Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@Jynx I didn’t have a full debrief, the supervisor on shift was supportive and I took a mini break afterwards.

I wrote in the form I had cptsd, so maybe she has an idea, but I never directly told her how I used my ED to cope with trauma response. I don’t think I even need to say I get flashbacks, or what my traumas are.

I can positively say I’ve been bullied for how I look in the past. It may have affected my body image. The nature of bullying was more on other aspects of my physical appearance, but I guess it could play a role regardless. I probably first developed disordered eating as a teen. I’m not even sure if it qualified for ED back then, but then I did get satisfaction from loss of appetite when I was depressed as a teen. I did become okay for a bit, till things went downhill again.

It has been fluctuating lately. I’ve had urges to latch to substance use but had nothing to latch onto (no supplies). It’s probably part trauma and part ADHD addictive tendencies. I know I don’t need another problem, but the pain sometimes feels like a lot. I chase dopamine, sometimes in not so good places. Maybe I just have to keep trying with self care

Oh glad to hear it @creative_writer 😊

Yeah I reckon so, focus on the impacts rather than the details.

Yeah I was bullied about my weight as a kid. Regardless of the focus, that kind of experience is sooo painful.

A lot of my ability to be accepting of my body and appearance came through working on my relationship to self and self-love. I haven't had hugely drastic changes to my appearance, but I reckon the changes show in my expression, how I hold myself, the energy I put out. I can look at myself in the mirror without cringing now 😅

So yes, keep going with the self-care, self-reflection, and especially self-compassion. They can be stepping stones to self-acceptance and self-love. 💜

@Jynx I think it would be helpful for her to know a bit more, though I think more depth discussions of trauma are best left to my psychologist and psychiatrist.

I wasn’t ever bullied for my weight, sure people commented on it and assumed I ate like a bird. I would get offended. I didn’t realise until recently that even being bullied for other physical traits probably fed my ED. I have a ton of insecurities. I feel like no matter what you look like, people will comment.

I do think school students can be a bitchy. People like putting the weird kids down. The way we hold ourselves and express ourselves is different to NT. Jealousy and envy is present in our society. You don’t need anything special to be envied, people will always find something. Like my life is far from perfect. I’ve wondered if they lived in my head for a day, would they still be envious? People only see the good, but not the suffering.

Practising self love is a skill, I’m not there yet, maybe one day. I hope you were able to rest up last night 💖

@creative_writer yeah that's it hey - saw a quote recently like, 'Stop trying to be liked by everyone. You don't even like everyone'. I think our brains just don't know what to do when we evolved to worry about the opinions of like... 50 people, not millions.

How's your day been so far?

@Jynx sometimes people have complicated reasons to dislike others, the same goes for us. Though I have been thinking today, it may help to identify the physical traits that we like about ourselves. I would argue we all have them, but our focus tends to be more on what we do not like. For me it's my eyes.

I just finished up my Lifeline shift for today, didn't really get up to much else. I think it's something I need to work on, I spend too much time ruminating. How has your day been?

@creative_writer oh yes totally agree! Always good to focus on those traits we are fond of - I like my hair, and I like my legs - cos they are what I use to dance 😋

Can be hard when our minds are always going a mile a minute hey 😅 I try to catch myself if I find that I'm circling back to the same thought over n over.

My day has been slow but chill. Bit body tired today so just been pottering and doing snail-pacey things haha. You up to much tonight?

@Jynx from what I remember, you have pretty cool hair. My hair is pretty boring, I’m nursing it back to health so I don’t colour it or anything, maybe it’s been my ED all along.

Just came back from a walk, it was sprinkling a little, but didn’t mind it. It seems to be raining more now I’m back.

I’ll have dinner soon, and nothing much planned for tonight.

@creative_writer yeah it's a mohawk hehe.

Aww nice! I love wandering in the rain, it's actually so soothing. See anything cool? I love when the street and traffic lights reflect off the water on the road 😍

Yeah I think just chores on my agenda tonight. Really need to vacuum. Really wish I had a better vacuum 😅

@Jynx I think you told me about the Mohawk haircut.

Rain is soothing, as long as it’s not bucketing and stormy. I love it when it’s drizzling, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. I didn’t see much cool, I saw a cat loafing under the shade in front of a house. I think the cats were all indoors, we have a lot of cats in our area.

Good vacuums makes a difference. I need to vacuum too, just haven’t found the motivation yet.

I’m not sure if it is compensatory behaviour. I feel like I’ve become more expressive in my expressions over time. When I was a kid I would find it hard to know how to react, so I suppose I looked at other people and mimicked them. Funny thing is, now I’m probably more expressive than many NTs. Maybe part of it is cultural and maybe I’ve watched too much TV

@Jynx I know you’re gone now. I think I just got triggered. I get positive psychology helps, but you can’t forget the part that involves dealing with the uncomfortable. Positive psychology involves sitting with emotions too, but people don’t always realise this fact. The fake positivity gets to me.

I’ve tried so hard to ignore and push aside the pain, but it didn’t work. Wounds ended up getting infected. There is this inner rage that my parents weren’t there for me and I felt like I was just told to push it aside and find a way to cope by myself. I don’t know if they full understood what I experienced and how much of it they believed