Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@Jynx it wasn’t just my psych session. Yesterday I went down a rabbit hole, was afraid I was going to destabilise. I’m no longer suicidal, just exhausted. Had trauma stuff come up for me. I started replaying the moments I was invalidated after I opened up about SA. It wasn’t only one person. My mum didn’t believe me at first, I’ve tried opening up to past friends, but I felt like I’ve had moments they downplayed. Not sure if we’re still friends, they sort of faded, and I let them fade. I had no energy trying to keep one sided friendships. I rather end up alone then end up with family and feel alone. I felt like my last psych invalidated me too. I am so scared of opening up. I have been tight lipped so far. I don’t want to be judged and told I’m not reacting appropriately, I don’t want to be retraumatised, I don’t want my story questioned either. They don’t know what I experienced, I went through it.

Nah, I never really celebrated Halloween. I liked dressing up like a fairy as a kid, you know those fairy wings? I also loved those fairy wands. I feel sort of old. Back in my day we played with toys and played imaginary games. I only got access to my own laptop and phone when I was a teen. I feel the new generation of kids don’t know life before electronic devices.

Are you up to much this Halloween?

@creative_writer sounds like you're trusting your gut and taking your time with it, rather than feeling pressured to open up too quickly. Even though they weren't good experiences, you still learned from them, from my perspective anyway.

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@creative_writer wrote:
I don’t want to be judged and told I’m not reacting appropriately, I don’t want to be retraumatised, I don’t want my story questioned either.

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This in and of itself is probably a good thing to mention to your psych, if you haven't already. I hope you continue to build that trust and safety 😊

Cuuuute!! I was into fairies and dragons and all things fantasy as a chi.... who am I kidding, my whole life 😋 And lol you're telling me! 😂

I think we might be pretty close in age? I'm early 30's now and so my childhood was spent with plush toys and the imaginary worlds I built for them to play in... I think imagination is a skill and that unfortunately with all the media consumption from such a young age, it might become rarer and rarer.

@Jynx it’s true you learn from all experiences. I’m finding it hard to let people in now and walls are higher. Maybe it’ll comes with time. Might need to tell my psych about the concerns I have. I mentioned to her how my family have always been private, so discussing emotions has been hard for me. It’s also very stressful growing up with a parent with mental illness, it affects attachment style.

I would ask my parents to buy me wings and wands. I also played a lot with my dolls. I was super girly. My mum would get my dresses. My first word was mirror in my first language😂

I reckon we are not too far off in age. I am a millennial. My brother’s childhood wasn’t much different to mine I would say, he is an older gen z. There is less age difference between me and my brother, my sister is the youngling. Technology developed more so when my sister was still young. Though she wasn’t a baby when she got her first phone. Babies appear to have phones now 😂. I still love my plush toys, but I also love my phone

@creative_writer just wanted to say before I skedaddle - the idea of tiny creative_writer in lil fairy wings made me smile big!

Hope you get some good snoozles, will chat properly tomorrow if you're about! 💜

@Jynx I also loved sparkly stuff as a kid. I remember decorating my wand with sparkles. Did you never dress up like a fairy or dragon as a child?

I hope you slept okay last night 💖. I okay decent amount of sleep, but still feel tired. I seem to feel so exhausted everyday, it’s worse later in the day. Maybe I’m depressed and have poor gut health.

Maybe it’s sensory overload, maybe it’s chronic mental illness, but I feel nothing now

Numbness one of the ways our brains protects us from overwhelm methinks @creative_writer but it can, in and of itself, be distressing. Hope you're being very gentle with yourself 💜

I didn't really do much 'dress ups' as a kid, though I once went to a halloween party at a friend's house as a devil - cos my mate was an angel I think.

I guess cos I didn't want to be a dragon I wanted to befriend one? 😂

@Jynx I need to buy the adjustable ear plugs, shopping centres are super loud. Trauma can increase the intensity of sensory overload.

I feel like if you were a mythical creature, you would be mixture. Dragons are pretty cool, maybe you could be a dragon lord.

@creative_writer I don't step foot inside a shopping centre without my noise-cancelling headphones blasting psytrance/drum & bass into my ears to blot out all other sound 😅

Aww that's cool! Like a chimera!

Gotten into any good fantasy fiction lately? Whatever medium, film tv books, whatevs! 😋

@Jynx I have noise cancelling earphones and love them. Sometimes I don’t want music, sometimes I need to communicate. I’ve found these earplugs where you can adjust the noise blockage. I only have the lower blockage ones, but they still don’t seem to be enough in louder places, they work a bit, but not always enough. It’s helpful to have that adjusting feature, some places are a lot louder like food courts. They definitely weren’t enough for me when I was in the food court, I’m feeling pretty exhausted and have a bit of a migraine. I’ve had some dinner and will be at home for the rest of the day. Trying to fight this ruminatey cycle. Sensory overload can make my already existing anxiety worse. I’ve got my meds sorted but I still feel low and unmotivated. Not sure if it is purely low mood related to cptsd or whether I’m also depressed.

Fairies and unicorns resonate with me completely different creatures. What would you be?

I haven’t read or watched fantasy for a while, I am craving. I’ve been mostly watching historical fiction lately. Have you been watching or reading fantasy lately?