stretchy fascia can mean that the 's' bend in my intestines can end up hanging too low, and stuff like that. It's promising to me (even though it's a slow process) that more and more health professionals are able to recognise that the differences for ND folk extend beyond thoughts and behaviour; it's our bodies too.

How's your week been? Any highlights or glimmers?

@Jynx I use handwash setting for my machine, but the really thin silk still ends up with holes. Silk sleep masks, silk scrunchies or my bamboo cotton sateen sheets (not true silk but silky feel) are more sturdy. I try to buy more sturdy clothing to prevent holes. Some brands don't have super good quality and I end up with holes, I just try to buy better quality so I don't need to throw it out sooner rather than later.

Yeah our bodies are different. I wish there were more people who specialised in bend joints.

I've had multiple appointments this week with dietician and psych. It's been super stressful. I feel like I have to keep adding cognition supplements in, but haven't gotten the results I need to function. I will give the new one more time, but I fear I might need to add another new one. No functioning=rumination and lack of productivity. Lack of productivity and stress of doing nothing=burn out. Worse my bipolar meds aren't helping with cognitive symptoms. Not satisfied with the life I'm living, I am applying for jobs but in no way ready to work, even casually or part time. How are you?

Oh wow @creative_writer bamboo sateen is a thing? Will have to scope it out!! Yeah better quality is the way to go hey.

Sounds like a tough slog hey, especially the whole 'looking for work but not feeling ready for it.' I think you're still just in a transitional period, though it's probably frustrating to feel stuck there.

I'm alright, just trying to manage the chaos of my house at the moment. After the furniture got delivered everything is kinda...everywhere. So my mind is a little all over the shop! Work in progress though and hopefully will be able to function better once I've reduced the clutter and the 'visual noise'.

@Jynx yeah bamboo sateen is a thing, it's vegan silk, not silkworms needed. It can be more affordable to get bamboo sateen sheets than silk, though bamboo is still expensive. Everything is expensive. Breathing air costs $5.

I'm feeling fed up tonight, glass is completely empty. Fed up with the intrusive memories, sick of waiting for an easier day. The day hasn't come. I feel hopeless. What kind of life is it if it is always this hard? I'm tired of living like this. Maybe I am depressed, but I always feel so low later in the day. Need to get meds sorted.

I feel like ADHD is work in progress. I hope the process with sort your house goes smoothly.

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@creative_writer wrote:

Everything is expensive. Breathing air costs $5.

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This made me chuckle!

And then I got sad...🥲

Haha being alive in late-stage crapitalism sure is A Time hey.... 😵😅

IDK if this would be up your alley, but sometimes when I am at my flippin limit, I find a nice, rage-fuelled, primal scream into the void (or, my pillow) does help a little. If you think of all these thoughts swirling around as a form of energy, screaming is one way to release some of that energy. Running, tearing up paper, pummelling a pillow, or if you're feeling spicy, smashing something breakable on the ground - all ways to release some frustration and pent up energy. I know low/depressive mood isn't really an 'energetic' feeling but for me that sometimes means I'm in numbness/shut down territory cos the frustration and rage were too much, so my brain protects itself by disengaging from the emotion. But...all feelings need to be felt eventually.

Hope you find some release/relief soon hun 💜